Friday, December 02, 2005

Bill O’Reilly’s Brain Flees Body

Organ escapes through ear, nearly eaten by Al Roker

Mr. O'Reilly's brain escaped shortly after its host made a comparison between Iraq critics and Hitler supporters.

NEW YORK - In a daring escape made during a live television broadcast, the brain of Fox News analyst and radio host Bill O’Reilly leapt from his head and fled the studio.

O’Reilly, appearing on the Today show with host Katie Couric, discussed President Bush’s recent speech on the War in Iraq. At one point, O’Reilly took issue with critics who wanted the United States to withdraw from Iraq immediately.

“These are the same people before Hitler invaded in World War II that were saying, ‘Ah, he's not such a bad guy.’”

Although cameras caught O’Reilly’s brain in mid-air as it escaped to the studio floor, O’Reilly did not initially realize his brain was missing. He began to suspect something was amiss upon departing for Rockefeller Plaza, when he noticed a whistling in both ears and that he was drooling much more than normal.

Forensic specialist Dr. Jack Killjoy described how the escape was possible. “Mr. O’Reilly, despite being famous for not listening, has exceptionally large ear cavities. This allowed the brain to force its way to his ear and depart the cranium.”

One member of Fox’s The O’Reilly Factor said that she wasn’t surprised.

“He’s been complaining of headaches for a while, ever since he started the War on Christmas stuff,” said the staff member, who wished to remain anonymous. “He thought George Soros and the left-wing smear bloggers had created some kind of ‘migraine ray’ and were using it on him.”

Dr. Killjoy verified that it appeared O’Reilly’s brain had been trying to escape for quite some time. “An MRI revealed some minor contusions on the inside of Mr. O’Reilly’s skull. Judging from the patterns, I would say his brain has been trying to leave since he wrote his novel.”

O’Reilly refused to comment on the case, but said through a spokesman, “While this is a setback, I do not feel that a lack of a brain will impede my work on the The Factor.”

Although Mr. O'Reilly's brain is the highest internal organ to ever attempt such an escape, in September 2001, liberal TV host Alan Colmes did report that his spine had gone missing. It has not yet been found.


Grendel said...

Nice work, sir. Do you think he realy wrote this novel?

Here's from the first Amazon review:

"Wow. This was a real-load-in-the-pants. I'm surprised that anyone would actually publish this. I guess that's a perk when you're on TV. The writing was at about a 12th grade level, which is surprising, considering that O'Reilly speaks like a nine year old child. I think this book would make good reading for inmates in Abu Ghraib."

Brando said...

That review would seem to confirm his authorship! I am pretty sure it's got a lot of creepy, non-family values sex scenes in it, too. This may have been where he used "falafel" in a sexual tone. Either that, or it was in conversations with the Fox staffer who sued him for sexual harassment. Hard to keep track of which act of O'Reilly hypocrisy is which.