Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Birds and the Bees Gone Wild

In the living room of a typical suburban home, a teenage boy and girl make out on the couch. The boy's hand starts to drift southward.

ABBY
Peter?

Peter pulls his hand back quickly.

PETER
I'm sorry, I got a little carried away, I didn't mean to....

ABBY
No, just get the light.

PETER
Oh...right!

He reaches up and turns it off. The living room goes dark for a few moments as we hear the sounds of amorous kissing.

The door opens and Peter's parents, PAULA and HARRY step in, flicking on the light. Peter and Abby are horizontal on the couch, with Abby's blouse unbuttoned. They sit bolt upright as the parents look on.

PETER
Mom! Dad!

PAULA
I can't believe what I'm seeing, in my own house, on my own couch.

Harry walks toward Peter, reaches out to him, and pulls him into a big hug.

HARRY
That a boy, Pete!

PAULA (tearing up)
It's so beautiful! Oh, Petey, we're so proud.

PETER
Abby, these are my parents.

HARRY (shaking hands)
I'm Harry Longwood.

PAULA (gives Abby a hug)
And I'm Paula Pounding-Longwood. So, has our little Peter been getting you aroused?

ABBY
Nice to meet...I'm sorry, what?

PAULA
Aroused. (to Peter) Don't tell me you forgot everything I taught you about the erogenous zones, Petey? And what did I tell you about the importance of nipple stimulation, young man?

HARRY
Son, did you put a little pressure on her mons pubis while gently stroking her....

PETER
Dad, Jesus! (to Abby) You'll have to forgive my parents, they're...adult entertainers.

ABBY
You're in porn?

HARRY (sighs)
Porn sounds so dirty...

PAULA (playfully slaps his chest)
Oh, don't be so sensitive. I swear, the only thing more sensitive than my husband's testicles is his pride. We were in porn...

HARRY
Exotic pictures

PAULA
...but we hung up our g-strings and lube a while ago. I write marriage self-help books now.

ABBY (relieved)
Oh, really? You know, my parents are having some problems...

PAULA (goes to the bookshelf)
Say no more! Here, give them a copy of my latest book. (She hands it to Abby.)

ABBY (reading the title)
Happy Analversary: 69 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Pumping Along. Um, thanks. And what do you do now, Mr. Longwood?

HARRY
I own my own business.

PETER (quickly)
He's in latex!

PAULA
Petey, you make it sound so industrial. Peter's father makes his own dildos.

ABBY
Dildos?

HARRY
I prefer the term "marital aids." But yes, I model and manufacture them. "If you want it good, get a Longwood."

PAULA (to Abby)
Here, dear, let me get you one. Your parents will need it for chapters 15-26.

Two people enter the front door. One is a woman dressed in a leather uniform. She carries a whip and holds a chain attached to the collar of a man wearing a leather mask with a zipper that's closed over his mouth. Abby lets out a surprised gasp.

PETER (sighing)
Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg.

Mr. Greenberg waves and says a muffled "hello." Mrs. Greenberg walks over and hugs Peter, dragging Mr. Greenberg with her.

MRS. GREENBERG
Peter, I didn't know you were home from school. My goodness, look at you.

PETER
Yes, and look at you. Abby, these are the Greenbergs, friends of my parents.

PAULA
We interrupted Petey and Abby when we came home, if you know what I mean.

MRS GREENBERG
Oooohhhh. (She elbows Peter knowingly.) Well, we'll let you get back to whatever you kids were doing. (to Peter's parents) We'll be down in the dungeon.

Mrs. Greenberg leads her husband away, and he muffles a goodbye as he departs.

ABBY
I need to use your bathroom.

PETER
Upstairs, second door on the right.

Abby departs up the stairs.

PAULA
We should leave you alone.

PETER
Mom, Dad, why is it every time I bring a girl over, you guys have to pressure me about having sex with her?

HARRY
What do you mean?

PETER
Every girlfriend I've ever had, you guys start talking about G-spots before you even know her name.

HARRY
Oh, you're exaggerating.

PETER
Am I? Remember Melinda? Mom asked her if she'd ever had a vaginal orgasm with me before she and I even kissed.

PAULA
I was just making conversation.

PETER
We were at her church picnic!

PAULA
Well excuse me for wanting my son to know how to get a woman off!

PETER
You guys put all this pressure on me to have sex, talking about stimulation this and arousal that, and it makes me crazy. God, it's no wonder I'm still a virgin.

Harry and Paula gasp.

PAULA
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

PETER
Hear what? That I AM A VIRGIN! Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!

HARRY
Peter, do not talk to your mother like that. (Pauses.) Son, I'm sorry if we pressured you. We just wanted you to be happy and experience the kind of love your mother and I have. I guess things are just different today than when we met on the set of Cockadile Dundee. We'll leave you and....

PETER (rolls eyes)
Abby.

HARRY
Right, Abby. We'll leave you and Abby alone to do whatever you want...or don't want.

PAULA
We love you, Petey, and Abby seems like a wonderful girl. I hope we didn't mess things up for you.

Paula hugs Peter before she and Harry leave to go downstairs. Abby returns as they depart.

ABBY
Was somebody shouting "I am a virgin"?

PETER
Yeah, that was me. Listen, Abby, I'm sorry about all of this. My parents, the Greenbergs, the book, the...dildos. I'm not some kind of freak, and we can take things nice and slow if you want.

ABBY (approaching him)
Peter, that's really sweet, and I appreciate how you're looking out for me. But we've been going out for a while now and...I think we can speed things up a bit.

PETER
Really?

ABBY
In fact, I was just reading Chapter 3 of your mom's book while I was upstairs. She's got some good suggestions. And what was that your father said about the mons pubis?

They start kissing, and Peter reaches over to shut off the light. There's some rustling before they hear two cracks of a whip.

MRS GREENBERG (from downstairs)
You've been a very, very naughty boy.

Peter flips the light back on.

ABBY
How about we go back to my place?

PETER
Sounds good.

13 comments:

Bill Stankus said...

That's a terrific, a fully loaded and endowed story. Subtle but not completely. Great scene for a movie - the regular kind, that is.

Jennifer said...

I haven't even read this yet because I'm so confused by a Brando post on a Thursday!

Who are you and what have you done with Brando!?!?

Brando said...

Thanks for the nice comment, Bill.

J, I'm trying to get back to writing a new comedy piece once a week for the blog. I've been very distracted lately (and focused on writing my novel), but I have a backlog of ideas I'd like to flesh out. So hopefully there will be more Thursday surprises.

Jennifer said...

Woo-hoo!

Also, very funny skit, but I think I'd rather keep it in my mind's eye rather than having it fleshed out, er... so to speak... I don't want to see Ron Jeremy as Harry Longwood!

And the only reason I give you grief is because you can actually stay away. :)

almostinfamous said...

'love'ly twist to the 'std.' tale

hope the 'climax' is 'happier'

eh?

The Uncanny Canadian said...

I'm sure I've seen this skit on SNL with Victoria Jackson and Phil Hartman as the parents. David Spade is the kid, right? I'll bet Alicia Silverstone is the girlfriend.

Anyway, I work on Longwood avenue. I can't ever go to work again without thinking of Harry's dildos...

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

out-filthbots filthbot.

Brando said...

I wish I could raise Phil Hartman from the dead so I could write something for him. He was my favorite SNL cast member and such a great part of the Simpsons.

UC, sorry about the dildo association.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

The American Dildo Association will take exception to that.

fish said...

Hilarious Brando! The "I'M A VIRGIN" had me embarrassing myself at work. Of course we can't leave this little bit unmentioned now.

Verification is achedema, indeed.

Kathleen said...

Cockadile Dundee

this is why we pay you the big bucks, Brando.

or at least, why we would, if we did.

Another Kiwi said...

"Happy Analversary" speaks of ,shall we say, experience???
Top notch,dude.

Brando said...

AK, a gentleman never speaks of bedroom matters.

Glad you liked the sketch.