Wednesday, December 28, 2005

What I've Learned: Harriet Miers

(Aborted Surpreme Court Nominee, 50-something, a bar in Texas)

If Iran, Iraq, and North Korea are the Axis of Evil, then Dick Cheney and Karl Rove are the Double-Sided Dildo of Democracy.

Rove has his hand so far up the President’s ass, even Kermit would have told Jim Henson to ease the fuck up. You don’t see Rick Santorum drafting a constitutional amendment against that.

I used to think Bush was “cool.” Now I think he’s cool like the sun. It’s like I got asked to the prom and had goat’s blood dumped all over me. If I’d had a match handy I’d have burned the whole fucking place down.

I once stuck Laura Bush with a shiv. She didn’t bleed. She just spun her head around 180 degrees and her vocal circuits told me to have a nice day. The lesson: even when they are implausible, trust your instincts.

If I had a gavel dangling between my legs, I wouldn’t be sitting on this stool talking to you, I’d be banging it in court.

Everybody said I wasn’t qualified for the Supreme Court, because I worked for the Texas Lottery. “You just have to pull out the balls with the numbers on them blah blah blah.” Yeah, well Don Rumsfeld has a goddamned job, and all he does is play with his balls, too.

People give Jenna a hard rap because she’s a drunken slut, but really, she’s more of a drunk than a slut. She stands up for what she believes in, even when she can’t stand up.

Barbara, on the other hand...let’s just say it’s always the quiet ones.

So after all the shit happened and the President dumped me like a bag of blow down the Camp David toilet, I got a call from Playboy. Look, I said to them, I don’t care how much fucking money you are going to give me, I have my dignity, and I would never pose for you for less than a million bucks. Turns out it was just a call for a subscription. Too bad, I could have used the dough.

Roe v. Wade? It’s like poker, you gotta play to see my cards. But if it had been Rove’s Mom v. Wade, you’re goddamned right I’m voting for the abortion.

No one tells a Texas Lottery Commissioner when she’s had too much to drink. So hit me again, and put some liquor in it this time.

A CJSD original rip-off production.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we pass the time with our families over the holidays?

10) Gathered round the craps table at the boats.
9) Helped grandpa figure out where grandma hid his flask.
8) Let sports do the talking for us.
7) Reminded Uncle Chester that he couldn't play Santa Claus because having young children in his lap would violate his parole.
6) Had a "white Christmas" thanks to cousin Jeffrey, the dealer.
5) Explained to the kids that Santa couldn’t get them an XBox 360 because Bill Gates is a cocksucker.
4) Made venison out of the reindeer that ran over grandma.
3) Warned brother that if he didn't stop watching A Christmas Story for the seventh straight time, we were going to shoot his eye out.
2) Listened to mother say how she gave us the gift of life and that the least we could do to show our gratitude was make her another goddamned Manhattan.
1) Endured another "I told you so" from Dad about Iraq.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we end up on this year's naughty list?

Special 12 days of Christmas edition!

12) Got caught giving "milk and cookies" to a desperate Mrs. Claus.
11) Gave the thumbs up to a reality show starring Bobby Brown.
10) Made Baby Jesus cry by wishing people "Happy Holidays."
9) Supported terrorism.
8) Supported torture.
7) Copied music illegally. Copying music is very, very, very wrong, like stealing filet mignon right out of Bono’s mouth. (This number has been brought to you by the RIAA.)
6) Used the body of Katie Holmes as a Thetan spawning ground.
5) Touched more young boys than a Catholic priest during confirmation.
4) Tried to make our own naughty list without a warrant.
3) Ran the Star Wars franchise into the ground, lit it on fire, and pissed on the ashes.
2) Did a heck of a job on New Orleans.
1) Started a blog that clearly hates freedom.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Brokeback Cubicle

Open on the halls of an office, row after row of identical cubicles. Focus on a framed inspirational poster that shows two men standing right behind one another, pulling a rope, with the caption “Teamwork.”

Inside an office, CEO JOSEPH P. DIDDLER (Kevin Spacey) looks at two interviewees, LANCE DEL GORDO (Keanu Reeves) and JACK SPLIT (Orlando Bloom).

I can’t make up my mind between you two fine candidates,’re both hired. I expect you here Monday at 8 a.m. pronto.

Outside the office building, Lance and Jack hi-five each other, holding their hands together for a couple of extra moments.

Well, since we’re going to be working together, I suggest we start PowerPointing together.

Lance and Jack are in a cubicle, sitting side by side in front of a computer. Lance looks frustrated at his presentation, but Jack guides his mouse, cutting and pasting bullet points.

It was a friendship...

Lance picks up a stack of papers from his printer, but cuts his finger on the paper. He winces in pain as Jack looks at the cut. Their eyes meet, and Jack moves Lance’s cut finger to his lips.

Jackets are removed, ties are loosened, and tasseled loafers are slipped off. The door to the copy room closes.

That became a secret.

Lance and Jack are back at Jack's computer.

Our business is nobody’s business, not even HR’s.

There are acquisitions we can’t undo.

Lance and Jack are at the company picnic with their wives and kids. They hold each other as they sprint across the finish line in a three-legged race.

There are minutes of the meeting we have to revise.

Lance is with his wife in their breakfast nook.

You and Jack are sure going at it hard.

He’s just helping me straighten out my big PowerPoint presentation.

There are mergers we can’t deny.

Lance and Jack are in the office late, as Jack puts his hand over Lance’s and guides his mouse.

You know, it could be like this always. Especially if I get an office with a door.

Focus tight on Lance and Jack in the copy room.

LANCE (whispering)
This thing, if it grabs a hold of us in the wrong place, we could lose our health insurance.

Pull away to see Jack sitting on the copier, with his pants around his ankles. Lance presses the copy button.

Back in Lance’s breakfast nook, Margo confronts Lance.

You don’t go into the office to write bullets!

You don’t understand nothing about it, PowerPoint is very confusing!

Lance and Jack stand in CEO Diddler’s office. Diddler looks coyly over the top of his glasses while holding a piece of paper.

I say, you boys sure found an interesting way to make copies.

In Jack’s office, Jack is packing up a box of his things. Lance stands in his cubicle entrance.

JACK (tearful)
I may be quitting this job, but I wish I knew how to quit you.

From the director of Priscella, Queen of the Desert, and producer Tom Cruise, comes the story of two men...

Jack clutches a dry cleaning bag with Lance’s suit in it, crying.

Brought together by clip art.

Lance stands in meeting room in front of a PowerPoint slide with clip art of fireworks.


In office parks everywhere

Official "I hate freedom" nomination

The fine folks at Wampum are taking nominations for the Koufax Awards, going to the best lefty bloggers on the Internet(s). They have categories for best humor blog, most humorous post, and blog deserving of wider recognition, plus a bunch of other categories that don't concern my rise to fame and blogging fortune.

Since I am a shameless self-promoter, I have already nominated myself, but you can second or third or whatever comes next by going here and saying how much you love blog posts that swear pointlessly and constantly rip off The Onion.

I nominated this as my favorite humor post of the year.

In the words of Bartles & James, thank you for your support.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Terror in the Stacks

TO: All FBI and Homeland Security Agents

RE: Radical Militant Librarians

In our ongoing efforts to delve into the private lives of citizens in order to protect American civil liberties, we have come up against a cunning new foe, the radical militant librarian. These are an especially deadly breed of librarian, well educated, with a wealth of information at their fingertips, a zealous dedication to order, and a fanatic conviction that they know more than you do.

Characteristics include:

Coded language: librarians communicate through a series of numbers that communicate exactly what subject they are speaking about. For instance, "539.7" is code for "Atomic and nuclear physics," "956.9" means "Iraq", and "297" means "Islam." While we have been unable to completely crack this code, we have a team of Navajo Indians working on it.

Funding: librarians have a vast, cryptic funding scheme they refer to as "overdue fines." This system charges library patrons for books they "check out." However, certain pro-radical patrons manipulate this system to keep radical militant librarians well funded, and they expertly launder the money by paying these "fines" with nickels, dimes, and the occasional Susan B. Anthony dollar.

Weaponry: radical militant librarians are armed with a series of covert weapons that are designed to escape detection. Their reading glasses, which librarians are required to own, often have sharp points that can be used to sever arteries. Many often keep these glasses on long, metal chains that double as garrotes. Finally, we have unconfirmed reports that librarians conceal Improvised Explosive Devices in their hair, which they refer to as "buns."

Uniform: like most radical militants, radical militant librarians attempt to blend in with ordinary civilians as a way to hide from military and law enforcement officials. Tell-tale signs include glasses (as mentioned above), plaid skirts, cardigan sweaters, pantyhose, and "sensible" shoes (all the better for sneaking up and using their eyeglass-chain garrotes).

Also be aware of the sexy radical militant librarian variant, identifiable by black nylons with a stripe up the back and a penchant for nibbling on the ends of her glasses.

FINAL NOTE: If you come across a male who claims he is a librarian, immediately take him into custody as it obviously a front.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

CAUTION: Cubicle monkey with Internet connection and too much time on his hands

The warning label generator is precisely why Al Gore created the Internet. Imagine the horror of having to focus on work all day long.

A few Brando originals:

Thanks to one of the folks at Stupid Evil Bastard for the tip.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we marketing to Christians?

10) Hairier, four-legged version of Christ.
9) Love songs about Jesus that wouldn’t sound out of place on the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack.
8) The death penalty.
7) Bill O’Reilly vibrating Christmas falafel.
6) Science textbooks with the science conveniently pre-removed.
5) Dry humping and blue balls.
4) Ed Wood’s Book of Revelations.
3) Confessional booth chastity belts (available in Confessor and Penitent models)
2) New and improved martyr complex.
1) Lying, greed, corruption, hypocrisy, and war.

Monday, December 12, 2005

U.S. Military Launches Major Retail Counteroffensive in War on Christmas

Troops recalled from Iraq to save America from secularism; Rumsfeld promises "shock and nog"

WASHINGTON - The United States military launched a multifront counteroffensive in the War on Christmas, targeting the nation's retail battlefronts in an effort to promote Christmas spirit.

The operation began when the Army's Third Armored Infantry rolled into a Birmingham, Alabama, Wal-Mart at dawn, looking for any signs of Vague Holiday Greetings (VHG).

"We're looking for 'Happy Holidays' signs, wishes of 'Seasons Greetings' from the greeters," said Colonel Jake Marley. "Those are tell-tale signs of secular holiday activity."

After conducting a sweep of the area, the Third Armored found "Merry Christmas" signs being used as placemats in the breakroom. Three employees were rounded up and led away, their wrists bound with high-tensile bands of garland.

Speaking on Meet the Press, Vice President Dick Cheney said he expected little resistance. "Christians make up 104 percent of retail managers," the Vice President said. "Yet they must live under the tyranny of having to say 'Happy Holidays,' instead of reminding shoppers that their orgy of spending was made possible by Jesus's birth.

"Honestly, we expect our forces to be greeted as liberators."

Pockets of stiff resistance were met, however. At a Los Angeles Nordstrom department store, a routine Army Ranger patrol in the cosmetics department turned deadly.

Investigating reports of VHGs, the Ranger unit came across an Improvised Holiday Device near the perfume counter. As the Rangers dismantled it, a cosmetics clerk leapt out, yelled "Happy Holidays," and sprayed one of the soldiers with a cloud of unknown blister agent.

The soldiers opened fire, killing three and wounding several others in the adjacent lady's shoe department. The blister agent was later revealed to be Britney Spear's Fantasy.

Analysts said that it would take more than military action to prepare the retail world to accept Christmas.

"Before the retail world can be made ready for Merry Christmas, the moderates in the retail street must denounce this Holidafascism," said the mustache of New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman. Friedman agreed with the analysis of his facial hair, noting that although "Merry Christmas" could offend America's sizeable Jewish population, "history has taught the Jews that they have nothing to fear by cooperating with the Christian majority."

President Bush vowed to remain resolute during the conflict. "The milk and cookies of freedom are under the Christmas tree of liberty. They provide nourishment to Santa Claus, who in turn reminds us of our Christian heritage."

The President also said he would show the world his dedication to Christmas by leaving his tree and decorations up until at least March.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Official White House Procedure for Non-Apologies

To: All Staff

From: You Know Who

It has come to our attention that certain members of the State Department have come dangerously close to "apologizing" for making "mistakes."

Please note that official White House policy does not tolerate such reckless behavior. Any member of the Administration caught apologizing without express permission of the Vice President and an approved WOOPS-FU28 Form will be subjected to immediate dismissal and/or spanking.

In the unfortunate event that a head of state/undercover journalist/special prosecutor is investigating a “mistake” by this Administration, staff members are required to use the following seven-step response procedure. The recent case of Mr. Khaled Masri, a “guest” of America for five undocumented months, will be used to illustrate how the procedure works.

Allegedly—use this word when repeating an allegation so that it seems less “allegationy.”
Allegedly, Mr. Khaled Masri was abducted by the CIA.

Supposedly—preface any crazy claims of ill treatment with this word.
Supposedly, Mr. Masri was tortured.

Sources said—this sounds much better than saying, "I had a hunch that told me..."
Sources said that Mr. Masri was a terrorist.

However—acknowledge as quickly as possible that, inconceivably, something didn’t quite go according to plan.
However, he only shared the same name as another man who is a terrorist.

On the other hand—immediately demonstrate why any contradictory evidence was irrelevant to your intial hunch.
On the other hand, Mr. Masri is a Muslim.

Logically—use this word to make journalists and investigators feel stupid for not agreeing with you.
Logically, it made sense to assume he was therefore a terrorist.

Except that—finish by admitting the truth, which should create enough confusion so as to not generate any further questions.
Except that he wasn’t, so the matter is now closed.

Remember, instead of apologizing, be sure to use this official White House ASSHOLE Procedure.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: What bowl bids did we receive?

Special expanded final BCS standings edition!

15) The Brownie Bowl, sponsored by FEMA
14) The Third Annual Army-Navy Extended Deployment Bowl
13) The Kissing Cousins (With Tongue) Bowl
12) The Los Angeles Speak English or Die Bowl, sponsored by Hooked on Phonics
11) The I’m Only Doing This to Pay My Way Through College Bowl
10) The Viagra Limp Records Bowl
9) The Indictment Bowl, brought to you by the GOP
8) The What’s a Nice Red State Boy Like You Doing in a Bathhouse Like This Bowl
7) The Halliburton Profiteering Bowl
6) The Of Course We’re Straight Motor City Bowl, sponsored by Ford
5) The Capital One It's Never Too Early For Revolving Debt Bowl
4) The Intelligent Design Bowl, sponsored by your imagination
3) The Fox News Say Merry Christmas, Motherfucker Bowl
2) The Matriculation Bowl (sponsor pending)
1) The Thank God They Went Undefeated So Our Stupid Championship System Wouldn’t Look Even More Stupid Bowl

Friday, December 02, 2005

Bill O’Reilly’s Brain Flees Body

Organ escapes through ear, nearly eaten by Al Roker

Mr. O'Reilly's brain escaped shortly after its host made a comparison between Iraq critics and Hitler supporters.

NEW YORK - In a daring escape made during a live television broadcast, the brain of Fox News analyst and radio host Bill O’Reilly leapt from his head and fled the studio.

O’Reilly, appearing on the Today show with host Katie Couric, discussed President Bush’s recent speech on the War in Iraq. At one point, O’Reilly took issue with critics who wanted the United States to withdraw from Iraq immediately.

“These are the same people before Hitler invaded in World War II that were saying, ‘Ah, he's not such a bad guy.’”

Although cameras caught O’Reilly’s brain in mid-air as it escaped to the studio floor, O’Reilly did not initially realize his brain was missing. He began to suspect something was amiss upon departing for Rockefeller Plaza, when he noticed a whistling in both ears and that he was drooling much more than normal.

Forensic specialist Dr. Jack Killjoy described how the escape was possible. “Mr. O’Reilly, despite being famous for not listening, has exceptionally large ear cavities. This allowed the brain to force its way to his ear and depart the cranium.”

One member of Fox’s The O’Reilly Factor said that she wasn’t surprised.

“He’s been complaining of headaches for a while, ever since he started the War on Christmas stuff,” said the staff member, who wished to remain anonymous. “He thought George Soros and the left-wing smear bloggers had created some kind of ‘migraine ray’ and were using it on him.”

Dr. Killjoy verified that it appeared O’Reilly’s brain had been trying to escape for quite some time. “An MRI revealed some minor contusions on the inside of Mr. O’Reilly’s skull. Judging from the patterns, I would say his brain has been trying to leave since he wrote his novel.”

O’Reilly refused to comment on the case, but said through a spokesman, “While this is a setback, I do not feel that a lack of a brain will impede my work on the The Factor.”

Although Mr. O'Reilly's brain is the highest internal organ to ever attempt such an escape, in September 2001, liberal TV host Alan Colmes did report that his spine had gone missing. It has not yet been found.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Is your partner in democracy going to cut and run?

7 warning signs his steadfast resolve may be hitting the road to Damascus

It wasn’t so long ago that you and your partner in democracy started your relationship. You remember the giddy times you started into each other’s eyes, talking long into the night about your hopes and dreams for civil liberties and parliamentary procedures.

Now every conversation about internal security makes you feel insecure. He looks like he’s suffering every time you talk about suffrage. Your domestic disputes are getting more and more violent, and you even suspect that he’s conducting secret international affairs behind your back.

Are you just being paranoid about being abandoned, or is your intelligence highly reliable? Here are seven ways to tell whether freedom is running its course...or running for the door.

1) Every time you talk about the future, he checks his watch

When you talk terror, does he talk timetables? When he talks about plans for the next couple of years, what pronoun does he use? The more he says you you you, the less likely he means be we we we.

2) He keeps reinforcing that you’re reinforced

Trained battalions. Combat-ready. Something-ization. If he keeps stressing your military might, his military might be getting ready to march.

3) He helps out less and less at home

Does he insist that you do things he used to be eager to do, like rebuild your infrastructure or combat insurgency? He may be sending a message that he wants you to take out your own trash...permanently.

4) He doesn’t want to talk about you in public

Someone mentions your name, he changes the subject. Where he used to visit all the time and make a public display of spending the holidays together, now he only wants to meet in secret and under the table.

5) "It’s not me, it’s my people"

Heard that one lately? That his lack of attention or dwindling commitment is because of "the polls" or "public opinion"? That’s a classic passive/aggressive exit strategy.

Watch how he responds if his people bad mouth you, too. If he won’t stand up for you verbally, chances are he won’t stick around physically.

6) He hasn’t been the same since the elections

Your friends warned you that he was using you to score political points, but he said he would do anything it takes to be with you, regardless of the consequences. But ever since the votes were counted, it seems like you were voted off Agenda Island.

7) You suspect he’s planning an invasion on the side

Once he told you that you were the only country he wanted to liberate. But lately you keep finding clues that he might be "fighting on multiple fronts." Maybe you uncovered some of his hidden intelligence briefs on another country. Or find some of his seamen conducting maneuvers in a foreign port. Remember: anyone that’s willing to penetrate your national borders at the drop of a hat will probably do it again with someone else.

So what should you do if your stand-up guy is standing up to get his coat and hat? If he’s showing more than a couple of these signs, you may want to let this lame duck fly. Breaking up is hard to do, but there’s a fine line between most favored nation and colonial dependency. Better to be free than beg for freedom.

Be sure to make a clean break. Despite all his efforts to push you away, he may insist on being "friends with privileges." That just means he wants to come over and pump your oil whenever he feels like it.