Spot the persecution

Best of Circle Jerk at the Square Dance.
Originally published May 23, 2005



Many Christians are complaining about being persecuted for their religious beliefs. Are you? Take this handy quiz to find out.

For each of the following, select the answer that is NOT an example of religious persecution.

1. Because of our religious beliefs or identity, we have been
a) sent to the gas chambers
b) nailed to a cross
c) stoned to death
d) voted into office

2. When others found out about our religious persuasion, they
a) threw us in jail
b) threw us to the lions
c) threw us into slavery
d) threw us a nice tax break

3. In order to worship freely, have been forced to
a) leave our homeland
b) fight long, bloody wars
c) spend centuries crusading for our rights
d) find a parking spot

4. To inflict pain on us, our enemies have
a) burned us at the stake
b) stretched us on the rack
c) dunked us underwater
d) criticized us in an op-ed

5. When we have tried to pray, we have
a) had our tongues cut out
b) had our hands cut off
c) had our kneecaps broken
d) been asked to do so quietly so as not to disrupt class

6. Our churches have been
a) burned down
b) blown up
c) boarded up
d) given generous zoning permits

7. Our women and children are
a) being murdered by soldiers
b) being driven from their homes
c) being denied food and water
d) going back for seconds at the church picnic


8. In our government, we have
a) no representation
b) no legal recourse
c) no right to defend ourselves
d) no problem getting laws passed because we control the legislature

9) To support our faith, we are forced to
a) pass coded messages
b) meet in secret
c) expose ourselves to physical retribution
d) pass a basket around every Sunday

10) When we criticize the perceived decadence of society, we are
a) beaten
b) blackballed
c) censored
d) asked to host our own show on Fox News

Scoring
If you answered a, b, or c to any of these questions, you have been seriously persecuted for your religious beliefs. You may even be a candidate for sainthood/martyrdom/a commemorative stamp.

If you answered d to all the questions, congratulations! You are able to practice your religion freely. But if you still feel your are being persecuted for your beliefs, please call 1-800-WHIN-ERS. A counselor will be on hand to help you pull your head out of your ass.