If you have a baby on the Internets, does it cry in code?
The wonderful Jennifer has blown the Horn of Birth (not to be confused with blowing the Horn of Fertility, which can lead to pregnancy) to convene the First Non-Annual Blog Shower for myself, The Lovely Becky, and TBD.
As of tomorrow, TBD will be very much D. The doctors are inducing TLB, and we should be parents before the sun sets on Thursday. It’s the culmination of a long journey that, truth be told, only stopped sucking seven months ago. But as long as everything goes well tomorrow, none of that will matter. We’re going to be parents and it’s December 24th on our biological calendar.
People ask us if we’re nervous about being parents. The answer is a very honest no. We’re nervous about the birth as anyone with a vague grasp of the concepts of engineering, volume, and friction should be. We’re nervous about having a healthy baby, although the Magic 8-ball has consistently said “all signs point to yes” in that department. After nearly ten years of trying, though, we’re more than ready to add the magic number to our equation.
I also had a recent injection of confidence via Snoop Dogg. In the last issue of Esquire, Snoop participated in the "What I’ve Learned" feature. He talked about raising his two boys and what it’s like to be a parent, and that his oldest was about to enter high school. I didn’t know Snoop had kids, which means I had never heard about Snoop’s kids the way I had, say, heard about The Coreys. Which means that Snoop Dogg managed to have two kids who have stayed out of trouble. Mr. Dogg certainly has help with childrearing, but he is also high all the time. So if Snoop Dogg can have two boys who have avoided the harsh glare of TMZ, I think my chances are okay.
The bigger reason I feel okay about this is because of all the incredible support we have received over the years. Our families have been wonderful, consoling us when things went bust, cheering for us when things finally went well, and now offering to help us make the transition to parenthood. Our bricks-and-mortar friends have been equally solid, listening to more hours of ranting about our reproductive organs than the Supreme Court would allow and soothing us with their calming presence and copious amounts of alcohol. Finally, when TLB and I began blogging, we picked up a new group, our virtual friends, who have also consoled and cheered, even though most have never met us.
All of you have been essential to this process. We could not have stayed sane and remained hopeful without all of that support. So please allow us to raise a virtual glass of punch to toast you.
We would also love to hear any final wit and/or wisdom you have, or whatever else is on your mind. Drop some mad science in the comments section. TLB and I will be in and out of the comments today as well.
And now, please welcome our guest speaker, Dr. Bill Cosby:
The wonderful Jennifer has blown the Horn of Birth (not to be confused with blowing the Horn of Fertility, which can lead to pregnancy) to convene the First Non-Annual Blog Shower for myself, The Lovely Becky, and TBD.
As of tomorrow, TBD will be very much D. The doctors are inducing TLB, and we should be parents before the sun sets on Thursday. It’s the culmination of a long journey that, truth be told, only stopped sucking seven months ago. But as long as everything goes well tomorrow, none of that will matter. We’re going to be parents and it’s December 24th on our biological calendar.
People ask us if we’re nervous about being parents. The answer is a very honest no. We’re nervous about the birth as anyone with a vague grasp of the concepts of engineering, volume, and friction should be. We’re nervous about having a healthy baby, although the Magic 8-ball has consistently said “all signs point to yes” in that department. After nearly ten years of trying, though, we’re more than ready to add the magic number to our equation.
I also had a recent injection of confidence via Snoop Dogg. In the last issue of Esquire, Snoop participated in the "What I’ve Learned" feature. He talked about raising his two boys and what it’s like to be a parent, and that his oldest was about to enter high school. I didn’t know Snoop had kids, which means I had never heard about Snoop’s kids the way I had, say, heard about The Coreys. Which means that Snoop Dogg managed to have two kids who have stayed out of trouble. Mr. Dogg certainly has help with childrearing, but he is also high all the time. So if Snoop Dogg can have two boys who have avoided the harsh glare of TMZ, I think my chances are okay.
The bigger reason I feel okay about this is because of all the incredible support we have received over the years. Our families have been wonderful, consoling us when things went bust, cheering for us when things finally went well, and now offering to help us make the transition to parenthood. Our bricks-and-mortar friends have been equally solid, listening to more hours of ranting about our reproductive organs than the Supreme Court would allow and soothing us with their calming presence and copious amounts of alcohol. Finally, when TLB and I began blogging, we picked up a new group, our virtual friends, who have also consoled and cheered, even though most have never met us.
All of you have been essential to this process. We could not have stayed sane and remained hopeful without all of that support. So please allow us to raise a virtual glass of punch to toast you.
We would also love to hear any final wit and/or wisdom you have, or whatever else is on your mind. Drop some mad science in the comments section. TLB and I will be in and out of the comments today as well.
And now, please welcome our guest speaker, Dr. Bill Cosby:
56 comments:
I thought blowing the Horn of Fertility was a way to avoid pregnancy!
Those Bill Cosby clips were pure heaven with maybe just a smidge of truth... just a little. :)
Brando- I need your address.
haha cosby in all his glory!
brando was looking for an email but cant find it, wanted to foward a video to contribute to the ceaseless humor but will post it here...feel free to repost it if you prefer!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxLYxOW5WtQ
I do not have any wisdom because I have never been a parent.
What I can say is that I remember last July as we sat on the patio of the bar in Chicago and you said the next round of treatments would be your last. I remember thinking -- I am going to wish on the next extended wish for them.
I would aruge that my wishes rarely come true, so it was probably something else.Who knows if that is the reason that TBD is coming today, but I am glad he/she/bird is coming.
Welcome to the world, TBD! You are our first blog baby and we are going to love you no matter what. Even if you take your parents away from us from time to time or you cry late and Mommy and Daddy and we cannot console you and have to be at work the next day by 9 AM. We will still love you.
Welcome Baby! Now give your parents a break -- they need it!
Arden, that video was hilarious. I'm going hyperlink it:
My worst fear of TLB being a mom
Jennifer, I love Bill Cosby's Himself. Still kills me after all these years.
AG, that was completely adorable. Hopefully TBD will listen.
Here is my parenting "wisdom" (haha), FWIW.
~ Hold your baby for at least one nap a day as long as said baby will let you :). This is for YOU.
~ Make sure your baby naps at least once a day in her (I'm still saying girl) bed, not in the swing or your arms. It is brutal to undo the "no nap in bed" habit. This is for her and you.
~ Do your best to help baby learn to fall asleep awake, in their own bed w/o YOUR help. This is for you.
~ Listen to your pedi, but remember that YOU make the final call when it comes to TBD health care. If you are uncomfortable with something, discuss with your DR and decide on a better course.
~ Remember that the hard days won't last forever. This to shall pass...
Kelly
Okay, all of Kelly's advice made me melancholy and sort of sad. All of it is so true.
So, let me switch gears for a second.
If TBD turns out to be a "spitter-upper," do not, repeat, do not, after feeding him/her a bottle at 3am, hold him/her high above your head, gooing and gahing at him her.
Because him/her might just throw up right in your mouth.
True story.
Get as much "head whiff" as you can!!! It slowly fades and doesn't last forever. There's nothing more calming and wonderful than BHW (baby head whiff).
As for baby pukes, I'll never forget when the eldest lamblet did a projectile vomit while near me... it covered me from collar bone to knees and Grizzled took her from me and said she needed to be washed off... I consider that time a true parental baptism.
Can't wait to hear all of the wonderful details of TBD! Name, length, weight, all of the good stuff! Congrats to the awesome parents!!
Having two younger siblings, I can second that recommendation.
We're pullin' for ya!
There was a riotous bout of projectile vomit at our baby shower. One of our friends was holding the baby of another friend, and the baby just sprayed him with orange mashed carrot vomit. It looked like one of those Hollywood ones where they have the hose hidden behind someone's cheek.
TLB will be along later -- she's running a couple last errands and getting a massage.
Re the whole spit up thing.
At first, you are extremely diligent about cleaning yourself up after a spit up. But, time goes by, and you become exhausted and you just don't feel -- if you even think of it after awhile -- of yet again wiping off the shoulders of your shirt.
And you'll go out in public with spit up on you without even giving it a second thought. You just forget about it in your baby haze.
Blue Kid was a major spitter. And when someone would point out some stain to me, I'd be like, "Yeah? So? You got a problem with that? Wanna fight about it? Do ya? Bring it!"
lol.
I'm glad TLB's out getting a message. That's great.
Because I have two, count 'em, two teenage girls in my house right now, I'll tell you the one thing that has saved us. Be consistent when they're younger. Don't tell them "no" about something unless you really mean it. If you keep going back on what you say, they will get wise to you and make your life hell. Remember, children are smarter than we are AND they haven't had their creativity sucked out of them by a soulless job yet.
Also, the time-out is even more useful during the teen years. It can help stop the drama, by allowing the child to hate you behind a closed door where you don't have to see it.
Take lots and lots of pictures. Everyone always says "they grow so fast" but you don't realize what they mean until you watch them literally grow before your eyes. So, no matter how tired you are and how spit-up covered you may be, take lots of pictures. Because he/she will be bigger tomorrow.
Congratulations to you both.
You guys are going to be incredible parents irrespective of any advice given to you or what you listen to, because you are both such caring and loving people.
This is equally useless advice, but whenever I worry about my own paternal potential as a prospective parent, I look back on basic studies of primate parenting. These included some kinda cruel animal experiments, but the principles are nevertheless valid. As long as you feed TBD when hungry and spend sufficient time holding and gently rocking TBD, you will do the essential minimal baby rearing. Everything else is just bonus points. Dropping TBD: no problem. Honest. You guys are going to be stupendous.
I refer you to the wonder book, Parenting for Primates, for more information:
http://books.google.com/books?id=_aUJo5fafvoC
So the time-out is like reverse peek-a-boo for adults? You don't see the kids, therefore their sulkiness doesn't exist at that moment.
We are also both still suspecting a boy. TLB is convinced of it, and I've come around to think that as well.
Excellent vintage Cosby! And I am very excited for you and TLB. Parenthood is an excellent adventure, and, not coincidentally, will reduce your brain capacity to that of Bill and Ted's. On the plus side, the physical comedy and the butt jokes only get better. Many good wishes from the feral household!
Warning: you may go feral.
Wisdom? Not so much. We were winging it, every step of the way. Young Pilgrim is now thirteen, and hasn't been knocked up yet (I may have misunderstood something there) so we haven't totally failed....
Lou Reed sang (as much as he sings anything) "It's the beginning of the Great Adventure" and that it surely is.
Congratulations on your final success as breeders, and I wish you more joy than you even expect with TBD. Best of luck on the delivery (and it's going to be something neither of you will ever forget; and it's nothing like what you ever imagined, Brando).
Second the notion to take pictures; I have several from YP's younger days spotted around my desk, including adorable pictures of him as a Very Small Child.
I'm sorry I can't manage to send a gift. I'll send as many good wishes, as strongly as I can, and I will use my teeth if necessary.
I am, of course, aware of all internet traditions.
I am, of course, aware of all internet traditions.
If TLB's middle name is Astley, very bad things will happen to BP.
just wanted to say that you two will absolutely ROCK as parents, before my internet cafe computer decides to spit up on me again :(
Oh, and I would totally pick a fight with BG about a spit stain on her shirt.
Yer asking fer it, BG.....
I only know about giving birth and parenting from movies, so during the birth you should:
1) Be detained by some activity that is comical or stressful.
2) Have to hail a cab in a fitful manner while your wife calmly puts her bag in the trunk.
3) Get slapped in the face by your sweaty, birth-giving baby mama.
4) Have the words, "How could you do this to me????" screamed in your face.
5) Faint at the sight of your wife's nether-regions.
6) Wake up and have a cigar.
7) Cry at your accomplishment.
Other than that, just enjoy the moment! From what I hear, my mom had a really easy time birthing me, but I suspect that's just something she keeps saying so I'll have kids of my own. Congrats again!
lol @ Noelle's advice!
Here's some more advice...
When you start introducing new foods, get each "first time" on film. The faces they make are hysterical. It's sort of sad to think you are torturing them on purpose, but, you are. So, take full advantage of it.
"Oooooh, look at that ishy squishy baby face! What? You don't like pureed peas mixed with grapefruit juice? Poor widdle beebee...."
Speaking of food, there was a very nice study showing that the whole concept of introducing them to super bland foods like rice cereals is total malarky. They will eat whatever you like to eat, and that includes spicy. I was weaned on very spicy Schezuan food. I'm thinking that TBD might really go for Indian....
I was kidding about mixing anything with grapefruit juice. That would be mean, not funny. Plus, beebees shouldn't drink grapefruit juice. I feel guilty about writing that. lol.
BP, I *love* that song by Mr. Reed. I'm listening to it right now.
Sylvia...
Noelle has totally given me my next screenplay idea. ;-)
I am also hoping that my parenting skills at least rise to chimp levels.
If we introduce TBD to spicy foods, it's going to be Mexican and Cajun.
Was BG asking for it because she said TLB was getting a message??
Don't feel the need to save everything even though you may have the urge to save everything. To this day, I'm still grateful I dropped the umbilical (at first I typed "umbiblical...) stub and that my dog ate it.
Do take lots of pictures though and write things down... especially the things you think you'll never forget because they do so many things you'll never forget that you start to forget... I think, unless I forgot.
BRANDO!!! YOU'RE ALMOST A FATHER!!!! TLB!!! YOU'RE ALMOST A MOTHER!!! Although it's more real for TLB, having been the baby motel for the past few months.
WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jennifer, it's funny you mention what you forget. I talked to my mom today, and she "forgot" that she had delivered my sister naturally, until she found my sister's baby book and saw that she had written that down.
I guarantee that if I ever had the experience of passing the Biblical camel through the eye of a needle, I wouldn't need to write it down to remember it.
I guarantee that if I ever had the experience of passing the Biblical camel through the eye of a needle, I wouldn't need to write it down to remember it.
You might try to forget. :)
I know you are very very busy with TBD's birth, but if you should happen to see any single and Jewish doctors lurking about: please help a sister out!
I hope everything is going OK!
Thanks all for the great advice! Arden I love the video. I fully plan on turning into slut mom at the first opportunity.
Jesus, I have to shield TBD from mommy before the baby is even born!
Oh, and AG, we live in the UP. Not exactly the promised land. But if we detect any Chosen People characteristics, we will also scan for marital status.
You are both going to make fantastic parents. I couldn't be happier for you.
Here's to hoping you never have an argument about who should change the smelly diaper. I've seen these arguments and they're never pretty.
p.s. Brando, can you send me your email address please? Mine is shannonerin at gmail
Dear TLB,
Before tomorrow, try to focus on all the movements that have become signature moves for TBD in the past months. My daughters each had very different ones. The first one did a butt shake and the second one bent herself into a tight angle with legs straightened out, soles pushing against the wall of her prenatal home. Once they were born, it was so amazing to SEE those moves that had become so familiar to me. Older daughter lying on her stomach and that butt just waved back and forth. Younger daugther, lying on her side in the bassinet, with her legs at a right angle to her body and the soles of her feet pressed against the side ofthe bassinet. (Yes, back in those days, they let us put babies on their tums and on their sides.)
GC says lay down the law, and no Playstation.
Best of luck tomorrow, I hope Brando doesn't faint, and save some afterbirth for Snag. Did fish already say this? [reading]
E-mail is brando.cjsd at yahoo dot com.
I love Your Toddler: Friend or Enemy. It's so with us or against us.
I also firmly believe in shared parental responsibilities. TLB will control the means of production for at least the first few weeks, so the least I can do is help dispose of the byproducts of said production.
And there will be no Twitter. I am barely competent in Facebook. I can't keep up with all these new fangled Internets inventions.
This may be surprising, but TLB and I are in complete agreement on keeping the kids away from videogames. I'll be getting my fix on the down low, sneaking games in like I'm smoking crack.
I also don't plan on passing out. I'm not A-Rod.
Thanks Karla. I think the butt wiggle is well-established by now. I'll be on the lookout for that one.
Had to stop by one last time to wish you both a ton of luck and love!
Let us know how it all goes!
xoxo
BG
Everything you need to know about childbirth and caring for a newborn you can learn watching "Young Frankenstein." Seriously.
"Sed-a-give?!"
Not that you're going to have much time for movie watching for a while.
I actually have so many thoughts that I'm sort of blocked. Learn to trust your instincts (over the advice of books, etc.) and lean on each other. After the first week, you'll wonder how you ever thought you needed 8 hours of sleep per night; you'll feel grateful to get 3-4 hours at a stretch.
Huzzay! Congratulations! All best wishes!
Just hope for eight-toes, wings and a beak. Wait, you're mammals, don't hope for that. I'm also not sure why you mammals insist on storing your children somewhere where they can kick you before they're born.
The only advice I have, which no one ever follows, is that if it's a girl name her Drosophila. She'll thank you for it.
Go kid! Breathe, scream, open your eyes!
When are you going to share with us what the possible name will be if boy and what it will be if girl?
Do we have to wait until TBD is here?!
Teases.
Big hug and kiss. We are going to be Aunties and Uncles soon!!
Good luck, all three of you! (TLB, try to relax as much as you can during labor, even if that sounds like impossible advice.)
Remember that, for the first few months anyway, your only job is to feed, care for, and love TBD. All those other pesky parental decisions (TV or no? Baby in bed or no? Whiskey or no?) come much later, after the initial bonding time has passed. Hopefully, that kind of thinking will help keep some of the pressure off. I wasted too many hours convinced that I'd broken the baby; those hours would have been better spent doing logic puzzles or something else to combat the inevitable jelly brain that comes with early parenthood and that leaves with...well, I'll let you know when I hit that milestone.
We've only met a few times, but I know you're going to be fabulous parents. Good luck again!
TLB, you spent all of our college years talking about your child-bearing hips. Today's the day to use them. You go, girl! (You, too, Brando.) Can't wait to hear the news!
My only advice is to keep writing about this stuff. If and when the time comes, I'll print it all out as my Fatherhood Primer.
Today is the day! Woo-hoo!!! We can't wait to hear the good news. Best wishes to all 3 of you.
Is TLB here yet?! Is she? I get to hold HER first. Me first. Me first.
AG is hoping for a girl, but will take anything with 10 fingers and 10 toes and happy.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Best of luck to all concerned.
But Brando, ya gotta blog the results before calling the relatives. Where are your priorities, man?
Boy or girl, good job adding to our 'little liberal army in the woods':
It might be fun to have a kid that I could kick around
a little me to fill up with my thoughts
A little me or he or she to fill up with my dreams
a way of saying life is not a loss
I'd keep the tyke away from school and tutor him myself
keep him from the poison of the crowd
But then again pristine isolation might not be the best idea
it's not good trying to immortalize yourself
Beginning of a great adventure
Beginning of a great adventure
Why stop at one, I might have ten, a regular TV brood
I'd breed a little liberal army in the wood
Just like these redneck lunatics I see at the local bar
with their tribe of mutant inbred piglets with cloven hooves
I'd teach 'em how to plant a bomb, start a fire, play guitar
and if they catch a hunter, shoot him in the nuts
I'd try to be as progressive as I could possibly be
as long as I don't have to try too much
TLB and I say a very big thank you for all the well wishes. We will break the news as soon as we have news to break.
My favorite thing about newborns is the fact that their hands and feet look like they've been screwed on. There's that adorable little "joint" crease.
Also teach TBD to play the bassoon. S/he won't regret it!
Sorry I am a little late to this Brando.
1) Remember that value on the open market for babies drops rapidly after the first year. Decide if you are going to keep it quickly.
2) TLB, there is no dignity in motherhood. The sooner you recognize that fact the happier you will be.
3) The American Pediatric Association is a bunch of tossers and any recommendation that they make should be completely ignored.
4) Start feeding with at least one bottle (from Brando) a day as soon as you can.
5) You don't need anything they sell at Buy Buy Baby.
6) Buy one of these and set it at maximum volume in the crib. It will get you at least 1 extra hour of sleep/day.
7) Don't Panic.
I don't think I have ever been this happy for someone I have never met before...
Best wishes on your upcoming parasite removal. :)
As my husband says about injuries and kids: if the kid is screaming, it'll live. The louder the screaming, the more oxygen they're taking in.
It's when they get really quiet that you need to worry.
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