Thursday, October 01, 2009

Walk It Off

Senator Orrin Hatch walks onto an empty football field.

HATCH
All across America, people are asking questions.

Brett Favre appears next to Hatch.

FAVRE
Will freedom make a comeback, or will it finally be forced to retire…permanently?

On a golf course, Senator Mitch McConnell, wearing American flag-patterned golf knickers, tees off.

MCCONNELL
Do we want to stay on the fairway and choose our own approach to good health?

His ball flies and lands in the sand next to golfer Jack Nicklaus.

NICKLAUS
Or do we want the government to leave us to die in the rough?

Senator Chares Grassley stands on an empty baseball diamond built in the middle of a cornfield.

GRASSLEY
The Democrats say that if we build a universal health care system, good things will come.

Roger Clemens comes out of the corn to stand beside Grassley.

CLEMENS
But I know a big, fat lie when I see one.

In front of an oil rig in the middle of a forest, Sarah Palin, dressed in hunting gear, holds an eagle on her arm.

PALIN
Because when it comes to your health, those bureaucrats in Washington want to clip your wings…

Ted Nugent appears next to her, wearing a camoflauge shirt that says, “MILF Hunter.”

NUGENT
And take a big ol’ bite out of the jerky of freedom. (He bites off a mouthful of jerky.)

Senator Jon Kyl stands in a hospital room next to a man with his leg in a cast.

KYL
But you have a choice, a way to feel better, even if you don’t have any health coverage at all.

Coach Mike Ditka appears on the other side of the bed.

DITKA (points at the camera)
Walk it off.

Ditka gets the man out of bed.

MAN WITH BROKEN LEG
Thanks, Coach! (He takes a step and collapses.)

At the scene of a car accident, the injured sit on the ground, bleeding and in pain. Patriotic music begins to play as a man starts singing a soulful song.

SINGER
Hey America, don’t sit there
And wait around for universal health care
You can be like athletes big and small
Just hold onto something so you don’t fall
And walk it off

The accident victims smile and help each other walk away.

In a park, grandparents using walkers stand in line with their grandchildren, who are on crutches, waiting to get into an emergency room.

SINGER
Don’t put grandma and gramps on death row
Because tax revenues no longer grow
And free your kids from this prison
Of cheap, affordable socialism
Walk it off

The grandparents and kids stand up straight and throw the walkers and crutches aside, gaily running from the hospital line.

Close–up of a man’s face as he salutes the flag. The camera begins to pull back as the song plays.

SINGER
Take one step forward and ten steps back
Say “hands off my health, Barack.
“I can stand proud on my own two legs
“And if I can’t, I’ll replace them with pegs.”
Walk it off

At the end, we see him standing on a pair of wooden peg legs, wearing a pirate hat and having a parrot perched on his shoulder.

Senator John McCain appears in front of a waving flag. The music still plays as he speaks.

MCCAIN
My uninsured friends, you don’t know how lucky you are. Those of us with health coverage live in an oppresive world of rules and regulations: staying with doctors in our networks, making co-pays every time we go for a checkup, and even filling out paperwork. Now the government wants to make you go through that ordeal.

Pitcher Curt Schilling, carrying a stapler, hobbles into the frame to join McCain.

SCHILLING
Why put yourselves through that, America, when you can take control of your health care and…

He crouches down and pulls up his pants leg, revealing a blood-soaked sock. He pounds three staples into the sock.

SCHILLING (wincing with each staple)
Walk. It. Off.

A city street fills with sick people: coughing, sneezing, in casts, in wheelchairs, pushing IV drips, clutching their chests in pain.

SINGER
Walk it off
Walk it off
Wait it off, off, off
Oh, Lord, Walk it off

With each line, they get better and begin marching in unison, and shout "Walk it off" after each symptom and disease.

SINGER
Sprains and scrapes
Walk it off!
Breaks and bruises
Walk it off!
Diabetes and heart disease
Walk it off!
Cancer and lupus
Walk it off!

A big group of athletes, wearing their uniforms, stand side-by-side with Republican leaders as the singer stops but the music still plays.

SEN. HATCH
You may not have health insurance

SEN. GRASSLEY
But you’ve got our reassurance

SEN. MCCAIN
That we’ll protect your right

SARAH PALIN
To just walk it off.

The music fades as an announcer speaks…

ANNOUNCER
Paid for by Americans Standing Strong for Healthy Optimism and Leaving Everything the Same.

9 comments:

Mendacious D said...

Paid for by Americans Standing Strong for Healthy Optimism and Leaving Everything the Same.

That's one of those bipartisan PACs, isn't it?

Well-done, as always.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Farve?

Groan.

Trevor Jackson said...

This is the best thing I'm going to read today.

Jennifer said...

Nice.

fish said...

Reminds me of the only commercial I ever liked Peyton Manning in, when he burns the guy with the expresso machine and then tells him to rub a little dirt on it.

Brando said...

Ha, fish, I forgot about that commercial. It was pretty funny.

almostinfamous said...

“I can stand proud on my own two legs
“And if I can’t, I’ll replace them with pegs.”
Walk it off


Killed it right there!

Kathleen said...

Reminds me of the only commercial I ever liked Peyton Manning in

oh come on, that one with him and Eli where they're making breakfast and Eli drops the eggs, and then Peyton audibles to pancakes? GENIUS.

I say "audible to pancakes" all the time.

living with me is ao awesome.

Grendel said...

Awesome