Thursday, April 05, 2007

Pack for the Afterlife

Inside a meeting hall, past a sign that reads, "Hall of the Dead," hundreds of Egyptian royals mingle at a party. In one corner, RAMSES talks with NEFERTITI.

RAMSES (drunk)
So I says to him, I says, "Oh yeah, well why don't you try making bricks without straw."

NEFERTITI (bored)
Mmm, really? And what did he have to say to that, Ramses?

RAMSES
Oh, the same old stuff about the one true god this and the one true god that. Then the damn plagues showed up. You know, Nefertiti, if it hadn't been for those damn plagues, I would have been the greatest pharaoh ever. Ever!

NEFERTITI
Sure you would have, Ramses. Sure you would have.

ZOSER, the host, begins to speak.

ZOSER
Excuse me. Can I have your attention? Thank you. For those of you who are new, I am your host, Zoser, and this is the 4,807th annual Afterlife Harvest Festival. Welcome! We have finished bringing in the spirit grain of the Ealu fields, which we will offer to our lord and master, Osiris, ruler of the Underworld. To Osiris!

The Egyptians raise their glasses and toast Osiris.

ZOSER
Now, have a good time, and remember, my serving wenches are your serving wenches!

There is a loud KNOCK on the hall door. Nefertiti opens the door. TUT staggers in, wearing only a loincloth and carrying a pitcher. The Egyptians run to his side.

RAMSES
Great winds of Isis, it’s Tut!

NEFERTITI
What happened?

Tut takes a drink from his pitcher and catches his breath.

TUT
I was . . . I was . . . robbed . . . .

The Egyptians gasp and murmur. Zoser shushes them.

ZOSER
By who?

TUT
By those . . . those. . . archeologists.

NEFERTITI
Not again! They robbed Cheops, too.

RAMSES
What did they take?

TUT
Everything! My gold, my jewels, the sarcophagus. They even violated the tombs of my serving wenches.

RAMSES
Bastards!

NEFERTITI
What about your curses and wards?

TUT
I had some of the best! Even as we speak, a couple of the infidels are being devoured by scarabs.

RAMSES
I tell you, they're never getting into my crypt -- not if they know what's good for them. You just can't beat a good curse.

TUT
That's what I thought, too. But what good does it do me now? Look at me! I have nothing! I’m as poor as the lowliest slave. How am I supposed to enjoy eternal paradise like this?

ZOSER
It is awful, Tut, but don't worry. We will take care of you. Look around you – we brought plenty for all of us to share in the Underworld.

TUT
Yes, I suppose you're right. Thank you, thank you all. I raise a toast to your generosity.

The Egyptians raise their glasses in a toast. Tut looks around in confusion.

TUT
Has anyone seen my goblet?

RAMSES
Oh for the love of Ra! Could someone get Tut a goblet so we can actually drink our toast!

There is another loud KNOCK at the door.

ZOSER
Now what? Nefertiti, could you please (he points to the door)?

Nefertiti opens the door. In walk BOB and MILDRED.

BOB
Hi there! How y’all doing? (He shakes Nefertiti's hand vigorously.) I’m Bob Sawyer, this here’s my wife Mildred.

MILDRED (Reaching for Nefertiti’s glass while speaking to Bob)
Look honey, they’re already serving us drinks!

NEFERTITI
Serving you! Zoser! We have intruders.

MILDRED
Intruders! No, ma’am, we’re the Sawyers. (She points at Nefertiti’s neck.) My goodness, dear, that is a lovely necklace you have there.

Nefertiti steps back, putting her hand guardedly over her neck. Zoser walks over.

ZOSER
(Aside) Oh no, not again. (To Bob and Mildred) You must be Christians.

MILDRED
No, we’re the Sawyers. (Slowly, sounding it out) SOY-YERS. (To Bob) I don’t think they speak English here.

BOB
No honey, he’s asking if we worship Jesus Christ. (To Zoser) You bet we do! We’re just a couple of God-fearing people ready to enter the Kingdom of Heaven!

ZOSER
Yes, well, it seems that there has been some mistake. . . .

BOB
Yeah, I know, we’re a little young, but hey, God’s will is God’s will.

ZOSER
No, what I meant was, you are in the wrong place.

MILDRED (shocked)
Oh no! Honey, we’re in hell! I’m sorry . . . I know I had impure thoughts about our pastor—

BOB (dropping to his knees in horror)
So did I!

ZOSER (irritated)
No, no, no! You are not supposed to stay here.

Zoser grabs them and takes them to the door. He points.

ZOSER (cont.)
Take that dirt road there through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. Make a left at Mount Olympus and cross the River Styx. Take a right at Valhalla and keep walking until you see a village full of mud huts. That’s where you’ll find Jesus. Now go! We’re having a private banquet here.

BOB
Mud huts?

MILDRED
Now wait just a minute! We gave money to the poor like we were supposed to, and we’re going to live in mud huts?

ZOSER (shrugs)
Well, when you worship the son of a carpenter . . . .

He starts to push Bob and Mildred out the door. Mildred becomes agitated and pushes her way back in.

MILDRED
And y'all are just sitting around up here with your gold and your food and your servants. What about when Jesus said, “it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God.”

The Egyptians burst out laughing.

BOB
Yeah, and what about the meek inheritting the goddamned Earth?

The Egyptians laugh even harder.

ZOSER (wiping his eyes)
Please, stop, you’re killing us. I suggest you go and take this up with Jesus in your (stifling a laugh) mud hut.

The Egyptians start laughing again. Zoser walks the Sawyers toward the door.

ZOSER (cont.)
And next time you take a trip, don’t forget to pack!

The Egyptians laugh at the Sawyers.

NEFERTITI
I mean, who forgets to bring things to the afterlife?

Bob and Mildred step back in.

BOB
But, but, this isn’t fair . . . we didn’t know. . .

UP MUSIC (slow piano ballad - everyone sings)

MILDRED
When we became Christians
we thought we made the right decision

RAMSES
But your thoughts about life after death
could use a little revision

BOB
I didn’t think I’d need to bring much
to my final resting place

RAMSES
You should have treated your coffin
like your eternal suitcase

(Music changes to bouncy midtempo)

CHORUS (Egyptians only)
So pack for the afterlife
pack it all and all is well
or your heavenly paradise
will become a living hell

ZOSER
We Egyptians, we were buried right
we took things big and small
You should have known from our crypts
the writing was on the wall

TUT
Now you found out the hard way
without your stuff you won’t go far
You could drive to hell and back
if you’d been buried in your car

CHORUS (all)
So pack for the afterlife
pack it all and all is well
or your heavenly paradise
will become a living hell

BRIDGE

NEFERTITI
So worry about what you’re bringing
and not about damnation
The more you pack the better

MILDRED
just stay away from cremation

(Back to main midtempo melody)

ZOSER
Everyone needs their things here
whether Christian, Muslim or Jew
Hindus can travel light
‘cause they’re just passing through

TUT
But all of you have been misled
worse than any pyramid scheme
If you go to the grave empty-handed
you’ll let out an eternal scream

CHORUS (all)
So pack for the afterlife
pack it all and all is well
or your heavenly paradise
will become a living hell

RAMSES (slow)
So pack for the afterlife
pack it all...and all is...well . . . .


Happy [insert your religious holiday/non-religious non-holiday/excuse for orgiastic chocolate consumption], everyone!

12 comments:

Chuckles said...

My afterlife is going to be the longest acid trip I will ever take. Zooming around in the realm of thought, knowing everything, loving every minute of my reunion with the eternal concepts and monads. Then I get reborn and forget everything.

Funny.

MSF said...

holy crap. where are the snl people? shouldn't they be recruiting about now?

almostinfamous said...

way to outdo yourself, B!

note to self: secure the serving wenches real good! goddamn archaeologists

Jennifer said...

Excellent, Brando! I'm going to have that song stuck in my head all weekend.

Churlita said...

This is better than any Mel Brooks movie. I was going to quote a few of my favorite lines, but there were too many.

Fekkin' Awesome.

BOSSY said...

Now THAT'S entertainment!

The Uncanny Canadian said...

Awesome, Brando. I can never be cremated now!

almostinfamou said...

i am actually singing this to the tune of 'every sperm is sacred'

brilliant!!

Grendel said...

You've outdone yourself this time. Really funny, B.

almostinfamous said...

and this is nit-picky, but isnt it Osiris and not Osirus?

i dont think you're gonna be invited to any post-life egyptian harvest festivals if you cant spell his name right...

Brando said...

Good catch, aif! I fixed Osiris.

Thanks to everyone for the comments, glad you enjoyed the sketch.

Lord_Boofhead said...

That is awsom. Are you going to perfom that?

and do you mind if If I swipe that and use it myself. I'll credit you.