Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Top Ten Tuesdays: What advice did we give graduates during our commencement addresses?

10) I look out here and see young, energetic faces ready to take the world by storm. Well, if any of you even think about trying to take my job, I'll fucking shank you.

9) Cherish this time you'll spend living at home until the economy improves.

8) Many of you leave college perhaps with more questions than answers, wondering what will happen when you walk across this stage and depart this campus. Except those of you in ROTC, your orders are taped to your diplomas.

7) For the love of God, use spell check.

6) Once you get out to the "real world," there will be times when you're confronted with things that shake the very foundations of your beliefs: The theory of evolution. The geological age of the Earth. Female orgasm. But in those dark times, remember this: you have something stronger than facts. You have an education from Bob Jones University.

5) No one will ever give a crap about your GPA.

4) College is a time to experiment, to ask questions, to shake up the authoritarian structure. As you enter the workforce, I highly recommend that you forget all of that nonsense.

3) The sad truth is, you would have more earning power and job prospects if you'd gone to trucking school.

2) Life is full of surprises. For instance, if you look under your mortarboard, you'll find your first student loan payment book.

1) When in doubt, go to graduate school.


Jennifer said...



zombie rotten mcdonald said...

7) For the love of God, use spell check.

...or the Zombeez will get you.

incidentally, on the previous thread you referred to one Billy Corrigan, member of the Pumpkins of Smashing. Unless the revolving door of his ego has started spinning too fast to keep up with, I think you meant CorganSpellcheck would not have helped you there. Be on the lookout for zombies.

Anonymous said...

#10) should have one less zero! shank or be shanked, i say!

Mendacious D said...

11) If you went through college thinking "Fuck authority," may i remind you that your awkward experimental phases end NOW.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...


Churlita said...

#1 would be funny, if it weren't my life. I've never had more calls from people asking to get second and third degrees.

fish said...

14b) Practice the phrase "would you like fries with that?"

TLB said...

LOL, fish. Did you follow me to my first post-bacc job?

My verification word is "enchle." Mmmm, enchles.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

82. Today you are $50K in debt. The good news is the bank you borrowed it from may not be here tomorrow. The bad news, good luck with that!

Snag said...

11) It's worse than it looks.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

11b) it's worse than you think

11c) it's worse than you can CONCEIVE.

fish said...

Did you follow me to my first post-bacc job?

I was the person at the next register.

Kathleen said...

Billy Corrigan was supposed to sing at Lollapalooza, but a rival band leader's boyfriend took him out with a smash to the knee.