Thursday, September 29, 2005
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
For most of the past 3 billion years, I was a large and unspeakably evil asteroid in orbit between Mars and Jupiter. The foul and hellish blackness of my twisted spirit compelled me to torment and destroy all life, but, despite my powerful gravitational field, I was unable to find any victims in the lifeless vacuum of the asteroid belt. I was lost!
Until I found the Jeff Gannon New Beginnings Career School, that is! They set me up with human-like arms, legs, and a torso, and their crack team of cosmetic experts cunningly papered my black and rocky surface with chicken skin, so that, to all appearances, I was simply a middle-aged man who radiated a palpable aura of malignant cruelty and had a head the size of LA county. Now, as a featured anchor on a popular cable news network, I can satisfy my ancient urge to work awful malice by lying my ass off in order to help ensure that hundreds of millions of people will end their days destitute and alone. I couldn’t be happier, and it’s all thanks to Jeff Gannon!
There's much, much more hilarity to be had, in print and via Photoshop. Read the whole thing.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
9) Keeps his Coke can free of stray hairs.
8) Channeled an M. Butterfly complexity to his role as Peppermint Patty.
7) Got a peek inside his legal briefs and were very impressed by his habeas corpus.
6) Fell asleep when he was droning on about case law and accidentally landed on "confirm" button.
5) He's a good Samaritan who always lends a helping hand to his fellow man.
4) Thought he showed a lot of moxie when, no matter how much we begged, he refused to answer any hard questions.
3) Seems like the kind of guy who would ask nicely before seizing control of a woman's reproductive freedom.
2) Unlike the FEMA director, CIA director, cabinet secretaries, attorney general, UN Ambassador, and all the other incompetent, bootlicking, harrumph-giving boobs that keep getting nominated, Roberts seems kinda qualified.
1) It'll hurt a lot less if we just relax and let Bush get it over with.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
The current crisis has its roots in the 1970s, when two major television-production-related-activities occurred. First, there was a rapid proliferation of spin-offs. Responsible programmers followed international safety standards for spin-off refinement, resulting in successful transitions to new shows (e.g. Laverne and Shirley, The Jeffersons). However, due to a spike in demand for recurring characters, broadcasters began producing crude, unrefined spin-offs that wasted creative resources and in some cases seriously endangered the health of viewers (most notably The Ropers, Flo, and Joanie Loves Chachi, which triggered the first television-related security alert in 1982).
More significant was the introduction of cable television. Cable was originally designed as a nude-scene transportation mechanism, running failed R-rated movies ad nauseam. However, it quickly moved from pumping daily reruns of Friday the 13th Part 2 and started siphoning traditional sources of TV programming: news, sports, documentaries and, ominously, original programming. Instead of three suppliers controlling production, 109 rogue broadcasters began doing anything to acquire Nielson points. This triggered a run on creative juices that led to networks rushing low-grade programs to air with little regard for viewer safety.
The next emergency occurred during the previous Bush administration with the debut of America’s Funniest Home Videos. At the time, due to a lack of solid human intelligence in the field, our analysts failed to foresee the near-catastrophic development of programming based on content from viewers. “Battle stations” were ordered and the government began stocking reruns of Cheers to prevent a panic.
Thankfully, the discovery of Must See TV averted disaster. The MSTV products Seinfeld, Friends, and ER provided free, high yield comedy and drama. However, this also produced a false lull as many experts predicted that premium creative juices would remain plentiful and affordable. When Seinfeld inexplicably ceased production in 1998, subsequent efforts to mimic the formula could only produce about 60-65% of the same laugh output (See Tab A: "Why Everyone Doesn’t Love Raymond as Much as Seinfeld"). ER confused viewers by introducing 57 new characters, leading viewers to think the show had actually gone off the air. CSI has temporarily filled the drama gap, but attempts to reproduce that show have met with mixed results (See Tab B: "The Limits of CSI Spin-Off Technology"). Romantic relationships between the characters on Friends repeatedly and blatantly violated the Sexual Tension Act of 1989, more commonly known as the Moonlighting Act, eventually causing the show to be removed from production.
THE CURRENT SITUATION
In 2000, the breakthrough discovery of the Survivor field was prematurely heralded as a fresh, unlimited source of cheap entertainment that could bypass the traditional challenges of refinement and production. This sparked a reality-TV race among the major television powers. While the Survivor field itself remains stable, producers have been unable to find a Survivor-based derivative that doesn’t decay within one season.
Other areas have not yielded any long-term solutions. American Idol is dangerously over-drilling the same area that Star Search did. The Discovery Channel, History Channel, and Learning Channel have likewise exhausted all known sources of documentaries on nature and Hitler. The Home Box Office field, while producing high octane entertainment, remains very expensive to distribute and suffers from a high rate of profanity byproducts. In addition, there are several pressing situations that could result in severe, violent blowback:
- We could face yet another deep recession triggered by public reappearance of Donald Trump’s hair.
- Excessive deregulation of the production of reality TV has produced several new pollutants, most recently Tara Reid.
- We are already T+18 months past critical Jim Belushi mass.
Using our customized BLACKOUT simulator, we have predicted the social consequences of TTVF (Total Television Failure). We have factored in numerous circumstances such as: gun ownership, economic and educational levels, and PTTSB (Proximity to the Super Bowl). The results:
- 57% chance of widespread rioting, with violent civil confrontations over the last DVD copies of Lost and The Sopranos.
- 43% chance of complete ennui. Millions of Americans will simply sit, immobile, in front of blank television sets, unable to go to work or interact with others.
- 17% chance for a dramatic increase in movie attendance. However, the simulator predicted a corresponding 72% chance for widespread rioting after viewers leave these movies.
- 2% chance that peace, productivity, and the collective intelligence of citizenry will increase, which would have incredibly dangerous political consequences.
We immediately recommend implementation of the following actions, taking all covert precautions and ensuring plausible deniability of the government’s involvement:
- Creation of a new channel, TerrorTV. This would provide live feeds from current military operations and/or Arab-owned convenience stores.
- Hybridization of genres. One example would be a political talk/game show called, "Where in the World Is Vice President Cheney?"
- Develop new issue-based situational comedies that, while inane and unfunny, could inflame viewers enough to conceal the lack of entertainment. We have three prototypes in development: "Tax and Spend," "That Homosexual Agenda Show," and "We Gotta Hire a Black Guy."
Finally, if all else fails, we have one final “nuclear option”: we may have to force books on the general population.
The love between a husband and wife from Dooce.
“It’s really hot out here.”
“Then why do you have jeans on?”
“Why are you ending sentences with prepositions?”
“Why do you have jeans on, motherfucker?”
For reference, I'm the motherfucker.
Back with more fresh jerking tonight or tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
The Townhall author, Megan Basham (how appropriate), pretty much decided that only the most vulgar, agenda-driven shows would win because the entertainment industry is just one giant Hate-America Fifth Column. Case in point: her prediction of why Deadwood would win best drama.
It’s amoral, features plenty of nudity and foul language, and depicts white settlers engaging in every kind of reprehensible activity while oppressing an array of innocent minorities--everything the Academy could wish for. It even boasts human-corpse-eating pigs. That plus the fact that nobody watches it makes “Deadwood” a shoe-in.
Of course, as we all know, it was actually the minorities oppressing white folks in the Old West.
Was she right? Is Hollywood corrupting our children via Caucasian-eating pigs on premium cable stations? As WOC points out:
So, Megan ended up correctly predicting two winners out of seven -- proof that Hollywood hates conservatives, the flag, and everything that is good and decent.
Next up, Megan will disucss why The Weather Channel hates George W. Bush.
9) Quit smoking dope and beating wife long enough to sign development deal.
8) Started doing David Puddy impersonation at the salon
7) Paired head for business with head of monkey’s hair.
6) Discovered the ideal career for an opinionated English twat.
5) Used money from the sex tape to pay for college.
4) Was big, fat, and onboxious.
3) It was the Seinfeld convention circuit or ballroom dancing.
2) Found that perfect blend of Paris Hilton and Anna Nicole.
1) Got lost while looking for Cousin Larry.
Monday, September 19, 2005
America must recall the president. That's what this country needs. A good, old-fashioned, California-style recall election! Complete with Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film stars. And just like Schwarzenegger's predecessor here in California, George Bush is now so unpopular, he must defend his job against...Russell Crowe. Because at this point, I want a leader who will throw a phone at somebody. In fact, let's have only phone throwers. Naomi Campbell can be the vice-president!
Now, I kid, but seriously, Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you anymore. There's no more money to spend. You used up all of that. You can't start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people.
Yeah, listen to your mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit card's maxed out, and no one is speaking to you: mission accomplished! Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service. And the oil company. And the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or spaceman?
Now, I know what you're saying. You're saying that there's so many other things that you, as president, could involve yourself in...Please don't. I know, I know, there's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela, and eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote. But, sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man.
Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes.
On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans...Maybe you're just not lucky!
I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So, yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, "Take a hint."
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
“Gosh, what I wouldn’t give to have 'Bill Clinton’s penis' coming out of my mouth,” said Ken Mehlman, chairman of the Republican National Committee. “I wish I was listening to some poor woman describe its shape as the President advanced on her, or discussing what shot out of it onto an intern’s dress. Anything related to his phallus would be music to my ears.”
“No matter what was being talked about, no matter what was happening in the country, you could change the subject with Clinton’s penis,” said Dr. Bill Frist, the Republican Senate Majority Leader. “It was like a magic wand. After what’s happened to President Bush over the Katrina disaster, I wish I could wave Clinton’s penis all over the airwaves right now.”
The genitals of the forty-second president regularly sprang from the headlines during the 1990s. From the pre-election leaking of the Gennifer Flowers scandal, to the up-and-down proceedings of the Paula Jones harassment suit, to the ultimate climax with the Monica Lewinsky imbroglio, Clinton’s penis seemed constantly in the face of the American public.
“It was an exciting time for me,” said Fox News analyst Sean Hannity. “We would spend hours in the production meeting talking about how we were going to handle Clinton’s penis. This is funny, but I really miss it.”
Such a reversal of emotions—from disgust and hatred to longing and desire—are not surprising, says Dr. Melvin Myron, professor of political science at Johns Hopkins University and author of Hard Target: How Clinton’s Penis Ravaged the GOP. “Bill Clinton’s genitals represent a seminal moment for Republicans. Their political fortunes rose with it. They were able to blame everything on it. But once Clinton pulled out of Washington, the Republicans were left with a huge mess on their hands. They discovered that they had, in fact, become Clinton’s penis.”
Post-Clinton, the GOP attempted to make a transition to another prominent Democrat’s genitals. “Ted Kennedy’s have been pretty well used up,” said Mehlman, “and Lieberman’s are too clean cut.” Mehlman adds that the Republicans tried switching genders by targeting California Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi, but had very little success with their “Pelosi’s Vagina” campaign.
Still, despite the headaches that have followed their insertion into the White House, Republicans remain hopeful that a new Democratic penis can be found. “We’re already gearing up for Hillary in 2008,” says Melhman. “We’ve started our focus groups on the ‘Clintoris.’ But really, we’re hoping the Democrats nominate a penis we can all get behind.”
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
9) Got the high score in the blame game.
8) Became mixed up and thought Superdome was immune to everything except kryptonite.
7) Even more unqualified for the job than the big boss.
6) We were portrayed as being uncompassionate about the local rabble.
5) Swirling media controversy coupled with rising public outrage mixed with stagnant response led to a perfect Category Five shitstorm.
4) Would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for you meddling journalists.
3) Rove asked which kind of "fall guy" we'd like to be while dangling us from balcony.
2) Budget cuts didn't allow us to get ark built in time.
1) We resigned? We haven't been informed of that.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Speaking of the incredible force of the hurricane and the government's ignorance about the need for quick action in its aftermath, Bush said that there were many questions that needed to be answered.
"What did I not know and when did I not know it?" he said.
It's funny 'cause it's true.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
In its correction yesterday, the Times said that it regretted the error of identifying Mrs. Smith as the editor’s wife. In fact, the Times has had six months to use the correct label and is playing playing more mind games.
In its correction of two days ago, the Times identified Mrs. Smith as the editor’s ex-wife. Due to an printing error, the full description should have read, “the editor’s vengeful, home-wrecking, pool-boy-shagging ex-wife.”
The Times erred when it said that Mrs. Smith loved her husband. She in fact never loved her husband and only married him to get back at her mother.
Adding to the previous correction, Mrs. Smith was only married for her money.
The article, “The Real Face of Divorce,” identified the editor as a father of two. The story should have said he is only a father of one.
The Times would like to add that Mrs. Smith is a filthy, lying, no-good whore.
Following up on “The Real Face of Divorce,” Mrs. Smith clarifies that the editor must be color-blind, since he didn’t notice the second child’s red hair.
The Times confesses that the paper was a fool for believing Mrs. Smith would never sink so low, and that those walks on the beach or picnics in the park or the surprise trip to Aruba must not have meant anything to her.
Previously, Mrs. Smith was quoted as saying she did not love the editor. She now retracts that statement.
In the aforementioned story, the Times noted there was no hope of reconciliation. That prediction, while still possible, can no longer be labeled as a fact.
The Times omitted a quote from Mrs. Smith saying that in order for there to be any chance of reconciliation, there needs to be some major changes in the division of labor around the house, child rearing approaches, and mating habits. The Times regrets the omission.
The Times accepts the previous correction. The full story, “The Real Face of Divorce,” has been retracted and replaced with a new one, “The Happy Face of Marriage Counseling.”
The Times was also correct in stating that the editor has two children. The earlier correction was just lashing out.
STEWART: Why is he building a dam in Arkansas?
ED HELMS: Because he's going to fight the water there.
I dream of being half this funny.
WASHINGTON, DC—In a move unprecedented in the 2,000-year history of Christianity, Jesus Christ has formally sought to separate from one of his followers: President George W. Bush.
“I know he accepted me as his personal savior, but I can’t take it anymore,” Jesus said. “I don’t think he understands how to really love me, or work in my name, and frankly I’m tired of trying to show him how.” The deity spoke through his father’s press secretary, the Burning Bush (no relation to the president).
The Messiah cited Bush’s response to the Katrina disaster as the final straw. “When he picked up that guitar, that was it. I’ve made it pretty clear: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. When the Samaritan found a man left for dead by robbers, he didn’t sing him a song.
“I even told him to just get me to New Orleans, give me a couple loaves and fishes, and I would do the rest. But he patted me on the head and told me that we shouldn’t give them fishes because they would never learn to fish on their own. I had to double-check that he wasn’t speaking in tongues.”
However, the Son of God quickly pointed out that the hurricane response was only the latest in a long line of differences with the President.
“I kept saying, over and over again, blessed are the peacemakers, George. We all know how that turned out. Then there was the time I reminded him that it would be easier for a camel to enter the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. The next day, he drastically lowered the upper tax bracket. So screw it, he’s on his own for salvation.”
Representatives for the administration have disputed the legal grounds for the Divine Separation, claiming that Bush merely has to accept Jesus Christ into his heart to be saved. “The President has abided by the rules of evangelical conversion,” said Scott McClellan, the White House spokesperson. “Christ should do the honorable thing and reciprocate.”
White House political advisor Karl Rove disputed that Christ had even been speaking to Bush about matters such as Iraq and tax cuts. “I wouldn’t go so far as to call the King of Kings a fibber,” said Rove. “But I’ve been with the President during every important decision of his administration. I guarantee you the only voice he’s heard is mine.”
Conservative commentators were even more blunt. “Look, with all due respect, can we afford after 9/11 to listen to a guy who says we should turn the other cheek?” asked Bill O’Reilly on his show, The O’Reilly Factor. “Why doesn't Christ just paint a big bullseye on America?”
“I have heard from two administration sources that Mary Magdalene was actually a secret employee of MoveOn.org,” wrote columnist Robert Novak in The Weekly Standard. “I’m not suggesting that Jesus is evil, but his words and actions appear to be influenced by those who would harm America.”
Despite the outcry over the separation, the Lord does hope there will be a peaceful settlement. “I’m very open,” said Jesus. “I’ve told him that he’s free to see other saviors, and that he can keep all of his material possessions. I just want out of this relationship.”
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
9) Media's early stories about potential levee breaks were just liberal bias.
8) I tried to run back to Washington as fast as I could, but I had blisters from my new heels.
7) Figured the underprivileged would enjoy the free upgrade to refugee status.
6) I didn’t see the people in the convention center because Katrina’s gales blew my head up my ass.
5) We have very little experience dealing with roving bands of armed individuals in a chaotic urban situation.
4) Look, taking care of the poor, tired, and huddled masses is her job.
3) You try coming up with a coherent evacuation plan after five weeks of vacation.
2) Mistakenly assumed that whites would do the honorable thing and also evacuate their servents.
1) Don't blame me, I learned how to respond to these things from my dad.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what do we have to do to get some government action around here? We’ve got floods. We’ve got starvation. We’ve got gunfire. We’ve got fire fire. I guess the one thing we’re missing is some anthrax.
If we had anthrax, we’d have 150,000 troops here before I could finish my muffuletta. If we had even some mustard gas—the old WWI stuff, not even the new and improved mustard gas—the freaking Delta Force would swoop in and whisk these asshole looters to Cuba or Egypt or some other place that, before Tuesday, looked like a shithole to me instead of a great place to live. Instead, all we got was a song.
And sarin gas? Don't fucking tease me like that. I can only dream of the government action we’d get down here if we had some nerve agent. We might get a rifle brigade on Canal Street and some airlifted MREs. But without even a drop of blister agent, I don’t have a spiderhole to piss in.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: how would a municipality get its hands on some WMD so it could attract the proper federal emergency response? Well, that’s where we really fucked up. We could have gotten intensive, overwhelming government action without owning the actual weapons! All we’d need is a blurry photo of an ice cream truck and a jittery informant and—BOOM—suddenly we’ve got mobile bioweapon labs and an armored escort to the Astrodome. Maybe they'd even let us eat cake.
It’s my fault, really. I was naïve. I always thought that, in the event of a natural catastrophe, or widespread criminal activity, or famine, or disease outbreaks, or all of the above, we’d get a helping hand from Uncle Sam. But now I know: the only way you can get the attention of Washington is if you pretend you can blow it up.