Thursday, February 23, 2006

Classroom Bias for Dummies

A Reference for the Left of Us!

All across America, innocent, pure, intellectually hungry college students are being warped by radical liberal professors. Selfless conservative heroes of academic freedom such as David Horowitz and Andrew Jones have attempted to alert America to this Red Cap-and-Gown Menace, but have been thwarted by the Axis of Evidence: the alliance of academia, media, and morality that demand proof when making accusations.

But now you can quiet any and every effete humanities professor and eco-terrorizing science researcher. This handy guide will help you identify if your professor is a fine fellow, or a fellow traveler.

Each of the paired statements below will compare liberal classroom bias to fair and balanced instruction.


Characteristics of your professor

Smells like Phish—Biased
Smells like old money—Not Biased

Looks like Stevie NicksBiased
Looks like Steve ForbesNot Biased

Drives a Volvo—Biased
Drives a Hummer—Not Biased

Favors peasant dresses—Biased
Favors dresses made by peasants—Not Biased

Wears Birkenstocks—Biased
Owns Nike stocks—Not Biased

Teaching style

Citation format: Author, title, place of publication, publisher, year of publication—Biased
Citation format: Book, chapter, verse—Not Biased

Allows students to speak freely—Biased
Allows students to speak about freely about how freedom isn't free—Not Biased

Requires students to raise hands to ask questions—Biased
Requires students to raise hands to hail the professor—Not Biased

American History

“Deep Throat” seriously damaged Nixon’s popularity—Biased
A deep throat didn’t damage Clinton’s popularity enough—Not Biased

The U.S lost Vietnam because it supported corrupt regimes in South Vietnam and failed to win the support of the Vietnamese people—Biased
The U.S lost Vietnam because pussies like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, and listening to your goddamned Beatles albums!Not Biased

The interning of the Japanese was one of the greatest travesties to American civil liberties—Biased
The interning of the Japanese was like a big, fun trip to camp (that just happened to be mandatory)!—Not Biased

Joseph McCarthy’s wild accusations and lack of evidence eventually led to his disgrace—Biased
It’s a disgrace that Tailgunner Joe doesn’t have his own national holidayNot Biased

World History

There are two sides to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict—Biased
A Palestinian state will interfere with The Rapture—Not Biased

Homosexuality was commonly accepted among Greek warriors—Biased
Talking about the lengthy javelins of Greek warriors gives me woodNot Biased

Africa and Latin America have been decimated by imperialism—Biased
Why are we wasting time on Africa and Latin America? Let’s get back to those Greek warriors and their big javelins—Not Biased

Political Science

The system of checks and balances prevents the Executive Branch from assuming too much power—Biased
The system of checks and balances keeps the President from doing God’s will—Not Biased

The Bill of Rights protects our freedoms—Biased
The Bill of Rights gets in the way of freedom—Not biased

There is a wall separating Church and State—Biased
The State should build walls for new Churches—Not Biased

Law

Habeas corpusBiased
Torturous maximusNot Biased

Citizens have a right to privacy—Biased
The government has a right to know what citizens are doing in private—Not Biased

Economics

Outsourcing leads to layoffs—Biased
Outsourcing leads to stock options—Not Biased

Tax cuts can produce huge deficits—Biased
Tax cuts can produce huge surpluses...in my portfolio—Not Biased

Literary studies

Literature can teach us much about the how we interact with our fellow men and women—Biased
Literature can teach us much about how college kids are boinking like heathensNot Biased

Great novelists: Steinbeck, Faulkner, Morisson, Woolf, Ellison—Biased
Great novelists: Rand, Clancy, Gingrich, O’Reilly, and more Rand—Not Biased

Women’s Studies

Required reading: Friedan, Steinem, Woolf, Faludi, de Beauvoir—Biased
Required reading: Schaffley, Coulter, O’Beirne, Dr. Laura, Paul’s First Letter to the Corinthians —Not Biased

Studying women’s contributions to history and culture—Biased
Studying women’s contributions to housekeeping and dinner—Not Biased

Religious Studies

Studying the Bible in the context of other religious texts—Biased
Studying the Bible—Not Biased

African-American Studies

Studying African Americans—Biased
Profiling African Americans—Not Biased

Queer Theory

The study of gay, lesbian, and transgender history and culture—Biased
Another name for Darwinism—Not Biased

Science

We have observed changes throughout the fossil record that suggest evolution—Biased
We have observed everything we need to know in the Book of Genesis—Not Biased

Stem cells could be the key to destroying diseases and infirmities—Biased
Stem cells could be the key to destroying Roe v. WadeNot Biased

Your paper supporting the President’s science policies gets a bad grade because it lacks originality and was not properly researched—Biased
Your paper supporting the President’s science policies was forwarded to the NASA human resources departmentNot Biased


Remember, the great American higher education system was founded on the principle of presenting both sides of an argument. You owe it to your students to give them the truth, and not to let your personal beliefs influence your instruction.

12 comments:

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Another great post. I had the mixed type with Volvos and clothes made by pesants at America's top liberal arts college. And not Williams you purple wearing p#ssies! :)

Brando said...

I am a member of the freedom-hating Volvo-owning Fifth Column in America. Although I own one of the new, undercover ones that don't scream out "I honk for Earth Day." It would be really fun to buy one of the old station wagons and just cover it with right-wing bumper stickers.

Pinko Punko said...

Dude- you are efforting!

I cannot handle all these cobags.

Did you vote for america's worst prof at front page? We' ve Freeped that poll good! Berube, baby!

The Viscount LaCarte said...

Excellen post. I came here thanks to glue birl...

Brando said...

Pinko, I voted for Berube. It would have been nice if the knuckle-dragging mouthbreathers at Frontpage had put the list in alpha order by professor instead of school. Nice data validation they had, too.

I saw the Horoshits book at the store last weekend. It just screams cheap, like the Regenery editors threw it together during a five martini-lunch. It made Coulter's books look like academic monographs.

Viscount, your excellency, thank you for the kind words. Hope you stop by again.

Seth Christenfeld said...

Great novelists: Rand, Clancy, Gingrich, O’Reilly, and more Rand—Not Biased

You forgot Crichton.

steve said...

"Studying African Americans—Biased
Profiling African Americans—Not Biased"

Great stuff...I love it

a zombie said...

your indictment of these liberal schools is shocking.. in its greatness! i'm so glad to find others who agree that intern camps are fun! hey, we should use those again! yay, south dakota!

Brando said...

Good suggestion on Crichton, I knew there was a hack I missed.

Julia said...

Hahahahahaha!

Wow, looks like you can't afford to have an opinion these days if you're teaching. Too bad.

Anonymous said...

Took one look and decided not to waste my time on this shit.

Brando said...

Thanks for caring enough to leave some quality feedback, anonymous. You showed some incredible creativity there.