Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Pin Me, Father

You can take the boy out of Church but you can't take the Church out of the boy. Happy Lenten resolution breaking!


Inside a confessional, KYLE McCALLAHAN kneels. FATHER JAMES BLACK sits behind the screen on the other side.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

How long has it been since your last confession, my son?

I can't remember. . . years. I've been away from the Church for quite some time.

I see. Well, as the father welcomed back the prodigal son, so your heavenly father welcomes you back. What would you like to confess?

I've been cheating on my wife.

Adultery is a serious sin, my son. Does your wife know?

No, but I have broken off the affair. I can't tell her—it would crush her. That's why I'm here—to seek forgiveness and to try a fresh start with my marriage. With God's help, of course.

The Lord forgives all who truly seek it. But you must do serious penance for your sins.

Absolutely! I'll say the "Our Father" and the "Hail Mary" until my voice is hoarse!

Father Black stands up and walks out of his side of the confessional.

I'm afraid it won't be that easy.

Father Black reaches into the confessional and yanks Kyle out by the collar. His voice rumbles through the darkened church.

You prostrating puke! You break one of the Ten Commandments, one of the laws Moses himself delivered from God, and you think you can just pray for forgiveness?

B-b-but I thought—when I was a boy, they just made us say a few prayers—

Silence! Prayers are for sissy priests who forgive sissy sins. You're in my world now, you worthless Philistine. Your little Bathsheba episode has earned you a trip to the Ring of Redemption!

Father Black raises his one free hand up to heaven. A secret door opens and he steps into a hidden chamber that holds a wrestling ring. A set of bleachers sits next to it, filled with a dozen priests and nuns, cheering with bloodlust.

Father Black grabs Kyle and hurls him under one of the ropes into the ring. Father Black rips at his shirt and pants. The tear apart, revealing black wrestling tights with a cross and the words
Jesus Saves on the front and But I Kick Ass! on the back. He still wears the priest's collar around his neck. He jumps into the ring.

An altar boy steps into the ring to act as a referee. He carries and incense burner and waves it over the two men as he speaks.

All right, I want a good clean penance. No spittin' of holy water or stanglin' with rosary beads. Redemption is decided on a three-count pin to the mat. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, go!

The sound of CHURCH BELLS announces the start of the match. Kyle tries to run away and slip under the ropes, but Father Black grabs him by the hair and pulls him back.

First, we need to clear your mind of all impure thoughts!

Father Black pulls Kyle's head back and thrusts him, head-first, into one of the turnbuckles in the corner. Kyle stands up, wobbling from the blow.

Jesus said if your hand is your problem, cut it off and cast it into fire.

Father Black grabs Kyle whips him into the ropes. Kyle bounces off one set of ropes and is thrown all the way across the ring, where he bounces into the ropes again and rebounds.

So we cut the problem off at the source!

Father Black stops Kyle's progress with a big black boot to the groin. Kyle groans in agony and slumps to the mat.

Father Black struts around the ring, flexing his muscles. The crowd goes nuts. He points to one NUN in the front row. She comes forward. Father Black tags her and she enters the ring. The altar boy tries to stop her from making an illegal entry, but she scowls and he backs off.

The nun drags Kyle by his ear to one side of the ring. She wraps his hands in the top rope. The nun reaches inside her habit and pulls out a wicked metal ruler. She raises it slowly, the crowd cheering as she does so. The ruler comes down on Kyle's bound left hand with a loud SLAP. He lets out his worst cry of the night.

Please, sister! Anything but that!

The nun repeats the blow on the other hand. Kyle yelps. She tags Father Black and exits the ring.

Father Black untangles Kyle from the ropes and moves him to the center of the ring. He lays Kyle out so that his arms and legs are outstretched as if on a cross. The priest goes to the corner and climbs on the top rope.

Jesus was crucified for your sins, but you're not getting off that easy.

He leaps off the top rope. At the last moment, Kyle rolls over. Father Black crashes to the floor, writhing in agony. Kyle picks the priest up and flings him into the ropes. On the rebound, Kyle pops him in the face. Father Black stands holding one cheek.

Now for the other one.

Again, Kyle hurls the priest into the ropes. On the rebound, Kyle clotheslines him right in the neck. Father Black crumples.

Kyle goes to the altar boy and grabs his incense burner. He swings it by the long chain toward Father Black, but the priest moves at the last minute. The heavy burner drags Kyle off-balance. Father Black grabs him and picks him up over his head as Kyle drops the incense.

You should have been pinned when you had the chance, my son. Because now you're excommunicated!

With that, Father Black hurls Kyle outside of the ring. The church bells chime to signal the end of the match. The crowd cheers. Father holds his hands up in triumph. He gestures to the altar boy.

It's almost time for 5:30 mass. Make sure you detain anyone who comes in late.

The altar boy picks up the incense burner as they exit the ring.


Joel said...

Wow ... so much bigotry in such a small page. You got any black jokes you wanna share, since you seem to excel at judging people based on demographics.

Brando said...

How would this be bigoted? It's a little fun with the idea of confession.

ofatmarine said...

This is hilarious.

The priest must have been a former Marine Corps drill instructor. "Dufus maggot. You just got your whole platoon killed."

Sinning will no longer be easy.