To: All Staff
From: You Know Who
It has come to our attention that certain members of the State Department have come dangerously close to "apologizing" for making "mistakes."
Please note that official White House policy does not tolerate such reckless behavior. Any member of the Administration caught apologizing without express permission of the Vice President and an approved WOOPS-FU28 Form will be subjected to immediate dismissal and/or spanking.
In the unfortunate event that a head of state/undercover journalist/special prosecutor is investigating a “mistake” by this Administration, staff members are required to use the following seven-step response procedure. The recent case of Mr. Khaled Masri, a “guest” of America for five undocumented months, will be used to illustrate how the procedure works.
Allegedly—use this word when repeating an allegation so that it seems less “allegationy.”
Allegedly, Mr. Khaled Masri was abducted by the CIA.
Supposedly—preface any crazy claims of ill treatment with this word.
Supposedly, Mr. Masri was tortured.
Sources said—this sounds much better than saying, "I had a hunch that told me..."
Sources said that Mr. Masri was a terrorist.
However—acknowledge as quickly as possible that, inconceivably, something didn’t quite go according to plan.
However, he only shared the same name as another man who is a terrorist.
On the other hand—immediately demonstrate why any contradictory evidence was irrelevant to your intial hunch.
On the other hand, Mr. Masri is a Muslim.
Logically—use this word to make journalists and investigators feel stupid for not agreeing with you.
Logically, it made sense to assume he was therefore a terrorist.
Except that—finish by admitting the truth, which should create enough confusion so as to not generate any further questions.
Except that he wasn’t, so the matter is now closed.
Remember, instead of apologizing, be sure to use this official White House ASSHOLE Procedure.