Gargantuan birds genetically engineered to defend freedom, Caucasians
Bush, displaying a prototype of the “Freedom Eagle,” explains that the avian defenders will be fully authorized to conduct “swoop and poop” missions.
WASHINGTON - Seeking to placate a conservative base clamoring for tough enforcement of immigration laws, President Bush unveiled a new weapon in the war to defend the nation’s southern borders: giant, man-eating birds.
“Today, America stretches its wings across a new era of immigration reform,” the President said in front of a meeting of the immigration reform group, “Gringos for Change.”
The President explained that the eagles had been in secret development by the Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with the Pentagon, since 2002. The birds sport thirty-foot wingspans, with talons capable of holding 54 cubic feet, or six adults. They will be officially classified as the 1st Feathered Calvary Division.
“One of these birds can take out an entire El Camino,” the President remarked, “and two should be able to handle all but the most packed flat-bed pickups and conversion vans.”
While the exact orders of the 1st Feathered Calvary are classified, the President mentioned that all responses are, “on the table,” and that the birds are allowed to devour man-flesh.
The typical avian interception scenario involves the birds spotting suspicious groups of individuals moving across the border. The Freedom Eagles may then release excretory droppings at the individuals, as warning shots or to immobilize them. The birds, trained to spot green cards, passports, and other official identification, will scratch at the ground once to ask for proper ID. If the individuals do not produce it in a timely fashion, the Freedom Eagles will grab the perpetrator and fly him or her back to Mexico. If the perpetrator resists, the eagles are authorized to swallow them whole.
“This is exactly the kind of tough law enforcement we need,” said political analyst Britt Hume. “And what better symbol than the eagle to put the white back in red, white, and blue.
“Plus, the program pays for itself, as the eagles can eat their fill of illegal aliens.”
Democrats were cautious about the program, applauding its creativity while denouncing its carnivorous aspects. “I agree with the President that we need to do something about our porous borders,” said Senator Hillary Clinton, “and I appreciate the President using a natural, environmentally friendly means of enforcement. But I'm not sure what kind of message we're sending to the the rest of the world when we have giant birds devouring immigrants.”
Republican Senator Bill Frist downplayed the human consumption potential of the program. “Let’s not forget, these people are criminals. Criminals need to be punished. And keep in mind, only those illegal immigrants who resist will be eaten. These are the hard cases, the repeat offenders, who will only be emigrating to a giant gizzard.”
The President emphasized that the program would be safe. “If you're not an illegal immigrant, you do not have to worry about getting eaten by these birds,” Bush said.
The program will be tried on an experimental basis, explained Agent Charles Whiting of the Department of Homeland Security. “We will be monitoring the birds closely, to make sure they do not abduct native-born cows, pets, children, or legal immigrants and visitors. “Each bird has a regurgitation safe word as well, so agents can control them in the event of a digestive malfunction.”
Whiting noted that, if the program along the border proves successful, the Department of Homeland Security plans to shore up the Canadian border with patrols of giant, man-eating moose.