Top Ten Tuesdays: What awards are we up for?

Special Extended Walkoff Music Edition!

15) Best Supporting Role in a Threesome

14) Angriest Bird

13) Most Likely to Have a Drunk and Bitter Existence After Ruling Senior Year

12) Best Bullet Point Narration in a Live Presentation or Webcast

11) The High Times Hashiest Tag Award

10) Best Brofist

9) The First Annual Christopher Dorner Award for Most Misguided Attempt to Make a Point

8) Best Performance by an Emoticon

7) Most Desperate Attempt to Use Baby Pictures to Get Facebook Likes

6) Least Convincing Thanking of God in an Acceptance Speech

5) Best Use of Bestiality to Boost Brand Awareness

4) Least Racist YouTube Comment

3) Best Netflix Queue

2) Most Valuable Player Hater

1) Best Awards Categories

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why are we leaving the papacy?

Special extended homily edition!

15) Feeling more Pontius than papal.

14) Working full time on bath soap line, Pope-on-a-Rope.

13) Starting a new international language club, The Latin Kings.

12) Can’t stomach another month of Filet O’ Fish on Lenten Fridays.

11) After a lifetime of working on canons, want to hit the gym to work on our guns.

10) Finally celebrating Fat Tuesday the way God intended: showing our tits for Rosary beads.

9) Tired of people making infallible jokes when our NCAA bracket goes bust.

8) Starting new death metal band, The Cardinal Sins.

7) The frock and funny hat make it really hard to pick up women.

6) Becoming an image consultant for the Republican party.

5) Feel the Catholic Church needs the strength and energy that can only be provided by a 75-year-old Pope.

4) Lawyers won’t automatically know where we live.

3) Drinking six chalices of  the "Blood of Christ" every day is turning our liver into water.

2) Want to be able to end our papal life with dignity and on our terms, before we become a shell of our former selves.

1) Natural instinct for a Ratso to be the first one off a sinking ship.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we going to do now that football is over?

13) Find out what happened to the wife and kids five months ago.

12) Check Mel Kiper’s Twitter feed every minute for the next 115,200 minutes until the NFL Draft.

11) Try not to get murdered by a very bored Ray Lewis.

10) Clean off the Fathead.

9) Use power of Tim Tebow jersey to change Gatorade into Coors Light.

8) Submit proposal to improve NBA by allowing players to wear helmets and tackle each other.

7) Have blood transfusion to remove mass quantities of dip from arteries.

6) Tattoo our career stats on our arm so we can remember what we did with our lives after we’ve become drooling, concussed vegetables.

5) Start a fantasy league for alcoholic beverages.

4) Throw red challenge flag to overturn custody ruling.

3) Hockey, I guess.

2) Go back to church so we can pray for our team’s chances next year.

1) Whatever Lord Goodell demands of us.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we going to do about gun violence?

Special high capacity 12-gauge edition! 

12) Whoah, back off! You’re way to close to home! Don’t make me shoot you!

11) Oh, it’s just you. Sorry about that. There’s a lot of crazies with guns out there, so you can’t be too careful about who you might have to shoot. Good thing these babies have safeties or I’d have had another “accidental” shooting on my hands. Plus your trigger finger gets really slippery when it’s covered in blood.

10) Look, if we outlaw guns, only criminals will have them. It doesn't make any sense to ban something when you can’t effectively enforce that ban.

9) Except drugs, of course. And national borders. And speeding. And sodomy. And stealing office supplies.

8) It’s also why we should develop more law-abiding gun owners by giving kids firearms. The sooner they start, the sooner they can start acting responsibly.

7) Of course, this doesn't at all apply to drinking. Or driving. Or voting. Or military service. Or buying lottery tickets. Those things are too dangerous for kids, unlike firearms.

6) Besides, look at countries that have a lot of gun ownership and don’t have gun violence. Like Canada. They should be our models.

5) Except for health care. Or social welfare. Or pronunciation. Or milk containers.

4) Finally, it doesn't matter. The Second Amendment guarantees the right to bear arms. The Supreme Court has upheld that. And the Constitution and the Supreme Court are never wrong.

3) Except about slavery. And women's equality. And drinking. And maybe income taxes, ‘cause income taxes suck. AmIrite?

2) Plus, guns don’t kill people. People kill people. Especially people with guns. Wait, that came out wrong.

1) Hmm, looks like we’ve backed ourselves into a corner a bit here about solving gun violence. I guess we’ll just a have to shoot our way out.

Top Ten Wednesdays: What New Year’s resolutions have we already broken?

Special extra weak flesh edition!

15) Reducing the blow-by-blow in our play-by-play.

14) Using the treadmill without having takeout delivered to us.

13) Avoiding making Piers Morgan look sane and sympathetic.

12) Not using sex as a weapon.

11) Not using Pat Benatar as a weapon.

10) Not using cheap, dated pop culture references in place of original thoughts.

9) Standing firm instead of reaching across the aisle to satisfy a stiff Boehner.

8) Acting like less of a Dickensian.

7) Trying hard to be more sophisticated.

6) Respecting boundaries in the champagne room.

5) Finishing novel instead of converting it to Pinterest format.

4) Using Mapquest to find the gym we signed up for last year.

3) Complimenting minorities without using the backs of our hands.

2) Doing that thing we’ve always wanted to do but have never gotten around to but are finally going to…ooh, Keeping Up With the Kardashians marathon!

1) Writing funny blog posts.

Top Ten Thursdays: What did we find stuffed in our stockings?

Special extra 12 days of Christmas edition!

12) Subpeona.

11) Box of rubbers with two missing.

10) Phone pre-loaded with a video of our sister-in-law which was clearly meant for brother’s stocking.

9) Copy of budget proposal with an orange bronzer stain that looks like face of Pontius Pilate.

8) One pissed-off tarantula.

7) Peppermint Xanax canes (thanks, sis!)

6) Bottle containing the Ghost of Drunk Christmas Past, Present, and Future.

5) A lump sum from the coal lobby.

4) White Flower candle from Confederate Candle.

3) Four-Finger Louie’s fifth finger (with bonus pinky ring).

2) Brochure from Santa’s Village, the old folk’s home our ungrateful children are committing us to.

1) Note saying, “Sry, naughty – S.C.”

Top Ten Wednesdays: Why were we relieved from duty?

Special Operation Endless Entendre Edition

15) Deployed our troops to multiple unauthorized hot zones.

14) Violated rules of engagement through use of stress positions with our assets.

13) Removed restrictive intelligence briefs in order to facilitate going full commando.

12) Received way too much blowback during undercover missions.

11) Spent an inordinate amount of time investigating leads from the Militarily Intelligent Ladies File.

10) Started as a military observer, but got sucked into conducting an insurgency into the bush.

9) Added whips to the chain of command.

8) Procured lucrative military contract for Adam and Eve.

7) Redirected spy satellites to scope out topless beaches for babes.

6) Kept labeling self as a hard target.

5) Diverted funds to form all-female SEAL Team 69.

4) Leaked our homemade video of our insertion team engaging in some excessive wet work.

3) Ordered attractive WMD experts to search for a huge bunker buster in our pants.

2) Set DEFCON status to “HORNY”

1) Put the Homeland into Homeland Security.

Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we voting?

10) Republican, because the best preparation for a future without electricity is a government that’s already medieval.

9) Democrat, because we need to know we can buy rubbers after the bars close.

8) Libertarian, because hands off my shit or I’ll fucking cut you.

7) Green, because, dude.

6) Constitution, because we are also old white people who take a dim view toward blacks.

5) Tea, because FREEDOM TAXES DEBT GUNS ILLEGALS JESUS BLARGH!!!

4) Independent, because we love Burger King’s hamburgers but prefer McDonald’s fries.

3) Socialist, because these student loans aren’t going to forgive themselves.

2) Romney, because we want a president we could play polo with.

1) Obama, because his skin looks like our favorite drink at Starbucks and he’s twice as smooth.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we learning about the real Mitt Romney?

Special extended "guy you would have a glass of Chateau Margaux 1787 with" edition!

15) New and improved empathy circuits now allow him to sense economic pain among the top 5% of all earners.

14) Became a Mormon for the tax-benefits of having multiple wives, only to find out bigamy was outlawed. Boy, was he steamed, but he eventually grew to love Ann.

13)  Is so committed to cutting spending that he will make every member of his administration run with scissors.

12) While governor of Massachusetts, showcased his sense of humor by beating Bill Belichick in a joke-telling contest. 

11) Is a huge fan of rap music outside of the lyrical content. 

10) Had his penis monogrammed. 

9) Relaxes by heading to the Caribbean, cracking open a Corona, and basking in the glow of his offshore accounts. 

8) When he says he buys American, he buys actual Americans.

7) Loves to call New Jersey Governor Chris Christie “Chris Crisco” while twisting his man-boobs until the governor says his name. 

6) Once nearly died after a three-day Ameritrade bender.

5)  Offered to give gay Republican delegates free haircuts.

4) His flatulence makes the sound of a cash register.

3) Can recite the ticker symbol of any company on the Dow Jones.

2) Provides a little "stimulus" in the bedroom by playing a game called “Just the 1%.”

1) Lost a $1 bet with John McCain after he didn't believe John McCain could turn a foreign-born, Middle-Eastern-dictator-named, coke-snorting, jump-shooting, Islamic-schooled, terrorist-fist-bumping Negro into the president of the United States.

Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we misspeak?

10) Referred to “those people” when we were discussing those people.

9) Didn't mean to label female orgasm as “the whore’s reward.”

8) When we referred to ourselves as “proponents of a theory that allows us to be immature, self-centered, uncaring asshats,” we meant to say ,“We’re big fans of Ayn Rand.”

7) Regretted adding, “Money money money! Cha-ching! I’m rich, bee-yoch!” when calling for the permanent extension of the Bush tax cuts.

6) Accidentally said, “We will turn the elderly into a delicious, nutritious paste” instead of “We need to find cost-effective ways to deal with Medicare and childhood obesity.”

5) Should have said we were “sticking up for the job creators” instead of “sticking it to the job seekers.”

4) Our comment about banks, “they’re going to put y’all back in chains,” neglected to mention that customers will be charged 5% or $50 per month for chain-wearing privileges unless maintaining a minimum balance of $5000 in checking.

3) Due to a find and replace error, our speech referred to “fisting” instead of “austerity.”

2) We forgot to preface our remarks, “Obama ordered the shootings in Aurora as a way to enact gun control,” with “Here’s how you can make Lars Ulrich seem likeable by comparison.”

1) When we said, “We, the American Taliban, value the right of splooge violently forced into your hoo-hah to create a living reminder of your hellish sexual brutalization more than your right to take a pill or have a doctor remove a clump of cells from your uterus, because if you really didn’t want to get pregnant, you wouldn’t be out walking around without a husband or with a job, you selfish, murderous, equality-loving slut,” we meant to say, “We’re the party of pro-life.”

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we checking out at the state fair?

Special extended acid washing edition!

11) I Can’t Believe It’s Not Michelangelo’s David!

10) The biggest set of cans you’ll ever see.

9) Cotton candy hair extensions. 

8) Heart stents made out of deep-fried bacon.

7) The Tilt-O-Hurl.

6) Ron Paul supporters working their day jobs. 

5) A lot of parties in the back, not as much business in the front.

4) Foot-long meth dogs.

3) Guess the OSHA violations to win a prize.

2) Sisters Christian, the all-female, all-sibling, all-gospel Night Ranger cover band extravaganza!

1) As always, hog balls.

Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we celebrating the Fourth of July?

10) Getting “Don’t tread on me” tattooed on penis.

9) Wearing our best American flag muumuu.

8) Visiting the burn ward after sparklers ignited the chicken grease on our fingers.

7) Using up the expired dip in our fridges because we’ve got health care, bitches!

6) Playing “America the Beautiful” while piloting a drone attack against a villag…er, terrorist stronghold.

5) Listening to our uncle who went to the local state school on the G.I. Bill, worked at Lockheed Martin, and uses his Social Security to buy E85 for his FlexFuel Chrysler complain about government handouts.

4) Remembering the heroic sacrifices and bravery of the colonists by shoving 50 hot dogs in our pie hole while a crowd cheers.

3) Taking a patriotic step toward next year’s pivotal Supreme Court case: First Amendment v. Pants.

2) Heading to the nearest red state where the fireworks-stand-to-Planned-Parenthood ratio is higher than the maximum altitude of a Mongolian Sky Fucker bottle rocket.

1) Downing 13 beers and belching the Declaration of Independence.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What else is Facebook changing without our permission?

10) Autotagging all of our nip slips.

9) Showing every status update we crosspost to Twitter as, “Cum see my new & improved Facebook pics bit.nip/@reol@s”

8) Making us fans of the U.S. Border Patrol if we set the new required immigration status field to “it’s complicated.”

7) Logging in automatically fires off a message to Tom from MySpace asking why he hasn’t killed himself already.

6) Listing status as “stalking” when checking pictures of our exes.

5) Uploading our personal info to Siri so she can whisper important messages from Facebook’s preferred marketing partners to us while we sleep.

4) Defaulting our Spotify playlist updates to “All Bieber, All The Time.”

3) Changing all Farmville notifications to ask our friends, “Why not purchase a bushel of bountiful Facebook stock?”

2) Autocorrecting any mention of “privacy” to “Zuckerbergaliciousness.”

1) Pretty much every fucking thing every fucking day.

Top Ten Wednesdays: What word got us banned from the House floor by Republican lawmakers?

10) Michicunts

9) Chingamnesty

8) Hot-and-Biebered

7) RomKnee'd

6) Homoverdue

5) Scrotonymous

4) Bushleague

3) Ashcrofted

2) DicKeynesian

1) Kochsuckers

Top Ten Wednesdays: How did we celebrate the release of the new Rush album?

Special Spirit of Streaming Radio Edition! 

XII. Remixed the track order using rolls from our 12-sided die.

XI. Discovered that the new album synchronizes perfectly with the movie Strange Brew.

X. Wrote fan fiction about the actual fiction that accompanies the album.

IX. Slappa’d sum bass.

VIII. Waxed our handlebar mustache, slipped into our most comfortable kimono, and lubed our ears.

VI. Composed a concept album about a young man looking for a woman who’s really into concept albums.

V. Answered every question anyone asked us by screeching, “YEAH, OH YEAH!”

IV. Filled a five-gallon drum full of Tim Horton’s and put on an adult diaper before playing all 20 studio albums in a row.

III. Tried converting our MP3 to 8-track.

II. Noted the irony that the current economy allowed us to recreate the conditions of listening to Rush when we were teenagers: being unemployed and living with our parents.

I. Spent the day with the album on repeat and an extended drum solo in our pants.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What new videogames are we unveiling at E3?

Special extra lives edition!

15) Kinect Karma Sutra (lotion sold separately)

14) Call of Duty: Drone Ops 

13)  SuperPAC-Man (requires 10,000,000 Microsoft Points to play) 

12) Tomb Raider: Girl Gone Wild

11) Artisan Pong (available exclusively in Brooklyn arcades)

10) Angry Words With People We Thought Were Our Friends

9) Madden: NFL Bounty Hunter

8) Dong Pic Construction Kit (require Twitter account)

7) Diablo IV: Quest for the Working Server

6) Turdwaffle II: The Turdening (beta available in Wisconsin; national release coming soon)

5) Sim Jobs (supplies limited and going down the drain fast)

4) Battleship: The Game of the Movie of the Game

3) Rock Band 4: Music Lessons (Teacher sold separately)

2) Resident Evil : Florida

1) The Videogame Industry Is Stuck in a Creative Rut and Headed Toward Obsolescence 6

Top Ten Wednesdays: What are we telling graduates during our commencement speeches?

10) As you enter the workforce, don’t even think of gunning for our jobs. We’ll fucking cut you.

9) The qualities that make you the best and brightest minds of your generation will also make you the most delicious and attractive brains during a zombie apocalypse.

8) Don’t think of it as a student loan. Think of it as a career mortgage. Or, for those of you in the humanities, a bar tab.

7) In these uncertain times, many of you may have to move back home with your parents. Take a word of advice that your dorm roommates should have already given: you don’t masturbate as quietly as you think you do.

6) Hard work, a positive attitude, and a commitment to honesty are no match for really juicy blackmail.

5) Thank you for joining us for this VirtualGraduation for the University of Phoenix. If you don’t receive your diplomas at the end of this Webcast, please check your spam folders.

4) When that old roommate that you haven’t talked to since graduation is on the news because the company he founded, based on that idea you guys had at three in the morning that you both agreed would never work, just got bought out by Google, resist the urge to kill yourself.

3) If your band didn’t suck, you would be on tour instead of here.

2) Here are the things that scream, “Don’t hire me!” in order of increasing unemployableness: real mustache, irony mustache, mullet, wife-beater, face tattoos, any clothing tight enough to reveal genital piercings, any mention of your number of Twitter followers, a poetry degree, a visible parasitic twin.

1) With your lives in front of you, it seems like there are a million possibilities. Try lowering that estimate to three, maybe five, tops.

Top Ten Wednesdays: What man-candle scents are we buying?

Special extra manly Yankee Candle aromas edition!

25) Masturbation Weekend

24) AXEcentuate

23) Mancave Musk

22) Trophy Wife

21) I Change My Own Oil

20) Apron Strings

19) Dutch Oven

18) Lamborghini Leather

17) Is That Your Feet?

16) She Left This When She Left Me

15) Butter Shave

14) Laundry Pile

13) It’s Saturday Night, Honey

12) Smell You Later

11) Videogame Chair

10) Skinny Jeans

9) Zubaz Pants

8) Late-Night Burrito

7) Light Until the Viagra Kicks In

6) We’ve Got Wood for Paneling

5) Mountain Dew

4) Oh Shit, My Parents Are Back

3) Corner Bar

2) Testicle Cheese

1) Single, Thin, and Neat

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why are we still blogging?

10) For all the chicks. 

9) Do not get nearly the same level of positive feedback when we post dick jokes in company e-mails.

8) Just when we think we’re finished with cute pictures of cats with humorously misspelled captions, they pull us back in.

7) Fucking novel refuses to write itself.

6)  Comments from virtual friends is a nice change of pace from comments from our imaginary friends.

5) Get much more satisfaction out of writing 1,000 words about how a combination of poor barista service, a parking ticket, a block of Cure songs on Spotify, and a bad sexual experience have made us completely miserable today instead of just posting a picture of a sad clown to Tumblr.

4) Still hoping to take our unpaid talents to the Huffington Post some day.

3) When we said until death us do part, we meant it, and Blogger won't fucking die. 

2) Keyboard still helps us reach that seven-year creative itch. 

1) We’re still blogging?

Top Ten Wednesdays: How are we showing that we can relate to the common conservative?

Special extended elbow-patch rubbing edition!

12) Sporting the latest tinfoil hat from Armani’s new Anti-Fed-ora line.

11) Dressing like the Malbaro Man while riding our dressage horses.

10) Getting Social Security expenses under control by cutting all funding for health care, environmental protection, food regulations, and anti-smoking laws.

9) Using only Aqua Net in our hair.

8) Buying a 50lb barrel of Grey Poupon at Costco.

7) Reassuring Evangelical voters that no one supports marriage more than Mormons.

6) Proclaiming how supportive we are of stay-at-home moms, especially when they spend their days dealing with from those promiscuous, unmarried whores who need to drop their bastard kids off at daycare before getting their lazy asses to their nannying jobs at our house.

5) Showing that we support and understand the plight of our troops because we went to battle every day when we were in the trenches at the New York Stock Exchange.

4) Putting “Buy American” bumper stickers on every Cadillac we own.

3) Saying we didn’t need the extra regulation and expense of government-funded mortgage relief when it took us six days to find a buyer for our backup vacation home on Cape Cod.

2) Changing out of our Brooks Brothers slacks and into a pair of Levis before we start talking out of our ass.

1) Supporting a Stand Your Ground Law to remove that black intruder from our White House.