10) I look out here and see young, energetic faces ready to take the world by storm. Well, if any of you even think about trying to take my job, I'll fucking shank you.
9) Cherish this time you'll spend living at home until the economy improves.
8) Many of you leave college perhaps with more questions than answers, wondering what will happen when you walk across this stage and depart this campus. Except those of you in ROTC, your orders are taped to your diplomas.
7) For the love of God, use spell check.
6) Once you get out to the "real world," there will be times when you're confronted with things that shake the very foundations of your beliefs: The theory of evolution. The geological age of the Earth. Female orgasm. But in those dark times, remember this: you have something stronger than facts. You have an education from Bob Jones University.
5) No one will ever give a crap about your GPA.
4) College is a time to experiment, to ask questions, to shake up the authoritarian structure. As you enter the workforce, I highly recommend that you forget all of that nonsense.
3) The sad truth is, you would have more earning power and job prospects if you'd gone to trucking school.
2) Life is full of surprises. For instance, if you look under your mortarboard, you'll find your first student loan payment book.
1) When in doubt, go to graduate school.