Thursday, December 15, 2005

Terror in the Stacks

TO: All FBI and Homeland Security Agents

RE: Radical Militant Librarians

In our ongoing efforts to delve into the private lives of citizens in order to protect American civil liberties, we have come up against a cunning new foe, the radical militant librarian. These are an especially deadly breed of librarian, well educated, with a wealth of information at their fingertips, a zealous dedication to order, and a fanatic conviction that they know more than you do.

Characteristics include:

Coded language: librarians communicate through a series of numbers that communicate exactly what subject they are speaking about. For instance, "539.7" is code for "Atomic and nuclear physics," "956.9" means "Iraq", and "297" means "Islam." While we have been unable to completely crack this code, we have a team of Navajo Indians working on it.

Funding: librarians have a vast, cryptic funding scheme they refer to as "overdue fines." This system charges library patrons for books they "check out." However, certain pro-radical patrons manipulate this system to keep radical militant librarians well funded, and they expertly launder the money by paying these "fines" with nickels, dimes, and the occasional Susan B. Anthony dollar.

Weaponry: radical militant librarians are armed with a series of covert weapons that are designed to escape detection. Their reading glasses, which librarians are required to own, often have sharp points that can be used to sever arteries. Many often keep these glasses on long, metal chains that double as garrotes. Finally, we have unconfirmed reports that librarians conceal Improvised Explosive Devices in their hair, which they refer to as "buns."

Uniform: like most radical militants, radical militant librarians attempt to blend in with ordinary civilians as a way to hide from military and law enforcement officials. Tell-tale signs include glasses (as mentioned above), plaid skirts, cardigan sweaters, pantyhose, and "sensible" shoes (all the better for sneaking up and using their eyeglass-chain garrotes).

Also be aware of the sexy radical militant librarian variant, identifiable by black nylons with a stripe up the back and a penchant for nibbling on the ends of her glasses.

FINAL NOTE: If you come across a male who claims he is a librarian, immediately take him into custody as it obviously a front.


Adorable Girlfriend said...


teh l4m3 said...

Ah, you caught me!

Brando said...

I am also pretty sure that all those thick reference books have the pages cut away to hide weapons.

bowie_grrrl said...

Admit nothing! Confess to no one!