What I've Learned: Harriet Miers

(Aborted Surpreme Court Nominee, 50-something, a bar in Texas)

If Iran, Iraq, and North Korea are the Axis of Evil, then Dick Cheney and Karl Rove are the Double-Sided Dildo of Democracy.

Rove has his hand so far up the President’s ass, even Kermit would have told Jim Henson to ease the fuck up. You don’t see Rick Santorum drafting a constitutional amendment against that.

I used to think Bush was “cool.” Now I think he’s cool like the sun. It’s like I got asked to the prom and had goat’s blood dumped all over me. If I’d had a match handy I’d have burned the whole fucking place down.

I once stuck Laura Bush with a shiv. She didn’t bleed. She just spun her head around 180 degrees and her vocal circuits told me to have a nice day. The lesson: even when they are implausible, trust your instincts.

If I had a gavel dangling between my legs, I wouldn’t be sitting on this stool talking to you, I’d be banging it in court.

Everybody said I wasn’t qualified for the Supreme Court, because I worked for the Texas Lottery. “You just have to pull out the balls with the numbers on them blah blah blah.” Yeah, well Don Rumsfeld has a goddamned job, and all he does is play with his balls, too.

People give Jenna a hard rap because she’s a drunken slut, but really, she’s more of a drunk than a slut. She stands up for what she believes in, even when she can’t stand up.

Barbara, on the other hand...let’s just say it’s always the quiet ones.

So after all the shit happened and the President dumped me like a bag of blow down the Camp David toilet, I got a call from Playboy. Look, I said to them, I don’t care how much fucking money you are going to give me, I have my dignity, and I would never pose for you for less than a million bucks. Turns out it was just a call for a subscription. Too bad, I could have used the dough.

Roe v. Wade? It’s like poker, you gotta play to see my cards. But if it had been Rove’s Mom v. Wade, you’re goddamned right I’m voting for the abortion.

No one tells a Texas Lottery Commissioner when she’s had too much to drink. So hit me again, and put some liquor in it this time.

A CJSD original rip-off production.