Monday, December 19, 2005

Brokeback Cubicle

Open on the halls of an office, row after row of identical cubicles. Focus on a framed inspirational poster that shows two men standing right behind one another, pulling a rope, with the caption “Teamwork.”

Inside an office, CEO JOSEPH P. DIDDLER (Kevin Spacey) looks at two interviewees, LANCE DEL GORDO (Keanu Reeves) and JACK SPLIT (Orlando Bloom).

DIDDLER
I can’t make up my mind between you two fine candidates, so...you’re both hired. I expect you here Monday at 8 a.m. pronto.

Outside the office building, Lance and Jack hi-five each other, holding their hands together for a couple of extra moments.

JACK
Well, since we’re going to be working together, I suggest we start PowerPointing together.

Lance and Jack are in a cubicle, sitting side by side in front of a computer. Lance looks frustrated at his presentation, but Jack guides his mouse, cutting and pasting bullet points.

NARRATOR
It was a friendship...

Lance picks up a stack of papers from his printer, but cuts his finger on the paper. He winces in pain as Jack looks at the cut. Their eyes meet, and Jack moves Lance’s cut finger to his lips.

Jackets are removed, ties are loosened, and tasseled loafers are slipped off. The door to the copy room closes.


NARRATOR
That became a secret.

Lance and Jack are back at Jack's computer.

JACK
Our business is nobody’s business, not even HR’s.

NARRATOR
There are acquisitions we can’t undo.

Lance and Jack are at the company picnic with their wives and kids. They hold each other as they sprint across the finish line in a three-legged race.

NARRATOR
There are minutes of the meeting we have to revise.

Lance is with his wife in their breakfast nook.

MARGO SNOOPS-DEL GORDO
You and Jack are sure going at it hard.

LANCE
He’s just helping me straighten out my big PowerPoint presentation.

NARRATOR
There are mergers we can’t deny.

Lance and Jack are in the office late, as Jack puts his hand over Lance’s and guides his mouse.

JACK
You know, it could be like this always. Especially if I get an office with a door.

Focus tight on Lance and Jack in the copy room.

LANCE (whispering)
This thing, if it grabs a hold of us in the wrong place, we could lose our health insurance.

Pull away to see Jack sitting on the copier, with his pants around his ankles. Lance presses the copy button.

Back in Lance’s breakfast nook, Margo confronts Lance.


MARGO
You don’t go into the office to write bullets!

LANCE
You don’t understand nothing about it, PowerPoint is very confusing!

Lance and Jack stand in CEO Diddler’s office. Diddler looks coyly over the top of his glasses while holding a piece of paper.

DIDDLER
I say, you boys sure found an interesting way to make copies.

In Jack’s office, Jack is packing up a box of his things. Lance stands in his cubicle entrance.

JACK (tearful)
I may be quitting this job, but I wish I knew how to quit you.

NARRATOR
From the director of Priscella, Queen of the Desert, and producer Tom Cruise, comes the story of two men...

Jack clutches a dry cleaning bag with Lance’s suit in it, crying.

NARRATOR
Brought together by clip art.

Lance stands in meeting room in front of a PowerPoint slide with clip art of fireworks.

ON SCREEN
BROKEBACK CUBICLE

In office parks everywhere

4 comments:

Grendel said...

This is terrific!

Brando said...

Not nearly as terrific as a kazoo Christmas!

SER said...

Hilarious!

Pinko Punko said...

Hee.