And the ads weren't just bland or bad, they often didn't make any sense. Diet Pepsi using “brown and bubbly” as a slogan? Yes, create a beverage tagline that immediately makes you think of the Diarrhea Song. (It was appropriate that they used Jay Mohr, since his act produces intestinal cramps.)
We also saw five blade shavers (how hairy can your scrotum be?) and a Go Daddy.com commercial that was like skipping the sex in a porn movie to listen to the dialogue. The only good commercials were the 127 Anheuser-Busch spots, which would have been a great advertising move if drinking their product wasn't like letting a Clydesdale piss in your mouth.
Of course, it's easier to tear down than build up. So in the spirit of putting my money where my smart mouth is, I thought of a couple commercials I would make if I abandonned any hope of writing a novel for the instant gratification of a $2 million brand-building money shot.
COMMERCIAL 1 (Sweet Surprise)
A HUSBAND walks into his kitchen at night, home from a hard day’s work. He sets his briefcase down on the table...and notices a white box of Krispy Kreme donuts.
In the upstairs bedroom, his WIFE is putting on a sexy bit of lingerie. She calls downstairs.
Honey, I’ve got a special treat for you tonight.
In the kitchen, the Husband removes his jacket and loosens his tie, standing above the Krispy Kreme box.
The WIFE sprays some perfume on her neck.
It’s super sweet.
In the kitchen, the Husband flips the box open and grabs a donut, licking a bit of glaze off his fingers.
The WIFE is walking down the stars.
And it’s warm and hot and ready to be eaten.
The HUSBAND brings the donut to his lips.
WIFE (moving through the living room)
And it will just melt in your mouth.
The HUSBAND tears into the donut, practically stuffing the whole thing in his mouth.
WIFE (almost to the kitchen)
And when you get through, you’re going to want more, more, more!
The HUSBAND is devouring the box in an orgasmic fit of eating, glaze all over his lips and chin. He looks up and sees the wife standing in the doorway. He waves weakly, a half-eaten donut in his hand.
WIFE (scowling for a beat, then breaking into a smile)
I can’t believe you started without me!
They each grab a donut and feed them to each other.
A screen showing a box of Krispy Kreme donuts
VO (sexy female voice):
Krispy Kreme donuts. Soooo good.
If the Diet Pepsi gurus had done that campaign, the tagline would probably have been: Krispy Kreme donuts. Brown and lumpy.
COMMERCIAL 2 (Make Way for B&J)
A LARGE MAN sits at a dinner table. There are several plates surrounding him, with bits and pieces of pasta, sauce, meat, and bread still clinging to the surfaces. The table top also has crumbs and spilled sauce scattered on it. The top button of his pants is undone, and he breathes heavily as if he is so full, he couldn’t eat another bite.
A HAND from offscreen nudges a pint of Ben & Jerry’s into the lower right frame. The Large Man’s eyes dart to it. After a moment, his hand slowly reaches up, his fingers fumbling around the container, finally grasping the pint. With great effort he pulls it toward him with one hand while his other hand reaches for a spoon.
A PINT of the ice cream and the slogan appear on the bottom of the screen.
There’s no such thing as full when it’s Ben & Jerry’s.
See, it's really not that hard to write commercials that avoid summoning images of anal leakage....