Monday, November 03, 2008

Piemold Election Solutions

Inside a room labeled “Campaign Headquarters,” and OLD MAN sits with his FEMALE RUNNING MATE, looking at an electoral map covered in blue. The CAMPAIGN MANAGER reviews the results with the Old Man.

CAMPAIGN MANAGER
So, unless we find another 105 electoral votes, we don’t have a prayer.

FEMALE RUNNING MATE (clapping)
Oh, hey, we always have prayer! Look: “Dear Jesus, please let us win instead of that awful socialist Muslim.”

OLD MAN
Prayer’s not going to make those levers magically pull themselves, sweet cheeks. We need a miracle.

A SPOKESMAN appears on the screen.

SPOKESMAN
You’ve traversed dozens of states, made thousands of speeches, and spent millions of dollars, only to see all your hard work undone by voters. What’s a candidate to do?

Simple. Call Piemold Election Solutions today. At Piemold, we offer a suite of election services and voting products that can turn your bitter defeat into a landslide victory.

A shiny voting machine appears on screen.

SPOKESPERSON
Right now, we’re offering low-financing and no payments until January 2009 on The Executive 3000—guaranteed to put you in the Oval Office or your money back.

A gold voting machine appears on screen.

SPOKESPERSON
Or step up to the Capitol XL. The Capitol XL is the only voting machine to feature a dual manipulation mechanism to perpetuate or block a supermajority in Congress. The choice is yours!

CUT TO:
A Piemold consultant discussing options with a client, who opens a briefcase full of money and slides it across the table.

SPOKESPERSON
And at Piemold, we believe that electronic voter enhancement isn’t complete without the human touch. That’s why our experienced electoral management consultants work with you every step of the way, to design the election results you want. From the surprise comeback to the electoral mandate, we can tailor an election outcome that meets your needs.

Listen to what an actual customer has to say about Piemold

CUT TO:
A figure in a suit with his face blacked out.


CUSTOMER
I used Piemold twice, and the results were just phenomenable. They’re so good, I’m gonna use them to make me the next American Idol when my term's up, heh-heh-heh.

CUT TO:
The election night party at Campaign Headquarters. The Old Man stands among next to his Female Running Mate, in front of a cheering throng and a sign that says, “Congratulations!”

FEMALE RUNNING MATE
Golly, Senator, we did get that miracle! I told you Jesus listens to me.

OLD MAN
That’s Mr. President, sweetheart. (Looks into the camera and whispers) And that was no miracle. It was Piemold. (He winks)

SPOKESPERSON
Democracy is too important to be left to chance. Call Piemold today and get the election results you deserve.

5 comments:

Bill Stankus said...

Whoa, that's too close to what's possible. (clever clever)

Jennifer said...

I promise to laugh at this after Obama is declared the winner.

Mendacious D said...

It's the best democracy money can buy!

Brando said...

Men D, maybe that's why our democracy has been so shitty -- it's devalued by the weak dollar. We should start buying it in Euros.

Churlita said...

After the first W. "win", this could be absolutely real. I'm laughing very nervously right now.