1-900-ABSTAIN

FEMALE VOICE OVER (sultry)
Are you a Christian guy looking for some young, attractive, girls who just want to talk? Do you want to have some good, clean fun right from the comfort of your own home? Then call 1-900-ABSTAIN.

A GUY calls GIRL on the phone. She’s in the kitchen.

GUY
Hi, what’s your name?

GIRL
I’m Betty. What’s yours, cutie?

GUY
Levi

GIRL #1
Oooh, I love guys with Biblical names.

FEMALE VO
1-800-ABSTAIN connects you with the hottest non-action anywhere, letting you talk to girls who will indulge all of your hottest non-sexual fantasies.

LEVI
So what are you doing?

BETTY (putting a pie in the oven)
Baking a pie.

LEVI (pulling at collar)
Oh, I love pie. What kind?

BETTY
Cherry, of course!

FEMALE VO
All of our girls are saving themselves for marriage and won’t give in no matter how hard you tempt them.

BETTY
Now it’s your turn, what’s your favorite Bible story?

LEVI (lowering voice)
Definitely David and Bethsheba.

BETTY
Levi, you’re so naughty. Someone might smite you for that.

LEVI
Oh, I need a smiting. I’m downright wicked.

FEMALE VO
And with 1-900-ABSTAIN, you’re not limited to just one girl. Bring another girl on the line to double your fun.

BETTY (slicing the pie)
Oh, my girlfriend Veronica just showed up.

VERONICA
Hi there.

LEVI
Hi.

BETTY
Veronica, would you like a slice of my cherry pie? It’s a little warm, though.

VERONICA
That’s okay, I love warm pie.

LEVI (wiping brow)
I like it warm, too…with whipped cream on top.

VERONICA
Ooh, good idea. Let me just shake this up…(sound of whip cream spraying).

BETTY (laughing)
Veronica! You’re spraying whipped cream all over my pie!

VERONICA (laughing)
Sorry, sometimes I can't control myself. (Taking a bite) Oh my gosh, this tastes so good. It’s so sweet and warm.

BETTY
You got some on your lips.

VERONICA (licks her lips)
Mmmm, did I lick it all off?

LEVI (falls out of his chair)
Oooohhhh.

BETTY
Are you okay, Levi?

LEVI
Yeah, I gotta go. Nice talking with you.

VERONICA
Take care of yourself , Levi.

LEVI
Don’t do anything we wouldn’t do.

BETTY
Or we’ll both have to smite you.

FEMALE VO
So what are you waiting for? Call 1-900-ABSTAIN for non-stop pure fun with Christian girls who don’t beat around the bush when it comes to abstinence.


$4.95 for the first minute, $1.95 for each additional minute. In case of arousal consult Genesis 38: 8-10. Not responsible for any unintended erections, blue balls, eternal damnation or divine retribution. This service brought to you by Citizens Hoping Youth Abstain from Rutting, Intercourse, Groping, Humping and Temptation.

Liberus

On a golf course, a man lines up a short putt. He hits the ball too hard, however, and it lips out of the hole.

MAN (shaking fist)
Obama!

At a restaurant, the Man sits at a table with other diners. One of them finishes a joke as the man takes a bite of food.

DINER
“…and the guy says, ‘That’s not my dog, you idiot, that’s my wife!”

The Man laughs but immediately starts choking uncontrollably. The Diner gets behind him and gives him a Heimlich maneuver, dislodging a bit of food.

DINER
Are you okay?

MAN (gasping)
Obama!

In the bedroom, the Man lies with his Wife.

WIFE
It’s okay, honey, it happens. We can just cuddle tonight.

MAN (making a fist and whispering)
Obama!

A DOCTOR appears.

DOCTOR
Do you or anyone you love have an uncontrollable hatred of President Obama? Do you find yourself blaming the president for every and any problem in your life?

If so, you may be suffering from Chronic Obsessive Obama Transference Syndrome, a serious medical condition that affects millions of Americans. While COOTS is most prevalent among the elderly, it can strike young and old, of either gender and any race.

But now you have a chance to overcome your COOTS with new Liberus.

A montage shows the man yelling at his elected official, carrying a sign that says “No Death Panels”, and weeping while watching Glenn Beck.

DOCTOR (voice over)
Liberus is a powerful new medicine that can relieve the worst symptoms of COOTS: the huffing, puffing, marches on Washington, marches on city hall, disrupting town halls, disputing birth certificates, uncontrollable filibustering, and bedwetting.

On screen, a picture of a brain shows angry red arrows being transformed into soft blue arrows that enter the nervous system.

DOCTOR
Liberus stimulates the relaxation centers of your brain, the portions that control heart rate, breathing, and rectal clenching, while blocking the neurons that cause shouting, finger pointing, and apocalyptic predictions.

Another montage plays while the warning message is spoken: The Man having a polite conversation with his representative, the Man raising his hand to speak at a townhall meeting, and the man laughing as he watches The Colbert Report.

VOICEOVER (read quickly).
Warning: Liberus is not for everyone. Side effects may include an increase empathy for the less fortunate, trust in the scientific process, trust of official government documents, a decreased interest in carrying firearms in public, and Palin repulsion. Republican members of Congress who take Liberus may suffer a severe loss of talking points; this is normal and will be replaced by a surge in bipartisanship. Taking Liberus while watching Fox News may cause bouts of cognitive dissonance which can be relieved through sarcasm and drinking games. If you currently suffer from cranial-anal insertion, talk to your doctor before taking Liberus, as he may want to return your head to its original upright position before starting treatment.

DOCTOR
To take back control of your anger, your saliva glands, and your life. Take Liberus.

In their bedroom, the Man and his Wife sit watching TV.

WIFE
Honey, do you want to watch Sean Hannity? I think Ann Coulter and Charles Krauthammer are on.

The Man grabs the remote and turns off the TV as he pulls the Wife toward him.

WIFE
Oh, honey, what’s gotten into you?

MAN (looking at the camera and winking)
Liberus!

Beelzebulbs

At a funeral home, three people gather around a coffin. They all wear black, the coffin is black, and black candles light the room.

MOURNER #1
It’s such a shame. He was so young and full of evil. No matter how good things were going, he’d always find a bad side. It was inspiring.

MOURNER #2
I know. I can’t believe he’s gone. We were supposed to go see Slayer next week.

MOUNER #3 (puts his arms around the other two)
I know this is hard for both of you to understand, but he’s in a better place now. He’s with our lord, Satan.

A fourth mourner enters the room carrying a cross made of white roses.

MOURNER #3
What the hell is that?

MOURNER #4
Hey, sorry guys, this was all I could get at the flower shop. I thought we could turn it upside down.

MOURNER #2
Yeah, but white roses?

MOURNER #4 (pulls out can of spray paint and shrugs)
We could paint them black.

A SPOKESMAN appears in a cloud of black smoke. He wears a black cape and has a shaved head with a long, jet-black beard.

SPOKESMAN
Tired of being forced to pick out flowers from some Judeo-Christian florist?

MOURNERS (together)
Yeah!

SPOKESMAN
Than come to Beezebulbs, the only florist dedicated to Satan.

The Spokesman waves his arm and disappears in a cloud of smoke, reappearing at the store. Beezebulbs is lit by black lights and full of dark, twisted, menacing plants. Behind the counter are large black velvet posters of album covers by Black Sabbath, Dio, and Styper, which is turned upside-down. A sign next to the register reads, “Shoplifters will be sacrificed.”

SPOKESMAN
At Beezebulbs, you’ll find flowers and plants for every occasion, helping you deliver an extra bit of darkness to that special Satanist in your life, at prices that kill our competition. Check out this week’s specials….

A puff of smoke explodes as a tiny black cactus plant appears on screen, stuffed in a skull-shaped pot and with a goat’s-head rattle sticking out of it.

SPOKESMAN (voice over)
Celebrate the arrival of a new prince or princess of darkness with our Spawn of Satan package, complete with rattle.

After another puff of smoke, a new plant appears: a mix of bloodroot and nettles, stuffed in a caldron-shaped pot, with an open blank book next to it.

SPOKESMAN (vo)
Or commemorate your child’s development with our special Baby’s First Incantation plant, with complimentary spell book and one free vial of human blood for ink!

Another puff of smoke and a large Venus Fly Trap appears, with a Mylar balloon showing a flying devil holding a “Get Well Soon” sign.

SPOKESMAN (vo)
Need to spread a little malevolence to a sick friend? Send them our special Sick Mother Venus Fly Trap plant, with attached Lil’ Devil balloon. Watching insects being caught and slowly dissolved will surely cheer them up.

A puff of smoke, and a delivery man materializes, wearing a devil costume and bringing a dozen black roses to a woman at work. He hands them to her, the vase showing a snake curled around an apple tree.

SPOKESMAN (vo)
And nothing says, “Happy Anniversary!” like our Black Heart Rose arrangement, with our trademark Original Sin vase. Plus you get free delivery and a free love potion to make your special night a hell of a good time!

The Spokesman appears back at the funeral parlor, carrying a pentagram of roses with a ribbon that says, “Go to Hell, Johnny.”

MOURNER #1 (tearing up)
Now that’s just beautiful.

The store info appears, with a logo showing a bouquet of devil heads.

VOICE OVER
Beezelbulbs, The Best Damned Flower Shop in the World. Located off I-66 at exit 6, between the cemetery and Starbucks. Open six days a week from sundown to sunrise.

Walk It Off

Senator Orrin Hatch walks onto an empty football field.

HATCH
All across America, people are asking questions.

Brett Favre appears next to Hatch.

FAVRE
Will freedom make a comeback, or will it finally be forced to retire…permanently?

On a golf course, Senator Mitch McConnell, wearing American flag-patterned golf knickers, tees off.

MCCONNELL
Do we want to stay on the fairway and choose our own approach to good health?

His ball flies and lands in the sand next to golfer Jack Nicklaus.

NICKLAUS
Or do we want the government to leave us to die in the rough?

Senator Chares Grassley stands on an empty baseball diamond built in the middle of a cornfield.

GRASSLEY
The Democrats say that if we build a universal health care system, good things will come.

Roger Clemens comes out of the corn to stand beside Grassley.

CLEMENS
But I know a big, fat lie when I see one.

In front of an oil rig in the middle of a forest, Sarah Palin, dressed in hunting gear, holds an eagle on her arm.

PALIN
Because when it comes to your health, those bureaucrats in Washington want to clip your wings…

Ted Nugent appears next to her, wearing a camoflauge shirt that says, “MILF Hunter.”

NUGENT
And take a big ol’ bite out of the jerky of freedom. (He bites off a mouthful of jerky.)

Senator Jon Kyl stands in a hospital room next to a man with his leg in a cast.

KYL
But you have a choice, a way to feel better, even if you don’t have any health coverage at all.

Coach Mike Ditka appears on the other side of the bed.

DITKA (points at the camera)
Walk it off.

Ditka gets the man out of bed.

MAN WITH BROKEN LEG
Thanks, Coach! (He takes a step and collapses.)

At the scene of a car accident, the injured sit on the ground, bleeding and in pain. Patriotic music begins to play as a man starts singing a soulful song.

SINGER
Hey America, don’t sit there
And wait around for universal health care
You can be like athletes big and small
Just hold onto something so you don’t fall
And walk it off

The accident victims smile and help each other walk away.

In a park, grandparents using walkers stand in line with their grandchildren, who are on crutches, waiting to get into an emergency room.

SINGER
Don’t put grandma and gramps on death row
Because tax revenues no longer grow
And free your kids from this prison
Of cheap, affordable socialism
Walk it off

The grandparents and kids stand up straight and throw the walkers and crutches aside, gaily running from the hospital line.

Close–up of a man’s face as he salutes the flag. The camera begins to pull back as the song plays.

SINGER
Take one step forward and ten steps back
Say “hands off my health, Barack.
“I can stand proud on my own two legs
“And if I can’t, I’ll replace them with pegs.”
Walk it off

At the end, we see him standing on a pair of wooden peg legs, wearing a pirate hat and having a parrot perched on his shoulder.

Senator John McCain appears in front of a waving flag. The music still plays as he speaks.

MCCAIN
My uninsured friends, you don’t know how lucky you are. Those of us with health coverage live in an oppresive world of rules and regulations: staying with doctors in our networks, making co-pays every time we go for a checkup, and even filling out paperwork. Now the government wants to make you go through that ordeal.

Pitcher Curt Schilling, carrying a stapler, hobbles into the frame to join McCain.

SCHILLING
Why put yourselves through that, America, when you can take control of your health care and…

He crouches down and pulls up his pants leg, revealing a blood-soaked sock. He pounds three staples into the sock.

SCHILLING (wincing with each staple)
Walk. It. Off.

A city street fills with sick people: coughing, sneezing, in casts, in wheelchairs, pushing IV drips, clutching their chests in pain.

SINGER
Walk it off
Walk it off
Wait it off, off, off
Oh, Lord, Walk it off

With each line, they get better and begin marching in unison, and shout "Walk it off" after each symptom and disease.

SINGER
Sprains and scrapes
Walk it off!
Breaks and bruises
Walk it off!
Diabetes and heart disease
Walk it off!
Cancer and lupus
Walk it off!

A big group of athletes, wearing their uniforms, stand side-by-side with Republican leaders as the singer stops but the music still plays.

SEN. HATCH
You may not have health insurance

SEN. GRASSLEY
But you’ve got our reassurance

SEN. MCCAIN
That we’ll protect your right

SARAH PALIN
To just walk it off.

The music fades as an announcer speaks…

ANNOUNCER
Paid for by Americans Standing Strong for Healthy Optimism and Leaving Everything the Same.

Piemold Election Solutions

Inside a room labeled “Campaign Headquarters,” and OLD MAN sits with his FEMALE RUNNING MATE, looking at an electoral map covered in blue. The CAMPAIGN MANAGER reviews the results with the Old Man.

CAMPAIGN MANAGER
So, unless we find another 105 electoral votes, we don’t have a prayer.

FEMALE RUNNING MATE (clapping)
Oh, hey, we always have prayer! Look: “Dear Jesus, please let us win instead of that awful socialist Muslim.”

OLD MAN
Prayer’s not going to make those levers magically pull themselves, sweet cheeks. We need a miracle.

A SPOKESMAN appears on the screen.

SPOKESMAN
You’ve traversed dozens of states, made thousands of speeches, and spent millions of dollars, only to see all your hard work undone by voters. What’s a candidate to do?

Simple. Call Piemold Election Solutions today. At Piemold, we offer a suite of election services and voting products that can turn your bitter defeat into a landslide victory.

A shiny voting machine appears on screen.

SPOKESPERSON
Right now, we’re offering low-financing and no payments until January 2009 on The Executive 3000—guaranteed to put you in the Oval Office or your money back.

A gold voting machine appears on screen.

SPOKESPERSON
Or step up to the Capitol XL. The Capitol XL is the only voting machine to feature a dual manipulation mechanism to perpetuate or block a supermajority in Congress. The choice is yours!

CUT TO:
A Piemold consultant discussing options with a client, who opens a briefcase full of money and slides it across the table.

SPOKESPERSON
And at Piemold, we believe that electronic voter enhancement isn’t complete without the human touch. That’s why our experienced electoral management consultants work with you every step of the way, to design the election results you want. From the surprise comeback to the electoral mandate, we can tailor an election outcome that meets your needs.

Listen to what an actual customer has to say about Piemold

CUT TO:
A figure in a suit with his face blacked out.

CUSTOMER
I used Piemold twice, and the results were just phenomenable. They’re so good, I’m gonna use them to make me the next American Idol when my term's up, heh-heh-heh.

CUT TO:
The election night party at Campaign Headquarters. The Old Man stands among next to his Female Running Mate, in front of a cheering throng and a sign that says, “Congratulations!”

FEMALE RUNNING MATE
Golly, Senator, we did get that miracle! I told you Jesus listens to me.

OLD MAN
That’s Mr. President, sweetheart. (Looks into the camera and whispers) And that was no miracle. It was Piemold. (He winks)

SPOKESPERSON
Democracy is too important to be left to chance. Call Piemold today and get the election results you deserve.

Mobil H

A DRIVER guides his Hummer down the street. He passes gas station after gas station and sees the prices: $4.19, $4.39, $4.59. He shakes his head.

NARRATOR
The high price of gas has hit all of us hard. Rising prices not only cost us money, they cost us peace of mind.

The Driver sees the green Mobil sign showing “Mobil H - $15.99.” He smiles widely.

NARRATOR
That’s why Mobil is doing something to bring you the relief you need.

“Lust for Life” by Iggy Pop starts playing.

The Driver jerks the wheel and cuts across two lanes of traffic, drives over a curb, and hits a trash can before stopping in front of the pump. He jumps out and grabs the pump, which has a rubber hose and a needle dangling from it. The Driver wraps the hose around his upper arm, holding one end in his teeth, and guides the needle into his forearm. His face sweats and his hands shake as he guides the nozzle into the tank and starts pumping gas.

NARRATOR
Introducing Mobil H, the first gasoline that gives you something back.

The Driver pulls the rubber hose loose and smiles, falling back into the side of his SUV.

NARRATOR
With each gallon of gas that flows into your tank, sweet relief flows into your veins.

On the gas pump, the price keeps going up, going to $100, $200, $300, and $400.

NARRATOR
And with the more you pump....

The driver gives the pump a few squeezes as he tops off the tank, tenses and releases with orgasmic pleasure, until the price reaches $500.

NARRATOR
The better you’ll feel.

The Driver gets back in his car, driving with half-closed eyes as he nearly hits a dog, a bicyclist, and some kids crossing the street.

NARRATOR
High gas prices may never go away...

The music stops as The Driver pulls into his garage, next to another car. He puts it in park and stays in his seat for a second.

NARRATOR
But we don’t want that to keep you from coming back.

“Lust for Life” plays again as The Driver gets out of his SUV and into his other SUV, peeling out in reverse, flipping the front onto the street, and flooring it back toward the Mobil station.

NARRATOR
Mobil H. Available in regular, premium, and madman.

Smar-T: The Global Clue Positioning System

In a luxurious car, a female investment banker and a male investment banker talk.

MALE BANKER
Wow, I can’t believe you’re really going to quit investment banking.

FEMALE BANKER
The money and security are great, but I want to pursue my dream of going to grad school to study poetry.

A small device on the female banker’s desk lights up and rings.

MALE BANKER
What’s that?

FEMALE BANKER (reaching for the device)
It’s Smar-T, my new GCPS.

MALE BANKER
GCPS?

FEMALE BANKER
Global Clue Positioning System. (She turns on the Smar-T)

SMAR-T (in calm female voice)
Warning! Poverty approaching. Foreclosure, reposession, and student loan default imminent. Final destination: despairing obscurity.

FEMALE BANKER
You know, I could just write my poetry in between mergers. Thanks, Smar-T!

VOICE OVER
Smar-T is the revolutionary new device that gives you direction when you reach the crossroads of life. It delivers the clues you need when you need them most.

Inside a bar, two men, Frank and Benny, talk over beers.

FRANK
So I took your advice, even though Smar-T said not to. I told her I couldn’t deal with sneaking around any more and that she should tell her husband.

BENNY
Hey, you gonna trust your buddy Benny or some stupid piece of plastic? (They clink bottles.) So what does the husband do?

FRANK
He’s a Green Beret.

Frank’s Smar-T beeps.

SMART-T
Caution! Take immediate evasive action.

The door of the bar bursts open. A large man, dressed in full camo gear, scans the tavern.

CAMO MAN
Which one of you is Frank?

Frank extends his arm over Benny’s head and points to his friend. Camo Man grabs Benny and pulls him off the stool. Off camera, Benny starts to shriek.

FRANK
Thanks, Smar-T. I’ll never turn you off again.

VOICE OVER
Smar-T combines the collective wisdom of the greatest thinkers in human history, including: the Torah, the New Testament, the I-Ching, Poor Richard’s Almanac, Wikipedia, Woody Allen, Bill Cosby, Vulcans from every Star Trek intellectual property, everything your mother ever told you, Winston Churchill, and Oprah. Use it for advice on parenting....

A mother and father talk.

MOTHER
How can we be open about sex with the kids without encouraging them to have sex?

SMAR-T
Suggestion: Intersperse discussion with graphic details of sexually transmitted diseases.

FATHER
I like it. Thanks, Smar-T.

SMAR-T
Downloading gonorrhea slides now.

VOICE OVER
finances...

A broker talks on the phone.

BROKER
Yes, I said take all of it out of Bear Stearns and put into JP Morgan. Trust me, a little birdie told me so.

SMAR-T
Insider information complete. Contacting nearest Porsche dealer now.

BROKER
Smar-T, you da man! Or da woman.

VOICE OVER
and relationships...

In a pitch black bedroom, a bed squeaks as a man and woman breathe heavily.

MAN (urgent)
Oh baby, oh baby...

WOMAN
Not yet, not yet.

The Smar-T lights up in the darkness.

SMAR-T
Climax unaligned. Think about baseball.

MAN
A hundred years since the last Cubs World Series...A hundred years since the last Cubs World Series.

The woman cries out and the man follows. They turn the light on and lie breathless under the covers.

MAN and WOMAN (in unison)
We love you, Smar-T!

VOICE OVER
Why trust your decisions to the irrational, emotional, erratic impulses of the human brain? Let Smar-T show you the way to better decision making today.

At the Trinity United Church of Christ, Reverend Jeremiah Wright preaches.

WRIGHT
I say, no, no, no, not God Bless America...

On his pulpit, his Smar-T vibrates. He pauses to listen to the message.

SMAR-T (whispering)
YouTube cliff approaching. White backlash ahead. African American presidential hopes fading.

The congregation leans in, silent, waiting for the Reverend’s next words.

WRIGHT (clears throat)
So, I say no, no, no, not God Bless America. God double-bless America! This is the greatest country on Earth! USA! USA! USA!

The congregation chants along with him. In one pew, Barack Obama turns around, holding up a Smar-T.

OBAMA
And it makes a great gift!

VOICE OVER
Get smart and get Smar-T today!


Original concept by Saying Yes Enterprises.

GOP-Harmony

Two men in suits appear on screen. Their faces are blurred.

MAN #1
It’s hard when you’re holding hands with someone at a prayer breakfast and wondering, am I feeling more than the power of Jesus?

Cut to another pair of men, also dressed in suits.

MAN #3
The guys I’d meet randomly would find out I’m a Republican and want to get into it about Bush. I’d tell them, hey, if I wanted to get into bush, I’d be home with my wife.

MAN #2
Yeah, I didn't hire you to be the speaker, I hired you to be the whip!

Cut to the GOP-Harmony spokesman.

SPOKESMAN
At GOP-Harmony, we put you in touch with conservative congressmen, party leaders, and “reporters” looking for someone special for at least 15 minutes. We use 29 distinct items to match you to the perfect liaison.

Some of the categories float by: Denial, Self-Loathing, Committee Memberships, Inseam

Cut back to #3 and #4, holding hands.

MAN #4
It’s not easy to find a man who’s into tax cuts, nation building, and bare-backing. (raises his partner’s hand) But I did!

MAN #3
I'd look like a real hypocrite if I used condoms—I’m chair of the Presidential Commission on Abstinence!

SPOKESMAN
With GOP-Harmony, you don’t have to worry about messy exposés or embarrassing mug shots. We rigorously check out all of our members, weeding out officers, agents, reporters, bloggers….

Cut to another pair of men. One is dressed as Ronald Reagan, the other as Nancy.

REAGAN MAN
Now I never have to ask, “Are you a cop or from The New York Times?”

NANCY MAN
Unless we’re role-playing! (laughs)

SPOKESMAN
And you have our GOP-Harmony Guarantee—none of the men you’ll meet are gay!

Cut back to the first two men.

MAN #2
When people ask me if I’m gay, I ask them, “If I was gay, would I be voting against gay marriage?”

MAN #1
Exactly! I just want to have sex with guys, not a relationship with them.

MAN #2
Thank you, GOP-Harmony!

Cut to the Spokesman.

SPOKESMAN
So what are you waiting for, a subpoena? Go online today to complete your confidential, fully encrypted GOP-Harmony profile. Act now and you’ll also receive our free, full color Congressional Page-a-Day calendar, the perfect way to get up in the morning!

Grand Ol’ Porn

Tired after a long, hard day of pounding your conservative agenda through Congress? Worked up from being videotaped while delivering a passionate tongue-lashing against gay marriage? Or just stressed out from probing the deep cracks in our Judeo-Christian moral foundation? Then kick off your wing-tips and turn to channel 666 to order Grand Ol’ Porn TV.

You’ll see naughty non-missionary action that’s sure to put a little Levitra in your Leviticus, beamed discretely to your office, dressing room, campaign bus, prayer breakfast, or mother's basement. Remember, you can’t fight sin unless you know what you’re fighting.

Hot new releases!

• The Dicks of Haggard
• Ann Coulter’s Hate Speech Hussies
• IM a Curious Fellow Congressman
• Michelle Malkin’s Blowing Hot Air
• Brownback Mountain
• Libbylocks and the Three Bears on Cellblock D
• Trapped Inohofe Closet

Totally unshaved retro action!

• Clarence Thomas’s Banging Gavels
• Wild Bill Donohue’s Horny Hollywood Hebrews
• Debbie Does the Detroit Shock
• Newt's Red Hot Hypocrites

All amateurs!

• Taxcuts Gone Wild (Featuring wealthy men and women and their naughty accountants)
• Covet Thy Neighbor’s Ass

And coming soon!

• At the Pleasure of the President starring Alboner Gonzales