Koufax Award Time

The fine folks at Wampum are now accepting votes for the Koufax Awards, honoring the best blogs from the left side of the blogosphere. If you'd like to vote for me, I have been nominated in three categories:

• Most Humorous Blog
  
• Most Humourous Post
  
• Most Deserving of Wider Recognition
  

Even if you'd like to tell me to go to hell, check out the many funny and insightful blogs that were nominated and vote for them.

For anyone coming here from Wampum and are wondering what the gay-orgy-country-dancing-sounding blog is all about (hint: not always about gay orgy country dancing), here are a few of my favorite politically themed posts:

• Even I could tell Iraq would be a quagmire, and I lick my own ass (up for Most Humorous Post)
  
• Spot the Persecution
  
• Republicans Express Longing for Clinton's Penis
  
• What Kind of Conservative Blogger Are You?
  
• Primates Reject Theory of Evolving Into Evolution-Denying Humans
  
• Classroom Bias for Dummies
  
• George W. Bush's To-Do List

As Bartles & James used to say, thank you for your support. More funny to come this week.

Supreme Court Strikes Anna Nicole Smith from the Record

Orders all copies of The Anna Nicole Show to be recalled, launched toward the sun


Anna Nicole Smith acknowledges how many different medications are currently running through her body.


WASHINGTON - The Supreme Court today ruled to remove all traces of Anna Nicole Smith from the public record.

The "actress" and model had appeared before the court seeking money from her late husband's $1.6 billion estate. Ms. Smith married the man, Howard Marshall II, when she was a 26-year old model and he the 90-year old star of the show Tales from the Crypt.

The Supreme Court immediately dismissed Ms. Smith's claim. Speaking for the Court, Chief Justice John Roberts chastised Ms. Smith "for distracting us from our important work of regulating the wombs of women."

But in a surprise turn of events, the Court went one step further. After listening to Ms. Smith's testimony, it ordered every record of her to be destroyed, including photos, TV shows, gossip columns, and online galleries.

"It is necessary, for the mental, emotional, and cultural health of this country, to pretend that you never existed," opined Judge Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who noted that Smith's celebrity posed a direct threat to the Fourth Amendment statute against cruel and unusual punishment.

The court ruled 7-1 in favor of the striking. Justice Clarence Thomas was the lone dissenter, as he took umbrage with the destruction of Ms. Smith's photographs.

The material to be confiscated include her birth certificate, Social Security card, drivers license, credit cards, Guess? photos, Playboy pictorials, straight-to-video videos, and Trim Spa ads.

For her reality show, The Anna Nicole Show, the Court requested a special destruction procedure that involves loading all copies and master tapes onto a rocket and shooting it toward the sun. "It is the only way we can be sure it is gone forever," remarked Justice Stephen Breyer. NASA plans to begin rocket construction immediately.

The Court ordered Ms. Smith to be exiled to a secure trailer outside of Guantanamo Bay. She will be allowed access to the military pharmacy, Häagen Dazs ice cream, and anonymous male callers, but she is forbidden from marrying, reproducing, or being filmed or recorded.

Upon hearing the ruling, Ms. Smith burst into tears, let loose a string of drawly illiterate bleating, and fled the scene. Police later apprehended her at a local 7-11 convenience store, where she was holding several Hostess Fruit Pies hostage.

All may not be lost for the former "star," however. According to anonymous sources closely monitoring Ms. Smith, members of the military have already approached her for interrogation work at Camp X-Ray. "You could say she has a couple of strategic assets we could use, heh heh heh," said one government official who was not Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

Pin Me, Father

You can take the boy out of Church but you can't take the Church out of the boy. Happy Lenten resolution breaking!

PIN ME, FATHER

Inside a confessional, KYLE McCALLAHAN kneels. FATHER JAMES BLACK sits behind the screen on the other side.

KYLE
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

FATHER BLACK
How long has it been since your last confession, my son?

KYLE
I can't remember. . . years. I've been away from the Church for quite some time.

FATHER BLACK
I see. Well, as the father welcomed back the prodigal son, so your heavenly father welcomes you back. What would you like to confess?

KYLE
I've been cheating on my wife.

FATHER BLACK
Adultery is a serious sin, my son. Does your wife know?

KYLE
No, but I have broken off the affair. I can't tell her—it would crush her. That's why I'm here—to seek forgiveness and to try a fresh start with my marriage. With God's help, of course.

FATHER BLACK
The Lord forgives all who truly seek it. But you must do serious penance for your sins.

KYLE
Absolutely! I'll say the "Our Father" and the "Hail Mary" until my voice is hoarse!

Father Black stands up and walks out of his side of the confessional.

FATHER BLACK
I'm afraid it won't be that easy.

Father Black reaches into the confessional and yanks Kyle out by the collar. His voice rumbles through the darkened church.

FATHER BLACK
You prostrating puke! You break one of the Ten Commandments, one of the laws Moses himself delivered from God, and you think you can just pray for forgiveness?

KYLE
B-b-but I thought—when I was a boy, they just made us say a few prayers—

FATHER BLACK
Silence! Prayers are for sissy priests who forgive sissy sins. You're in my world now, you worthless Philistine. Your little Bathsheba episode has earned you a trip to the Ring of Redemption!

Father Black raises his one free hand up to heaven. A secret door opens and he steps into a hidden chamber that holds a wrestling ring. A set of bleachers sits next to it, filled with a dozen priests and nuns, cheering with bloodlust.

Father Black grabs Kyle and hurls him under one of the ropes into the ring. Father Black rips at his shirt and pants. The tear apart, revealing black wrestling tights with a cross and the words Jesus Saves on the front and But I Kick Ass! on the back. He still wears the priest's collar around his neck. He jumps into the ring.

An altar boy steps into the ring to act as a referee. He carries and incense burner and waves it over the two men as he speaks.

ALTAR BOY
All right, I want a good clean penance. No spittin' of holy water or stanglin' with rosary beads. Redemption is decided on a three-count pin to the mat. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, go!

The sound of CHURCH BELLS announces the start of the match. Kyle tries to run away and slip under the ropes, but Father Black grabs him by the hair and pulls him back.

FATHER BLACK
First, we need to clear your mind of all impure thoughts!

Father Black pulls Kyle's head back and thrusts him, head-first, into one of the turnbuckles in the corner. Kyle stands up, wobbling from the blow.

FATHER BLACK
Jesus said if your hand is your problem, cut it off and cast it into fire.

Father Black grabs Kyle whips him into the ropes. Kyle bounces off one set of ropes and is thrown all the way across the ring, where he bounces into the ropes again and rebounds.

FATHER BLACK
So we cut the problem off at the source!

Father Black stops Kyle's progress with a big black boot to the groin. Kyle groans in agony and slumps to the mat.

Father Black struts around the ring, flexing his muscles. The crowd goes nuts. He points to one NUN in the front row. She comes forward. Father Black tags her and she enters the ring. The altar boy tries to stop her from making an illegal entry, but she scowls and he backs off.

The nun drags Kyle by his ear to one side of the ring. She wraps his hands in the top rope. The nun reaches inside her habit and pulls out a wicked metal ruler. She raises it slowly, the crowd cheering as she does so. The ruler comes down on Kyle's bound left hand with a loud SLAP. He lets out his worst cry of the night.

KYLE
Please, sister! Anything but that!

The nun repeats the blow on the other hand. Kyle yelps. She tags Father Black and exits the ring.

Father Black untangles Kyle from the ropes and moves him to the center of the ring. He lays Kyle out so that his arms and legs are outstretched as if on a cross. The priest goes to the corner and climbs on the top rope.

FATHER BLACK
Jesus was crucified for your sins, but you're not getting off that easy.

He leaps off the top rope. At the last moment, Kyle rolls over. Father Black crashes to the floor, writhing in agony. Kyle picks the priest up and flings him into the ropes. On the rebound, Kyle pops him in the face. Father Black stands holding one cheek.

KYLE
Now for the other one.

Again, Kyle hurls the priest into the ropes. On the rebound, Kyle clotheslines him right in the neck. Father Black crumples.

Kyle goes to the altar boy and grabs his incense burner. He swings it by the long chain toward Father Black, but the priest moves at the last minute. The heavy burner drags Kyle off-balance. Father Black grabs him and picks him up over his head as Kyle drops the incense.

FATHER BLACK
You should have been pinned when you had the chance, my son. Because now you're excommunicated!

With that, Father Black hurls Kyle outside of the ring. The church bells chime to signal the end of the match. The crowd cheers. Father holds his hands up in triumph. He gestures to the altar boy.

FATHER BLACK
It's almost time for 5:30 mass. Make sure you detain anyone who comes in late.

The altar boy picks up the incense burner as they exit the ring.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we giving up for Lent?

10) Hope for stable democracy in Iraq

9) Masturbating (more than 12 times a day)

8) Reviewing port deals before approving them

7) Eating candy (off of hookers)

6) Reproductive rights for women (for good)

5) Shooting old men in the face (women and children are still fair game)

4) Mandatory detention of the swarthy

3) Creating even more Brokeback Mountain parodies (if there is a God)

2) Looking at our approval ratings

1) Catholicism

"Fuck you for not being funny"

I have a new mantra.

Michael Schaub at Bookslut hurls that epithet at the always-deserving Regan Books, which is apparently going to publish some sort of parody of James Frey's non-nonfiction called. . . A Million Little Lies. The main character is James Pinocchio. 'cause Pinocchio lies. Are you ready to laugh?

(Double kudos to Schaub for a William Taft reference.)

I am not normally one for sour grapes. While I'm toiling away on a comic novel* that I hope to sell one day, I don't write this blog for profit, I write it for fun. I am grateful that people have been enjoying it and coming back to read it. This is going to sound completely out of character, but in all seriousness, it's rewarding for me to think of people out there (those I know and those I don't) coming to this little hole-in-the-wall for a good throaty chuckle. I sincerely thank you for stopping by.

But if Judith Regan was going to offer someone a wheelbarrow full of money for a Frey parody, I would have glady auditioned for the gig and, I humbly submit, kicked Pinocchio's face in.

*Yeah, I know, a blogger writing a comic novel, where have I heard that before?

Classroom Bias for Dummies

A Reference for the Left of Us!

All across America, innocent, pure, intellectually hungry college students are being warped by radical liberal professors. Selfless conservative heroes of academic freedom such as David Horowitz and Andrew Jones have attempted to alert America to this Red Cap-and-Gown Menace, but have been thwarted by the Axis of Evidence: the alliance of academia, media, and morality that demand proof when making accusations.

But now you can quiet any and every effete humanities professor and eco-terrorizing science researcher. This handy guide will help you identify if your professor is a fine fellow, or a fellow traveler.

Each of the paired statements below will compare liberal classroom bias to fair and balanced instruction.


Characteristics of your professor

Smells like Phish—Biased
Smells like old money—Not Biased

Looks like Stevie Nicks—Biased
Looks like Steve Forbes—Not Biased

Drives a Volvo—Biased
Drives a Hummer—Not Biased

Favors peasant dresses—Biased
Favors dresses made by peasants—Not Biased

Wears Birkenstocks—Biased
Owns Nike stocks—Not Biased

Teaching style

Citation format: Author, title, place of publication, publisher, year of publication—Biased
Citation format: Book, chapter, verse—Not Biased

Allows students to speak freely—Biased
Allows students to speak about freely about how freedom isn't free—Not Biased

Requires students to raise hands to ask questions—Biased
Requires students to raise hands to hail the professor—Not Biased

American History

“Deep Throat” seriously damaged Nixon’s popularity—Biased
A deep throat didn’t damage Clinton’s popularity enough—Not Biased

The U.S lost Vietnam because it supported corrupt regimes in South Vietnam and failed to win the support of the Vietnamese people—Biased
The U.S lost Vietnam because pussies like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, and listening to your goddamned Beatles albums!—Not Biased

The interning of the Japanese was one of the greatest travesties to American civil liberties—Biased
The interning of the Japanese was like a big, fun trip to camp (that just happened to be mandatory)!—Not Biased

Joseph McCarthy’s wild accusations and lack of evidence eventually led to his disgrace—Biased
It’s a disgrace that Tailgunner Joe doesn’t have his own national holiday—Not Biased

World History

There are two sides to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict—Biased
A Palestinian state will interfere with The Rapture—Not Biased

Homosexuality was commonly accepted among Greek warriors—Biased
Talking about the lengthy javelins of Greek warriors gives me wood—Not Biased

Africa and Latin America have been decimated by imperialism—Biased
Why are we wasting time on Africa and Latin America? Let’s get back to those Greek warriors and their big javelins—Not Biased

Political Science

The system of checks and balances prevents the Executive Branch from assuming too much power—Biased
The system of checks and balances keeps the President from doing God’s will—Not Biased

The Bill of Rights protects our freedoms—Biased
The Bill of Rights gets in the way of freedom—Not biased

There is a wall separating Church and State—Biased
The State should build walls for new Churches—Not Biased

Law

Habeas corpus—Biased
Torturous maximus—Not Biased

Citizens have a right to privacy—Biased
The government has a right to know what citizens are doing in private—Not Biased

Economics

Outsourcing leads to layoffs—Biased
Outsourcing leads to stock options—Not Biased

Tax cuts can produce huge deficits—Biased
Tax cuts can produce huge surpluses...in my portfolio—Not Biased

Literary studies

Literature can teach us much about the how we interact with our fellow men and women—Biased
Literature can teach us much about how college kids are boinking like heathens—Not Biased

Great novelists: Steinbeck, Faulkner, Morisson, Woolf, Ellison—Biased
Great novelists: Rand, Clancy, Gingrich, O’Reilly, and more Rand—Not Biased

Women’s Studies

Required reading: Friedan, Steinem, Woolf, Faludi, de Beauvoir—Biased
Required reading: Schaffley, Coulter, O’Beirne, Dr. Laura, Paul’s First Letter to the Corinthians —Not Biased

Studying women’s contributions to history and culture—Biased
Studying women’s contributions to housekeeping and dinner—Not Biased

Religious Studies

Studying the Bible in the context of other religious texts—Biased
Studying the Bible—Not Biased

African-American Studies

Studying African Americans—Biased
Profiling African Americans—Not Biased

Queer Theory

The study of gay, lesbian, and transgender history and culture—Biased
Another name for Darwinism—Not Biased

Science

We have observed changes throughout the fossil record that suggest evolution—Biased
We have observed everything we need to know in the Book of Genesis—Not Biased

Stem cells could be the key to destroying diseases and infirmities—Biased
Stem cells could be the key to destroying Roe v. Wade—Not Biased

Your paper supporting the President’s science policies gets a bad grade because it lacks originality and was not properly researched—Biased
Your paper supporting the President’s science policies was forwarded to the NASA human resources department—Not Biased


Remember, the great American higher education system was founded on the principle of presenting both sides of an argument. You owe it to your students to give them the truth, and not to let your personal beliefs influence your instruction.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are our alternative energy alternatives?

Special expanded pie-in-the-sky edition!

President Bush has been promoting his plans to reduce our dependence on foreign oil. What are some of his suggested energy alternatives?

13) Using teams of welfare mothers to pull SUVs.

12) Heating homes by burning books.

11) Reducing energy used for commuting by outsourcing more jobs overseas.

10) Supplementing No Child Left Behind with a new act, Every Child Must Run on Electricity-Generating Treadmills.

9) Building new water-powered generators before letting New Orleans flood again.

8) Researching ways to recycle oil company profits back into oil.

7) Combining unused Ferris wheels, electric generators, and genetically engineered giant hamsters.

6) Powering steam turbines with large-scale tire fires.

5) Maximizing power gained from solar energy by completely removing the ozone layer.

4) Cutting down every tree in America for kindling.

3) Creating a hybrid car that runs on Red Bull and vodka.

2) Tapping into the energy that conservatives expend fighting alternative energy proposals.

1) Harnessing the power of positive thinking.

Cheney Devours Puppy

Vice President says he mistook puppy for pig-in-a-blanket; accusations of prior cute animal consumption surface

Accusers say Cheney would sometimes eat pets right behind the backs of their owners, often blaming "coyotes" or "illegal Mexicans" for their disappearances. 

WASHINGTON, DC - With the White House still buzzing from Vice President Cheney’s accidental shooting of a fellow hunter, a new scandal emerged today as Mr. Cheney was accused of eating a live puppy. 

The incident happened on a "puppy farm," a facility where puppies are born and prepared to be sold. Mr. Cheney has been known to take wealthy GOP donors to these farms and offer them their "pick of the litter" as a reward for their campaign contributions. 

At approximately lunchtime yesterday, Mr. Cheney and Melvin K. Whipplethorp, a Texas oilman and Bush/Cheney campaign donor, were visiting the Perfect Pooch Puppy Farm. Mr. Cheney had offered Mr. Whipplethorp a puppy as a sign of his gratitude.

While eating lunch at the farm, the Vice President ingested the floppy-eared, doe-eyed, pokey little black-and-white puppy that Mr. Whipplethorp had picked out. 

Mr. Whipplethorp, while rumored to be "traumatized" by the event, could not be reached for comment. The Vice President’s office only released a terse statement. "The Vice President and his guest were having a lunch of pigs-in-a-blanket when the Vice President accidentally consumed a dog. He sincerely regrets the incident but is adamant that it was a mistake." 

Wes Minster, owner of the farm, backs up the Vice President’s claim. "The Vice President’s been coming here for years, and I have never seen him eat one of my dogs. He’s lost a few, sure, but he’s always paid for them right away, almost three times what they’re worth." 

Confusion also prevailed when Mr. Cheney failed to inform the media or the White House about the incident. At a press conference, when asked if the Vice President had "eaten a dog," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan joked. "Probably. He eats them all the time, especially at the ballpark. Just don’t ask him to pass the Grey Poupon." 

When reporters expressed surprise at the response and offered more details, Mr. McClellan replied, "Wait, he ate a puppy? A (expletive) puppy? Jesus (expletive) Christ, that’s it, I’m (expletive) through." He left the press conference without answering further questions. 

Culinary experts also dispute that the Vice President could mistake a pig-in-a-blanket—a hot dog or sausage wrapped in dough and usually served at Midwestern functions—for a live puppy. "For one thing, the puppy would be considerably furrier," said Dr. Carolyn Terrier, the Appleby Bennigan Chair at Cornell University's Department of Yumminetrics. "And, while I can’t prove this, I would assume the animal probably moved and/or yelped when the Vice President bit into it. That would be a dead giveaway." 

Furthermore, additional accusations of the Vice President feasting on cute live animals have begun to surface. One former servant at Camp David, speaking anonymously for fear of being accidentally shot, said the Vice President began many mornings with a breakfast of "Hamsters Benedict." Another accuser, who wished to be identified only as "Mary C.," said she had once seen the Vice President eat a litter of kittens. "He put them in a sack, and I thought he was going to drown them, which was bad enough. But then he put some onions on them and scarfed them like White Castles. It was my worst birthday ever." 

Filmmaker Michael Moore has also been investigating accusations such as these for his new documentary, Hang Gliding for Hasenpfeffer. The film opens with a montage juxtaposing the Vice President licking his lips with the rabbit scene from Fatal Attraction. "I think it really hurts our image abroad if members of the Executive Branch are snacking on adorable animals," said Mr. Moore.  

The Vice President dismissed the accusations as "rabid nonsense," just before departing for the National Zoo to see the newest baby panda up close.

Guns Don't Hurt People, Evil Vice Presidents Hurt People

With the recent hunting accident involving Vice President Cheney, many will immediately blame the 28-guage shotgun the Vice President fired into the upper body of Harry Whittington. They will talk about the need for gun safety and the needlessness of hunting. They will attempt to make that poor, defenseless shotgun into a loaded scapegoat, when the real target of blame should be evil vice presidents.

That shotgun didn’t fire itself. It was simply minding it’s own business, enjoying the fresh Texas air, when an evil vice president seized its defenseless trigger and fired its innocent bullets into the flesh of a bystander. Without an evil vice president around, Whittington wouldn’t have been shot.

The issue extends well beyond one isolated incident. Consider the Iraq War. One may argue that guns are hurting our troops in Iraq. But guns didn’t start the war. Guns didn’t fail to provide enough armor to stop bullets and shrapnel. Guns didn’t let contractors eat up the money for body and vehicle armor like pigs in a trough. Guess who did?

Guns didn’t fire a "go fuck yourself" at Senator Patrick Leahy. Guns didn’t shoot through Valerie Plame’s CIA cover. And guns don’t hurt and frighten children nearly as much as evil vice presidents.

It’s a pattern that has repeated itself throughout our recent history. Did guns do any of the following:

• Sell arms to Iran in order to illegally fund Nicaraguan contras?
• Accept bribes while in office?
• Used a dog to cover up alleged illegal campaign contributions?

Look down the barrel and you'll see the answer points to the vice presidential seal.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What did we get for Valentine's Day?

10) A “Lewinsky” from Laura

9) Surveillance video from wife's lawyer

8) A free first minute from the 1-900 number

7) Burning sensation

6) The usual 30 seconds of wiggling

5) A hell of a surprise on the all-guys fishing trip

4) Lock of ex-boyfriend’s hair to complete voodoo doll

3) Chance to say “I love you” before leather mask was zipped back up

2) Buckshot facial from a giant Dick

1) Nothing, and thanks for reminding us, asshole

The Low Self-Esteem Olympics

Three contestants stand on a stage, moping and looking pathetic: ARIEL, a Goth-looking girl with Black hair; NIXON, a nerdish teenager; and BELINDA, a slightly overweight woman. BOB COSTAS stands to the side, broadcasting the event. Near the contestants stands JANEANE GARAFOLO, mic in hand.

COSTAS
Good evening and welcome to the final round of the Low Self-Esteem Olympics here on NBC. I’m Bob Costas. It’s been an exciting competition, and we’re just three events away from finding out which one of these contestants has the self-revulsion they need to win the gold.

I’m joined by our guest sideline reporter, a person who has turned her own raging fire of inner hatred into comedy gold, Janeane Garafolo. Janeane, can you hear me?

JANEANE (sarcastic)
Yes, Bob, while I may be fat and undesirable by most men, my hearing is excellent.

COSTAS
Janeane, what’s the mood of our three finalists?

JANEANE
Bob, why don’t we get the word straight from the dead horses’ mouths.

She moves toward Belinda.

JANEANE
We have Belinda Moose, from Helena, South Dakota. Belinda, why do you think you’ve made it this far in such an incredibly competitive field?

BELINDA (whimpering)
I don’t know! Everybody else was so much better than me, and now I’m in the finals, and, oh God, I just hope I don’t screw it up!

JANEANE
Over here, looking at his shoes, is Nixon Dix from Seattle, Washington. Nixon, you beat out four-time champion Herbert "Man Tits" Heffer to get to the finals. How do you feel?

NIXON (bitter)
I am in hell every day of my miserable life! Maybe I’d feel better if turned my inner pain into cute little nuggets of comedy pablum the masses could easily digest!

JANEANE (fake laughter)
Oh, how precious, someone uses their word-a-day calendar. (Pauses) Last, and possibly least, is Ariel Vanderhoffen from Daytona, Florida. How do you motivate yourself, Ariel?

ARIEL (in a tired, wispy voice)
Please kill me.

JANEANE
Back to you, Bob.

COSTAS
Thank you, Janeane. Our first event is "Look into the Mirror." Each contestant will look into the mirror and describe the thing they dislike about themselves the most. First up, Belinda Moose.

Belinda steps up to the mirror.

BELINDA
Christ, I am such a cow! Could I be any fatter? What would Joey want with these gargantuan, fat-stuffed ass cheeks!

She bawls as she steps away.

JANEANE (low voice)
Bob, that "could I be any fatter" gambit was so unoriginal, I should have received royalties for it.

Nixon steps up next. He unzips his zipper and pulls it open.

NIXON (screaming at the sky)
You call this a penis, God? Who’s going to have sex with this, this, this toadstool? I’m going to die a virgin, right?

Nixon steps away.

JANEANE (pained and in a low voice)
Oooh, a serious mistake by Nixon there. That’s more divine accusation than pure self-loathing, and I'm sure he's going to get penalized by the Israeli judge for that.

COSTAS
Yes, that’s certainly going to cost him points. Although, being the size of a lawn gnome myself, I feel his pain. Here comes Ariel Vanderhoffen.

Ariel looks into the mirror.

ARIEL (screaming)
I hate you!!!!

JANEANE
Oh, what a brilliant move by young Ariel. It was as short and brutal as my time on Saturday Night Live.

COSTAS
Here come the scores...yes, it's unanimous, Ariel Vanderhoffen wins. She’s two away from the gold.

Belinda weeps. Nixon is defiant.

NIXON
This thing is rigged!

COSTAS
Next up, the poetry competition. Janeane, what will our judges be looking for here?

JANEANE
The judges measure originality, self-deprecation, and overall pathetic content. Nixon will go first.

NIXON
My love is like a brown, brown pile of shit
Smelly and revolting, like me
I should just give up on trying to have sex
And stick with pornography

JANEANE
Bob, a solid rebound from his mirror fiasco. The French judge in particular looks impressed. Here is Ariel.

ARIEL
Blackness all around
my funeral shroud covers me
while I still breathe.
There is no ringing
in my Bell Jar.

COSTAS (waits for a beat)
Janeane, any idea what the hell that was about?

JANEANE
No, it made about as much sense as my role in Mystery Men.

BOB
Let’s see if Belinda can make her revulsion rhyme.

BELINDA (very timid)
Joey, why won’t you look at me?
Am I not pretty?

She abandons any semblance of poetry and starts yelling.

It’s because I’m not as skinny as she is, right?
Or because when I went up to talk to you, I had that piece of ham stuck in my teeth...

She can’t continue.

COSTAS
Easily Belinda's best effort, but will it be enough...no! The gold goes to Nixon Dicks. He and Ariel are dead even entering the last event.

JANEANE
Bob, let’s get this miserable thing over with. This is more depressing than my box office receipts.

COSTAS
The last event is our group competition, "The Cry for Help."

The contestants are lined up before three phones. After a gunshot, Belinda and Nixon race to their phones and start dialing. Ariel simply stays in place, letting her black hair hang over her face. Belinda dials in first.

BELINDA
Yes, can you help me? I really like this guy but I’m morbidly obese. I work out and try to diet but it’s always the Ho Hos or the Super Value Meal or some other thing that keeps me from being thin.

NIXON (in mid conversation)
...I mean, it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean, right? Hello? Hello? (becoming angry) Hang up on me? Well I’ll show you.

Nixon throws the phone down and stomps on it. A whistle is blown.

COSTAS
That signals the end of the competition. Who will win this event and walk away without their dignity...it’s Ariel Vanderhoffen! What a fantastic finish. Janeane, any word on why Ariel won?

JANEANE
Well, while Belinda and Nixon were truly pathetic, the judges were impressed that Ariel didn’t even try to call for help. Ariel, what do you have to say?

ARIEL (brushing her hair aside and smiling)
I won? Really. Wow, I’ve never won anything. That’s so cool. OhmiGod!

COSTAS
There you have it folks. Another loser blossoming into a winner here at the Low-Self Esteem Olympics.

Super Ads Super Blow

The beauty of the Super Bowl is that even when the game sucks, you can usually rely on the ads to make the experience entertaining. This year, though, we got the double Dutch action of a crap game and even crappier advertising (with the Stones serving as the mayo between the bread of this shit sandwich Sunday).

And the ads weren't just bland or bad, they often didn't make any sense. Diet Pepsi using “brown and bubbly” as a slogan? Yes, create a beverage tagline that immediately makes you think of the Diarrhea Song. (It was appropriate that they used Jay Mohr, since his act produces intestinal cramps.)

We also saw five blade shavers (how hairy can your scrotum be?) and a Go Daddy.com commercial that was like skipping the sex in a porn movie to listen to the dialogue. The only good commercials were the 127 Anheuser-Busch spots, which would have been a great advertising move if drinking their product wasn't like letting a Clydesdale piss in your mouth.

Of course, it's easier to tear down than build up. So in the spirit of putting my money where my smart mouth is, I thought of a couple commercials I would make if I abandonned any hope of writing a novel for the instant gratification of a $2 million brand-building money shot.


COMMERCIAL 1 (Sweet Surprise)

A HUSBAND walks into his kitchen at night, home from a hard day’s work. He sets his briefcase down on the table...and notices a white box of Krispy Kreme donuts.

In the upstairs bedroom, his WIFE is putting on a sexy bit of lingerie. She calls downstairs.

WIFE
Honey, I’ve got a special treat for you tonight.

In the kitchen, the Husband removes his jacket and loosens his tie, standing above the Krispy Kreme box.

The WIFE sprays some perfume on her neck.

WIFE
It’s super sweet.

In the kitchen, the Husband flips the box open and grabs a donut, licking a bit of glaze off his fingers.

The WIFE is walking down the stars.

WIFE
And it’s warm and hot and ready to be eaten.

The HUSBAND brings the donut to his lips.

WIFE (moving through the living room)
And it will just melt in your mouth.

The HUSBAND tears into the donut, practically stuffing the whole thing in his mouth.

WIFE (almost to the kitchen)
And when you get through, you’re going to want more, more, more!

The HUSBAND is devouring the box in an orgasmic fit of eating, glaze all over his lips and chin. He looks up and sees the wife standing in the doorway. He waves weakly, a half-eaten donut in his hand.

WIFE (scowling for a beat, then breaking into a smile)
I can’t believe you started without me!

They each grab a donut and feed them to each other.

CUT TO:
A screen showing a box of Krispy Kreme donuts

VO (sexy female voice):
Krispy Kreme donuts. Soooo good.


If the Diet Pepsi gurus had done that campaign, the tagline would probably have been: Krispy Kreme donuts. Brown and lumpy.


COMMERCIAL 2 (Make Way for B&J)

A LARGE MAN sits at a dinner table. There are several plates surrounding him, with bits and pieces of pasta, sauce, meat, and bread still clinging to the surfaces. The table top also has crumbs and spilled sauce scattered on it. The top button of his pants is undone, and he breathes heavily as if he is so full, he couldn’t eat another bite.

A HAND from offscreen nudges a pint of Ben & Jerry’s into the lower right frame. The Large Man’s eyes dart to it. After a moment, his hand slowly reaches up, his fingers fumbling around the container, finally grasping the pint. With great effort he pulls it toward him with one hand while his other hand reaches for a spoon.

A PINT of the ice cream and the slogan appear on the bottom of the screen.

VO:
There’s no such thing as full when it’s Ben & Jerry’s.

See, it's really not that hard to write commercials that avoid summoning images of anal leakage....

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we doing now that football season is over?

Special extended halftime show edition!

12) Considering filling spiritual void in life with church.
11) Placing three-way parlay on upcoming biathalon, ice dancing, and curling events.
10) Calling 1-800-BETS-OFF again.
9) Locating source of that smell/finding out what happened to the cat.
8) Assuming fetal position while watching reruns of NFL games on ESPN Classic.
7) Turning attention back to Osama.
6) Attempting to have sex with wife.
5) Finding out that wife has been having sex with pool boy every Sunday for the last 22 weeks.
4) Changing "lucky" underwear.
3) Feeding, clothing, nurturing children.
2) Retiring to suspended animation chamber until August.
1) Crying all the way back to Seattle.

The Making of Big Momma's House 2

FADE IN

INT. - Martin Lawrence's house

MARTIN LAWRENCE and JOHN WHITESELL sit on a couch.

LAWRENCE
I gotta take a nasty shit.

WHITESELL
Wait, let me get my camera. And put this dress on.

FADE OUT.

Wednesdays With Brando

I was doing up The IC* with TLB last night, and we got to talking about James Frey, the theory of "the 'M' in memoir stands for 'making shit up,'" and how said theory often translates into financial windfall for the liar author in question.

This segued into a conversation about what my memoirs would be called. I use the plural because I have such volumes of angst, neuroses, self-loathing, and unused one-liners that it would take a Britannica-sized set of memoirs, autobiographies, essays, and self-serving New Yorker pieces to catalog everything. Here are some titles I came up with that capture my life and could maybe help me muscle in on some of David Sedaris’s table scraps:

Two Sprained Wrists and a Smile

Rush Limbaugh...Naked...On a Pyramid of Butter...And Other Failed Experiments in Sexual Endurance

I Am the Champion: How I Won the Super Bowl, Killed All the Aliens, and Saved the Princess After My Wife Went to Bed

Aren’t You Going to Card Me? Reflections on the Aging Process

All Binge and No Purge: My Life in the Buffet Line

The Sweatiest Guy at the Gym

What Grown Man Would Travel 900 Miles to Go to a Rush Concert and Other Confessions

Where the Streets Have No Names Because I Was Too Busy Throwing Up on Them to Read the Signs

I Didn’t Know Hair Could Grow There: More Reflections on the Aging Process

What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting

I’ll Bet Jennifer Love Hewitt Has a Smelly Cooter (Cultural Observations From My Couch Series, Vol. 1)

Don’t Laugh, It Only Encourages Him

Me n' TLB, the F. Scott to My Zelda


And if anyone from Harpo Productions is reading this, I swear every word would be true. Mostly. Most every word would be true. Many, many of the words would be true, except for the ones that aren't, but even those would be close to being true, unless the truth wasn't interesting and I make a few changes until I write how I can have sex longer than Sting....


*i.e. eating at Chili's and going to Target

Top Ten Tuesdays: Revelations in tonight's State of the Union

Special extended fake applause edition!

15) Homeland Security searching for terror leads in Book of Revelations.

14) It is vital to the success of our operations in Iraq that the elite of America devote their time and energy toward recruiting the poor into the military.

13) All wombs must now be registered with the government.

12) The Iranian government has been trying to obtain large quantities of uranium from Iran.

11) Freedom is free, but only for the first six months, at which point interest rates are applied retroactively if there is an unpaid freedom balance.

10) President is authorized by the Constitution to use literal nuclear option on Democrats.

9) If Coretta Scott King taught us anything, it’s that we need more tax cuts.

8) The President and the Vice President will be heading down to Crawford to go fishing.

7) To ensure the accuracy of NSA transcripts, all Americans should remember to speak clearly into their phones.

6) New healthcare plan will be centered around piggy banks and discounted Flintstones vitamins.

5) President will introduce legislation for new emergency approval-point loan program.

4) United States will search for alternative energy sources by invading a South American country to be named later.

3) Problem of Social Security and hunger to be solved jointly in new Soylent Green Act.

2) For the last time, the President did not have business relations with that man.

1) The Union is in quite a state.

Friday funny boning

Found both of these over at anne_jumps. We start with the ranty...

a) The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005

I really, really, really wish I had written something like this:

31. Rita Cosby

Charges: Unholy pastiche of fearmongering and celebrity ringworm with the brain of a moth, the integrity of a tapeworm, and the appearance and larynx of a sugar-addicted, glass-eating drag queen.

Exhibit A: Her banter with Joe Scarborough kills children.

Sentence: Kicked in the nuts.

There is so much pure, concentrated rant to fill up on, one more wafer thin mint of snark would cause me to explode.


Then we move to the surreal...

b) The Perry Bible Fellowship Comics

Don't let the name or the seemingly innocuous main image fool you. There is some hilarious, twisted tomfoolery afoot here, such as:



Enjoy!


Update: The Poor Man pointed me to an absolutely priceless parody:

Iraqi Invasion: A Text Misadventure

Iraq done as the game Zork.

George W. Bush's to-do list

X Clear some brush

X Get caught up on back issues of President’s Daily Briefs (reading, yuck!)

X Teach Barney how to pee on McCain’s shoes

X Bring democracy to Iraq (ask around for ideas)

X Send Lieberman thank you note and bottle of Lenny Kravitz (that wine the Jews like)

X Find out if Pat Robertson’s God voice sounds like my God voice (if yes, kill Hugo Chavez)

X Give Mayor Nagin some speech advice

X Read NSA transcripts on Chuck Schumer

X Send Hillary some gag pre-stained blue dresses (make sure there’s no return address this time)

X Do the "pop the paper bag behind the back" joke with Dick again (remember to dial 411 if he stops breathing)

X Have memory chips wiped in the McClellan 3000

X Thank Harriet for playing along with the nomination "ruse"

X Look up meaning of "ruse" (check dictionary under leg of Oval Office desk)

X Get polish, rag, and shine box for Alito (I want to see my face in those loafers)

X Ask Magic 8-ball what to do about Iran, North Korea

X Talk to Jenna about perils of excessive drinking (keep straight face)

X Give L a bit of the ol’ Executive Branch (heh heh heh)

X Thank Turd Blossom for the "Executive Branch" line

X Find a special lady for Turd Blossom (Condi?)

X Find tape of me and Abramoff doing up Georgetown (check Jenna’s room)

X Call off invasion of Canada

Take Bin Laden seriously (time permitting)

Vote to put me on the path to blogging immortality

Update: Sorry, my mistake, there's no Wampum just yet. I thought that you could e-mail your vote for the Kofaux awards, but they are just rolling out the blogs for consideration for "Blog Most Deserving of Wider Recognition," including yours truly.

Sorry if anyone tried to vote for me and had their chads dangling in the breeze.

White House Puts Friendly Face on Domestic Surveillance

Fights laws, checks and balances, and ethics with marketing

WASHINGTON - Facing growing controversy from numerous quarters about his domestic surveillance program, President Bush and his administration have launched a series of initiatives designed to make the surveillance seem less unconstitutional and more criminally cute.

Working in conjunction with toy manufacturer Fisher Price, the White House unveiled Fisher Price’s My First Wiretap, targeted at ages 4-6. The package comes with a plastic phone, earpiece bug and silly putty adhesive, twenty feet of string, and a can for listening to conversations. Expansion kits for opening mail and e-mail are in development and slated for Christmas 2006.

Taking a cue from McGruff the Crime Dog, the administration has also ordered 13 episodes of the cartoon, Buggy the Curiosity Fly. A comical insect with special night vision eyesight, Buggy spends each episode flying from wall to wall and using the information he gleans to fight terrorism. The premiere episode shows Buggy uncovering a conversation between two terrorists during an ACLU meeting, and each episode ends with Buggy uttering the catchphrase, “Help Buggy get all the buzz on terror!”

For adolescents, the White House felt something more edgy would be necessary, so the President and his advisors held a secret series of meetings with clothing company Abercrombie & Fitch. The controversial clothier came up with a series of apparel almost daring the government to spy on them. “I’ve got nothing to hide,” “Hope you liked my e-mail, G-Man,” and “Hey Uncle Sam, let’s make the phone sex a threeway,” are just some of the slogans that have been created.

“Combining detached irony with a kind of slacker conformity is really how one can control the millennial generation,” said Abercrombie head designer, Rufus Faust. “It’s like we’re saying everyone expects you to rebel against this unconstitutional intrusion into your private life, which is precisely why you shouldn’t rebel against it.” The first shipment of clothing has already sold out, with celebrities such as Paris Hilton sporting the t-shirts.

Cartoons and reverse rebellion were deemed inappropriate for adults, however, and the administration already had one television avenue for promoting aggressive intelligence gathering without respect for laws or logic, Fox’s 24. Instead, the President decided to appeal to the pocketbooks of his constituents.

The new “Friends and Family Surveillance Plan" allows U.S. citizens to enjoy free long distance when they talk to family members and acquaintances within their group, dubbed a “cell.” In exchange, the plan members give the National Security Agency unlimited access to those conversations.

Critics of the administration have blasted these efforts. “Calling this pandering would be an insult to panderers,” said Myron I. Relevant, of the left-wing think tank People Against Private Surveillance, Monitoring, Eavesdropping, Auditing, and Reconnaissance. “Even Miramax during the Oscar voting wouldn’t stoop this low.”

But many citizens seem to see nothing wrong with the efforts. “At first, I was kind of uncomfortable with Friends and Family, because I just didn't think it was right for the government to listen in on my conversations,” said Henry S. Pigeon, an accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania. “But then I got my long-distance bill, and I saved enough to buy my youngest one of those My First Wiretap kits. And besides, like my teenager always says, ‘I’ve got nothing to hide.’”

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why is God angry with us?

Recently, Mayor Ray Nagin and Reverend Pat Robertson have suggested that God has been angry with various individuals and locations, including America. Why is God so mad?

10) Took communion 57 minutes after eating, instead of waiting the full 60.
9) Displeased with Republican attempt to offer the sick, poor, and elderly as a sacrifice.
8) Had his phone tapped by the White House.
7) Cross about having “love your neighbor as you love yourself” changed to “launch a pre-emptive strike on your neighbor before you suspect he might launch one at you.”
6) Didn’t tithe 10% of the money we got from Abramoff.
5) Insulted about having his Son transformed into a Savior that licks himself.
4) Couldn’t believe Brad left Jen for Angelina.
3) Didn’t receive his pre-ordered XBox 360 because of shortages.
2) Bush keeps bragging about how they're tight and they talk all the time when God's like whatever, talk to the burning bush, Shrub.
1) Snoozbar 7, Sunday Services 0.

Where's the funny?

Sorry for the lack of posting this past week. The Man has us trapped in a small, gray cell, held in place by kryptonite, aka work. Check back on Tuesday for a new Top 10, after which the standard stream of Bush jokes and profanity should resume.

Ah-nuld vs. Der Governor

After spending a little more than two years giving the Golden State a golden shower, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s political career looks like the tail end of his Hollywood one—an expensive flop that can’t go straight to video fast enough. But how does Arnold the Actor stack up against Arnold the Governor? We go to the tape to decide.

Spanish-Based Catchphrase
ACTOR
Hasta la vista, baby!

GOVERNOR
El deficit es muy grande! Que lastima!

WINNER: ACTOR. It’s the catchphrase that launched 1000 hacks.


Greasiest Body Part
ACTOR
Lats

GOVERNOR
Palms

WINNER: GOVERNOR. At least with greasy palms, there’s the potential to get something in return.


Ab Status
ACTOR
Six pack

GOVERNOR
Baker’s dozen

WINNER: PUSH. Six pack looks better, but doesn’t have the unintentional comedy of Will Farrell’s gut slapped on Arnold’s body.


Methods of Execution
ACTOR
Guns, swords, Tom Arnold jokes

GOVERNOR
Leaving the phone off the hook when the courthouse calls

WINNER: ACTOR. At the very least, Governor Schwarzenegger could be there to throw the switch and make a pithy comment. “Remember when I promised to grant you clemency, Tookie? I lied.”


Aliens
ACTOR
Hunted by them

GOVERNOR
Haunted by them

WINNER: ACTOR. Back then, he only had to worry about one alien disappearing into the landscape.


Abortion Stance
ACTOR
Men should carry their fetuses to term

GOVERNOR
Still in development

WINNER: GOVERNOR. Staying out of the crosshairs of the Mother of All Issues is impressive. Junior should have been left on the doorstep.


Union Stance
ACTOR
Let me in!

GOVERNOR
Fuck you, assholes

WINNER: ACTOR. The union-regulated coffee breaks gave him plenty of time to juice up those muscles.


Most Ostentatious Display of Wealth
ACTOR
Jet he received as payment for Terminator 2

GOVERNOR
Maria Shriver

WINNER: GOVERNOR. You can’t put a price on nailing a Kennedy (unless you’re blackmailing one).


Worst Performance
ACTOR
Collateral Damage

GOVERNOR
California coffers

WINNER: GOVERNOR. Empty coffers don’t cause collateral damage to the frontal lobe.


Biggest Mistake
ACTOR
Planet Hollywood

GOVERNOR
Taking the job

WINNER: GOVERNOR. No one wins eating a $14 burger while sitting next to Ernest Borgnine's sweat-stained t-shirt.


Female Nemesis
ACTOR
Brigitte Nielson

GOVERNOR
Dianne Feinstein

WINNER: ACTOR. Feinstein may be a little red, but she’s no Sonja.


Status of Jim Belushi Relationship
ACTOR
Co-star

GOVERNOR
Subject

WINNER: PUSH. The Governor would win if he extradicted the According to Jim star to Telemundo.


Identity Crisis
ACTOR
“Am I Quaid, or am I Hauser?”

GOVERNOR
Am I a maverick Republican, or am I a GOP tool?

WINNER: ACTOR. As either Quaid or Hauser, he got to sleep with Sharon Stone.


Future Prognosis
ACTOR
The T800 needs wrinkle cream

GOVERNOR
Conan the Destroyed

WINNER: ACTOR. Although by the time Terminator 4 comes out, he may also need a little Viagra to complete the Rise of the Machines.


FINAL WINNER: ACTOR
There's no contest here, we'd rather watch the Ah-nuld on the silver screen than on C-SPAN. Which proves a key point: if you’ve already worked with chimps, congratulations, you’re ready to be governor of California—or at the very least, mayor of Carmel. If you’ve worked with Jesse Ventura, you’re better off making The Running Man 2 than running for office.

A CJSD Original Rip-Off Production.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What else are we exaggerating for dramatic effect?

10) Number of #3 guys in Al Queda.
9) Power to stop the nomination of Judge Dreadful.
8) Invincibility of the Chicago Bears defense.
7) Right of the Executive Branch to do whatever it wants as long as the word “war” is mentioned someplace.
6) Size of our WMD program.
5) Size of WMD in our pants.
4) Level of intelligence in intelligent design.
3) How easy it is for a crack Counter Terrorist Unit to get infiltrated season after season.
2) Desire to bite the special interest hand that feeds us.
1) The truth in our “true life” stories.*

*Hat tip to the always truthful SER at BAF.

Nothing says I'm a virgin...

like this T-shirt:


Adorable Girlfriend over at Republic of Dogs already ranted about this (after spotting one being worn in the wild). What I find funny is that wearing a T-shirt like this almost guarantees you won't get a chance to "take a look" with any woman. The back may as well say, "P.S., Want to come back to my Mom's basement and watch me beat off into a sock?"

It also reminded me of the T-shirt I was wearing when I met my wife: a black Cure concert shirt from the Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me tour. The front had a giant fluorescent image of Robert Smith, sporting full medusa hair.

Some of you may say, But Brando, that kind of shirt is not heterosexual enough for me. Well, let me finish with the moral of the story: soon after being spotted in that shirt, I no longer needed the sock.

We'll make sweet love...right after I save my game

This song by the comedy trio Tripod, "Make You Happy Tonight," hits a little close to home for me. If you play video games or, God help you, are involved in a relationship with a gamer, I think you'll get a good throaty chuckle.

Thanks to Webdanzer at the DSP Forums and Virtual Cantina for the link.

Are You a Supreme Shoe-in or a Conservative Castaway?

Find out with this Republican Nominee Confirmation Quiz!

You’ve been nominated to fill a vacancy in the greatest court in the world. But now comes the real trial: facing those mean liberal Senators and all their pesky questions that make your spouse and Baby Jesus cry. Will your confirmation seem more pro forma or pro boner? Take the quiz and tally your score.

1. How would you describe your feelings about affirmative action?
a) Minorities should have the same rights as everyone.
b) Minorities should have the same rights as other minorities.
c) Minorities should cream and buff your golf shoes with a fine chamois, chop chop!

2. Should gay marriage be legal?
a) That question is best left up to the states.
b) That question is best left up to the straights.
c) Gay couples give me the shakes.

3. How would you rule if the constitutionality of abortion came before the court?
a) I believe the principle of stare decisis indicates it should remain legal.
b) I am going to answer the question by saying "stare decisis" over and over again until you pass out.
c) I would rule against it based on the stare decisis of the Book of Judges.

4. When should the government be allowed to exercise eminent domain?
a) When such seizures benefit the entire community.
b) When such seizures don't affect my community.
c) When such seizures involve a woman’s womb.

5. What powers should the President have in conducting the War on Terror?
a) Only those explicitly laid out in the Constitution.
b) Only those explicitly implied, hinted at, inferred, or written in invisible ink on the Constitution.
c) Only the power to ignore the Constitution.

6. What are your feelings on the separation of Church and State?
a) People should be free to practice their religion, but not impose their religion on others.
b) People should be free to wish others a "Merry Christmas" without encountering the secular Spanish Inquisition.
c) The State should revive the Spanish Inquisition and give it a healthy tax break.

7. What types of speech should NOT be protected under the First Amendment?
a) Speech that directly endangers the lives of others.
b) Speech that directly causes me to blush.
c) Speech that directly endangers the political life of my Lord and Savior, George W. Bush.

8. How do you view laws that place qualifications on the Second Amendment right to bear arms?
a) As long as overall gun ownership is not banned, I will rule that restrictions such as waiting periods or local bans on specific firearms are legal.
b) I will only support such restrictions when they pry my gavel out of my cold, dead hand.
c) I’ll view them through the scope of a high powered rifle.

9. What are your views on capital punishment?
a) It should be abolished as it is not only cruel, but proven to be an ineffective deterrent.
b) It is an unfortunate but necessary means to punish those who can’t afford good lawyers.
c) Nothing makes my gavel rise like the thought of a good stoning.

10. Should we curtail civil liberties to combat terrorism?
a) Absolutely not—we’re fighting terror to protect our civil liberties.
b) Absolutely not for people of my race, economic strata, and political affiliation.
c) Your asking of this question tells me you should be detained for questioning.

Scoring and rankings
a=1
b=2
c=3

10-12
Golden Gavel—judicious, moderate, considerate... how did you even get nominated? Unfortunately, while Democrats will fall over themselves to confirm you, Republicans will likely piss all over your back and make sure the only bench you're waiting for is at the Greyhound station.

13-26
Jurist Prudish—even though you’ve got a bug up your bench and your judicial briefs in a wad, you seem more nance than Nazi. Congratulations on keeping your real opinions under wraps until after you’re confirmed.

27-30
Radioactivist Judge—adjourn to the nearest fallout shelter, because the nuclear option is about to hit. Your bench has too much (John) Birch and your rulings reveal too much Revelations. But cheer up! If you’re willing to to relocate, there's an opening in a legal system you'd be perfect for.

A Million Little Reese's Pieces

The shocking, new, totally true memoir from E.T., the Extra Terrestrial.

"Much more honest than any other best-selling memoir you’ll read this year!" Kirkus

"I believed every word of it!" Judith Miller, The New York Times

"I laughed and I cried, so it must be real." Oprah Winfrey

"Now we know the real story behind the Spielbergian cover story." Oliver Stone.

$24.95
Published by Double Day of Reckoning Press

This harrowing tale of addiction, friendship, redemption, and interstellar travel begins with a groggy E.T. waking up in a military lab, not knowing where he is, where he is going, or even what he is doing on this strange planet. All he knows are three things: that he is an Alcoholic, a chocolate and peanut butter Addict, and an Alien. Through the extraordinary friendship of two children and his own inhuman ability to conquer his demons, E.T. manages to not only "phone home," but dial straight into our hearts.

Excerpt

I wake to the drone of oxygen being pumped into my bubble and feeling something warm dribbling down my chin. I lift a hand to my face. My finger won’t glow, my skin is gray, my ass feels like it had a scientific convention inside it, and my bulbous eyes are swollen shut. I open them and I look around and I’m in some kind of Hospital or Lab. I’m covered in a colorful mixture of malt liquor, peanut butter, chocolate, and formaldehyde. There’s a pair of kids standing next to me. Blonde girl. Cute. Lispy. Boy. Brown hair. Whiny. Earnest, but kind of a pussy.
Where fuck is E.T.?
You’re in a military hospital.
How E.T. get here?
A doctor and a bunch of men in scary costumes brought you here.
Ohhhh.
We have to get you out of here!
Nowwww?
Yes, before they come for you. We have to get you home!
Home. Now I remember. Phone home. Speak and Spell. Texas Instruments. Mom and Dad.
I try and stand. My legs give. It’s a short trip to the floor.
What’s the matter?
E.T. no walk.
Come on, just get to the flap.
Flaaap?
Over there.
Far. E.T. no can do.
Lispy girl reaches into her pink My Little Pony backpack. Pulls out a flask. I drink.
Mmmm, Beam.
The whiskey burn takes the express to my stomach. Gray skin turns brown. My stomach glows. More Beam, more glow. I’ve got a bellybutton lantern going. My finger lights up like an inmate’s last cigarette.
I make it to the tent flap. Whiny kid gets his bike, lifts me into the basket. He hoists and I hurl over the side, just a little bile.
Bye-bye, E.T., Lispy Girl says. She takes a swig of the flask.
Bye-bye. E.T. come back when you 18.
Whiny kid peddles like a champ, like he’s Lance Armstrong. I’d tell him that, but the kid won’t know who I’m talking about for another twenty years.
There’s jeeps and soldiers and guns behind us. The booze is kicking in now, and I get us up over the trees and leave the assholes behind. Kid looks like he’s going to shit himself.
Don’t worry, kiiiid, E.T. not fall.
We touch down in the woods. Pine needles cover the ground like nature’s opium den.
Are they coming for you?
E.T. hope so.
You don’t know?
No.
What if no one is here for you?
Shut fuck up and chilllll. They will come.
Lights. Bright. Sky. Down. Here. Ship. Opens. Mom. Dad.
Mom cries. What happened?
Long story, need 115 minutes to telllll.
She leans over and tries to give me a hug. I push her away.
Need get out of here, Mom. Men commming.
Dad pulls me. I turn to Whiny Kid. He’s not so bad, even if he’s blubbering like a girl. I give him a Glow Finger.
Be gooood.
Blast off. On the ship. I lie. Down. Dad talks.
You okay?
No, not okay.
Do you need anything?
Peeeeanut butter. And chocolate. In candy-coated shelllll.

Customers who bought this book also enjoyed these other 100% true memoirs:

A Million Little Pieces of Ass from Morgan Fairchild, Whom I’ve Slept With, by Tommy Flanagan
My Friend Leonard, Part 6, by Bill Cosby
Tuesdays With Royalties, by Mitch Albom
The Hitler Diaries, by Konrad Kujau
There’s a Sucker Born Every Minute, by P.T. Barnum

Top Ten Tuesdays: What else are we doing with the stars?

Special expanded mid-season replacement edition!

15) Poledancing With the Stars (Fridays at Midnight on HBO!)
14) Procuring Transgender Escorts With the Stars
13) Going Straight to Video With the Stars
12) Fulfilling Community Service With the Stars
11) Losing Our Minds on Oprah’s Couch With the Stars
10) Holding Our Hair While Purging With the Stars
9) Filling the Emotional Voids in Our Lives Through Ostentatious Displays of Wealth With the Stars
8) Nancing About With the Stars (new on Bravo!)
7) Skating Around Infidelity Rumors With the Stars
6) Screaming Our Heads Off While Getting Waxed With the Stars
5) Whizzinating With the Stars (only on ESPN!)
4) Coming Up With a Cover Story for Our Sudden Weight Loss and Sallow Complexion With the Stars
3) Running California Into the Ground With the Stars
2) Reminding Service Staff Who We Are With the Stars
1) Begging for a Camera to Follow Us Around in a Last-Ditch Effort to Regain Even a Shred of Our Former Popularity With the Stars

Bush Warns Iraqis: "Don’t Make Me Pull This Reconstruction Over"

WASHINGTON - In the harshest tone yet used by the President, George W. Bush today sent a stern message to the Iraqi people.

"I’ve had just about enough," said the President at a hastily assembled press conference. "Now you either knock it off, or I swear to my God, I’ll pull this reconstruction over and come back there.

"And believe me, if I do, you’ll learn the real meaning of insurgency."

First Lady Laura Bush, standing beside the President, whispered something inaudible into his ear. "No, Laura, we’ve already given them numerous time outs, and all they did was use them to build Improvised Explosive Devices."

The President began the journey with Iraq toward reconstruction in 2003. After some initial quiet, the Iraqis grew fidgety, then restless, then openly rebellious. Consulting with some prominent behavioral experts, the President tolerated this at first, believing that the backtalk, looting, and gathering of weapons would cease if he just ignored it.

Instead, the misbehaving escalated. Once the Shiites and Sunnis began hitting each other, the President lashed out, spanking both with machine gun belts.

Shiites and Sunnis protested the punishment, claiming the other had started it. Sunnis accused Shiites of hogging all the democracy, while Shiites said Sunnis kept hitting them with shrapnel.

"I don’t care who started it, I’m going to finish it," President Bush growled. "I have to listen to this crap every day. I get calls at work, bad reports, security forces showing up at my door at all hours of the night. I’m sick of it, and it’s going to stop! One more peep, and I’m taking away your allowance."

Reached for comment, Shiites scoffed at the President’s threat under their breath. "He can’t take away our allowance, he needs us to take out the trash. Otherwise he’d have to get off his stupid duff and do it himself.

"But don’t tell him we said that," the Shiites added.

Sunnis were even more defiant. "The old man isn’t gonna do shit," they replied. "What’s he gonna do, put Saddam back in charge? Ooh, we’re so scared." The Sunnis then high-fived each other.

While many place blame for the problem with the sassy Sunnis and Shiites, others believe the real blame lies with the Administration and their handling of the situation. Dr. Joseph "Skip" Riggins at the Institute for American Expansion believes that the Bush Administration enabled the Iraqi factions to become out of control.

"It’s a clear case of mollycoddling," said Dr. Riggins. "The Administration mollycoddled them during the invasion. They mollycoddled them during the building of the security forces. They mollycoddled them during the formation of a provisional government. Do you know what that makes them?"

"Mollycoddlers?" answered his colleague, Dr. Larry Hockett.

"Mollycoddlers," repeated Dr. Riggins.

Perhaps in response to such critics, President Bush reaffirmed his commitment to whipping the Iraqis into shape. "I don’t care if it takes all night. I don’t care if it takes all year. They will behave. And so help me, if they don’t, I’ll make them both join the Iraqi security forces. That’ll fix the problem."

Top Ten Tuesdays: What New Year's resolutions have we already broken?

10) Quit eating fudge-covered Oreos on the treadmill.
9) Don't sing like a canary about DeLay even when threatened with prison Santorum.
8) Keep the cats sober.
7) Pay for reconstruction through oil revenues.
6) Put our Ohio State education to good use.
5) Suppress thoughts of hot pants and chaps while conducting mass.
4) Try harder to differentiate between the good brown people and the bad ones when dropping ordnance.
3) Stop drunk-dialing Cheney from the Oval Office.
2) Work while at work.
1) Be funny.

What I've Learned: Harriet Miers

(Aborted Surpreme Court Nominee, 50-something, a bar in Texas)

If Iran, Iraq, and North Korea are the Axis of Evil, then Dick Cheney and Karl Rove are the Double-Sided Dildo of Democracy.

Rove has his hand so far up the President’s ass, even Kermit would have told Jim Henson to ease the fuck up. You don’t see Rick Santorum drafting a constitutional amendment against that.

I used to think Bush was “cool.” Now I think he’s cool like the sun. It’s like I got asked to the prom and had goat’s blood dumped all over me. If I’d had a match handy I’d have burned the whole fucking place down.

I once stuck Laura Bush with a shiv. She didn’t bleed. She just spun her head around 180 degrees and her vocal circuits told me to have a nice day. The lesson: even when they are implausible, trust your instincts.

If I had a gavel dangling between my legs, I wouldn’t be sitting on this stool talking to you, I’d be banging it in court.

Everybody said I wasn’t qualified for the Supreme Court, because I worked for the Texas Lottery. “You just have to pull out the balls with the numbers on them blah blah blah.” Yeah, well Don Rumsfeld has a goddamned job, and all he does is play with his balls, too.

People give Jenna a hard rap because she’s a drunken slut, but really, she’s more of a drunk than a slut. She stands up for what she believes in, even when she can’t stand up.

Barbara, on the other hand...let’s just say it’s always the quiet ones.

So after all the shit happened and the President dumped me like a bag of blow down the Camp David toilet, I got a call from Playboy. Look, I said to them, I don’t care how much fucking money you are going to give me, I have my dignity, and I would never pose for you for less than a million bucks. Turns out it was just a call for a subscription. Too bad, I could have used the dough.

Roe v. Wade? It’s like poker, you gotta play to see my cards. But if it had been Rove’s Mom v. Wade, you’re goddamned right I’m voting for the abortion.

No one tells a Texas Lottery Commissioner when she’s had too much to drink. So hit me again, and put some liquor in it this time.

A CJSD original rip-off production.

Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we pass the time with our families over the holidays?

10) Gathered round the craps table at the boats.
9) Helped grandpa figure out where grandma hid his flask.
8) Let sports do the talking for us.
7) Reminded Uncle Chester that he couldn't play Santa Claus because having young children in his lap would violate his parole.
6) Had a "white Christmas" thanks to cousin Jeffrey, the dealer.
5) Explained to the kids that Santa couldn’t get them an XBox 360 because Bill Gates is a cocksucker.
4) Made venison out of the reindeer that ran over grandma.
3) Warned brother that if he didn't stop watching A Christmas Story for the seventh straight time, we were going to shoot his eye out.
2) Listened to mother say how she gave us the gift of life and that the least we could do to show our gratitude was make her another goddamned Manhattan.
1) Endured another "I told you so" from Dad about Iraq.

Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we end up on this year's naughty list?

Special 12 days of Christmas edition!

12) Got caught giving "milk and cookies" to a desperate Mrs. Claus.
11) Gave the thumbs up to a reality show starring Bobby Brown.
10) Made Baby Jesus cry by wishing people "Happy Holidays."
9) Supported terrorism.
8) Supported torture.
7) Copied music illegally. Copying music is very, very, very wrong, like stealing filet mignon right out of Bono’s mouth. (This number has been brought to you by the RIAA.)
6) Used the body of Katie Holmes as a Thetan spawning ground.
5) Touched more young boys than a Catholic priest during confirmation.
4) Tried to make our own naughty list without a warrant.
3) Ran the Star Wars franchise into the ground, lit it on fire, and pissed on the ashes.
2) Did a heck of a job on New Orleans.
1) Started a blog that clearly hates freedom.

Brokeback Cubicle

Open on the halls of an office, row after row of identical cubicles. Focus on a framed inspirational poster that shows two men standing right behind one another, pulling a rope, with the caption “Teamwork.”

Inside an office, CEO JOSEPH P. DIDDLER (Kevin Spacey) looks at two interviewees, LANCE DEL GORDO (Keanu Reeves) and JACK SPLIT (Orlando Bloom).

DIDDLER
I can’t make up my mind between you two fine candidates, so...you’re both hired. I expect you here Monday at 8 a.m. pronto.

Outside the office building, Lance and Jack hi-five each other, holding their hands together for a couple of extra moments.

JACK
Well, since we’re going to be working together, I suggest we start PowerPointing together.

Lance and Jack are in a cubicle, sitting side by side in front of a computer. Lance looks frustrated at his presentation, but Jack guides his mouse, cutting and pasting bullet points.

NARRATOR
It was a friendship...

Lance picks up a stack of papers from his printer, but cuts his finger on the paper. He winces in pain as Jack looks at the cut. Their eyes meet, and Jack moves Lance’s cut finger to his lips.

Jackets are removed, ties are loosened, and tasseled loafers are slipped off. The door to the copy room closes.

NARRATOR
That became a secret.

Lance and Jack are back at Jack's computer.

JACK
Our business is nobody’s business, not even HR’s.

NARRATOR
There are acquisitions we can’t undo.

Lance and Jack are at the company picnic with their wives and kids. They hold each other as they sprint across the finish line in a three-legged race.

NARRATOR
There are minutes of the meeting we have to revise.

Lance is with his wife in their breakfast nook.

MARGO SNOOPS-DEL GORDO
You and Jack are sure going at it hard.

LANCE
He’s just helping me straighten out my big PowerPoint presentation.

NARRATOR
There are mergers we can’t deny.

Lance and Jack are in the office late, as Jack puts his hand over Lance’s and guides his mouse.

JACK
You know, it could be like this always. Especially if I get an office with a door.

Focus tight on Lance and Jack in the copy room.

LANCE (whispering)
This thing, if it grabs a hold of us in the wrong place, we could lose our health insurance.

Pull away to see Jack sitting on the copier, with his pants around his ankles. Lance presses the copy button.

Back in Lance’s breakfast nook, Margo confronts Lance.

MARGO
You don’t go into the office to write bullets!

LANCE
You don’t understand nothing about it, PowerPoint is very confusing!

Lance and Jack stand in CEO Diddler’s office. Diddler looks coyly over the top of his glasses while holding a piece of paper.

DIDDLER
I say, you boys sure found an interesting way to make copies.

In Jack’s office, Jack is packing up a box of his things. Lance stands in his cubicle entrance.

JACK (tearful)
I may be quitting this job, but I wish I knew how to quit you.

NARRATOR
From the director of Priscella, Queen of the Desert, and producer Tom Cruise, comes the story of two men...

Jack clutches a dry cleaning bag with Lance’s suit in it, crying.

NARRATOR
Brought together by clip art.

Lance stands in meeting room in front of a PowerPoint slide with clip art of fireworks.

ON SCREEN
BROKEBACK CUBICLE

In office parks everywhere

Official "I hate freedom" nomination

The fine folks at Wampum are taking nominations for the Koufax Awards, going to the best lefty bloggers on the Internet(s). They have categories for best humor blog, most humorous post, and blog deserving of wider recognition, plus a bunch of other categories that don't concern my rise to fame and blogging fortune.

Since I am a shameless self-promoter, I have already nominated myself, but you can second or third or whatever comes next by going here and saying how much you love blog posts that swear pointlessly and constantly rip off The Onion.

I nominated this as my favorite humor post of the year.

In the words of Bartles & James, thank you for your support.