This segued into a conversation about what my memoirs would be called. I use the plural because I have such volumes of angst, neuroses, self-loathing, and unused one-liners that it would take a Britannica-sized set of memoirs, autobiographies, essays, and self-serving New Yorker pieces to catalog everything. Here are some titles I came up with that capture my life and could maybe help me muscle in on some of David Sedaris’s table scraps:
Two Sprained Wrists and a Smile
Rush Limbaugh...Naked...On a Pyramid of Butter...And Other Failed Experiments in Sexual Endurance
I Am the Champion: How I Won the Super Bowl, Killed All the Aliens, and Saved the Princess After My Wife Went to Bed
Aren’t You Going to Card Me? Reflections on the Aging Process
All Binge and No Purge: My Life in the Buffet Line
The Sweatiest Guy at the Gym
What Grown Man Would Travel 900 Miles to Go to a Rush Concert and Other Confessions
Where the Streets Have No Names Because I Was Too Busy Throwing Up on Them to Read the Signs
I Didn’t Know Hair Could Grow There: More Reflections on the Aging Process
What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting
I’ll Bet Jennifer Love Hewitt Has a Smelly Cooter (Cultural Observations From My Couch Series, Vol. 1)
Don’t Laugh, It Only Encourages Him
Me n' TLB, the F. Scott to My Zelda
And if anyone from Harpo Productions is reading this, I swear every word would be true. Mostly. Most every word would be true. Many, many of the words would be true, except for the ones that aren't, but even those would be close to being true, unless the truth wasn't interesting and I make a few changes until I write how I can have sex longer than Sting....
*i.e. eating at Chili's and going to Target
6 comments:
Eating Chilis and going to Target? For shame!
Hey now, don't go knocking Chili's. Sometimes a feller needs his Monterey Jack smothered, bacon accented chicken fajitas.
And most of my current exercise ensemble has been assembled at Tar-jay
Target is about as bad as Wal-mart in the female contraception issue. No Target. No Target, unless you go there to buy condoms in an act of defiance.
Chilis! Nope, I can leave that with Applebees and Outback. Now, I admit, I need, I need 'The Hut!
laughed out loud. literally. embarrassing to do alone, very late at night.
That was hilarious ... !!
Rush Limbaugh naked and butter might work better for me than Maury Povich and butter. I kept thinking of Connie Chung and that threw me over the edge.
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