Bush to the Future

Inside the Oval Office, George W. Bush sits behind the desk, tossing pencils into the ceiling. Dick Cheney sits in another chair, polishing his handgun.

BUSH
This sucks. Everyone hates me. No one listens to me anymore. And now I have to deal with those lousy Dem-o-Craps.

CHENEY (looks down the sight)
You should have handled it my way.

BUSH
I didn’t want to be impeached, Dick.

CHENEY (mimicking Bush)
I didn’t want to get impeached, Dick. You’re such a Clinton.

Outside the window, there’s a flash, an explosion, and a squeal of tires. Footsteps come toward the door, and Karl Rove bursts through, wearing white overalls and goggles.

BUSH
Turd Blossom!

ROVE
Mr. President, I’ve found a way for us to retake power!

CHENEY
Finally!

Cheney rips off his suit to reveal a general’s outfit. He snaps the clip into the pistol.

ROVE
Do you always wear that uniform?

CHENEY
Yeah, why?

ROVE (shakes head)
Never mind. I have a better weapon: a time machine!

BUSH
You mean a clock?

ROVE
No, sir, a machine that allows us to travel back in time.

They follow Rove outside to a Hummer parked in the Rose Garden. It’s covered with tubes, wires, and other machinery.

CHENEY
Have you been drinking again?

ROVE
No, it really works. I just returned from a minute into the future and saw a bird poop on your head.

A splat of bird poop hits Cheney’s forehead. He fires at the sky and a bird falls to the ground.

CHENEY
My God, Rove. We can go back and fix all the things we fucked up with the election. Tell DeLay not to hang out with Abramoff. Or shoot that colored boy before George Allen can call him a macacca.

BUSH
Heh, heh, cacca.

ROVE
I have an even more ambitious plan. We go back to 1940 and get a Republican to beat Franklin Roosevelt. We then set a trap for the Japanese at Pearl Harbor and win World War II! The Republican president will be a god and can use his political capital to erase the New Deal...(lowers voice to a sinister growl) and with it, the Democratic Party!

CHENEY
Brilliant! I’ll take Franklin Roosevelt hunting and, (aims pistol) BOOM, bye bye third term.

Bush is already behind the wheel of the Hummer.

BUSH
I want to drive the time thingee!

CHENEY
Sir, I don’t think that’s such a good idea. You’re, um, needed here.

BUSH
I’m the president and I want to drive!

CHENEY (to himself while aiming at Bush’s head)
I always knew this day would come...

Rove grabs Cheney’s arm and pulls it down.

ROVE
I already have a plan in place.

Rove leans in and punches the time settings. He hands Bush an envelope and a book.

ROVE
Okay, I have you going back to 1940. I’ve written down everything you need to do. You’ll need this book...

BUSH
Aww, a book! This plan sucks!

ROVE
You don’t have to read it. Just follow my instructions. And remember, be very careful what you do. Every alteration of history can have dramatic effects on the future.

Bush accelerates in the car and disappears into a blaze of light.

In the middle of a lot with a series of tin shacks, the Hummer appears. Two men in tattered tuxedoes, top hats, and broken monocles watch drunkenly as the Hummer appears.

GOP BOSS (drunkenly slurring)
By jove, what is that?

GOP HENCHMAN
It’s..it’s some sort of spaceship.

The door of the Hummer opens and Bush steps out in a yellow radioactive suit.

BUSH (robotic)
I come from the future.

GOP BOSS
Great Scott! What year?

BUSH
2006! No, wait...(counts on fingers) 2007!

The Henchman faints while the GOP Boss cowers.

GOP BOSS
What do you want, O time traveler?

BUSH
I’m looking for the headquarters of the Republican Party.

The GOP Boss waves his arms.

GOP BOSS
This is it. The bank foreclosed on our previous office. Why do you seek us?

BUSH
I’m here to help you beat Roosevelt!

GOP BOSS
Roosevel? But how?


On a busy streetcorner, a newspaper boy holds up the latest paper. It shows a book: Unfit to Stand by the Unswift Polio Victims for Truth

NEWSPAPER BOY
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Group says President Roosevelt faked his polio for sympathy votes.

Bush and the GOP Boss watch from the corner as mobs of people snatch up the newspaper.

GOP BOSS
Excellent! Mr. Bush, I never would have thought of that. It’s ingenious!

BUSH
No, it’s just genius. Well, my job here is done. Just get your man elected.

GOP BOSS
But sir, I...We want you to be our man.

BUSH
Me? (he looks up and hears Rove)

ROVE
That man will be a god...be a god...be a god....

BUSH
I’ll do it!



A reel of The March of Time plays. Footage of German and Japanese soldiers appears.

NARRATOR
In Europe and the Orient, tensions rise as Germany and Japan continue to act like the biggest roosters in the henhouse.

The reel changes to black and white footage of Bush landing on an aircraft carrier with the banner Mission Accomplished.

NARRATOR
Meanwhile, President Bush landed at Hawaii’s Pearl Harbor today, where he dared the Axis powers to attack.

BUSH
To Germany, and Japan, I say, bring it on!


At the President’s quarters at the Pearl Harbor base...

ADMIRAL
Mr. President, we have our entire fleet here massed and ready to attack. You’re sure the Japanese are going to attack on December 8?

BUSH (sitting in front of a radio and listening to the program intently)
Yeah, yeah, I’m sure. I learned that date in school.

ADMIRAL
But, sir, how could you have learned it....

BUSH (turning up the radio)
Hush, or I’m going to miss the end of Little Orphan Annie!

Annie cries out. Outside the house, there’s a terrible explosion and the sound of airplanes buzzing.

BUSH
Wow! The sound on these old radios is fantastic!

An OFFICER rushes into the room.

OFFICER
Admiral, the Japanese are attacking!

ADMIRAL
But you said they wouldn't attack until tomorrow!

BUSH
Aw, fiddlesticks. Well, no worries, boys, I know what to do.


On Capitol Hill, Bush addresses Congress...

BUSH
Today is a day that will live in blasphemy! It marks a new beginning: the War on Fascism. And to win this war, we must strike at those countries that practice it. That is why I am declaring war on Spain!

CONGRESSMAN
But the Spanish haven’t attacked us!

BUSH
Have you forgotten sir, they attacked Maine!

CONGRESSMAN
No, Mr. President, that was The Maine!

BUSH
That’s what I said, duh!


The March of Time newsreel plays...

Six months into their invasion of the Iberian peninsula, American forces find themselves bogged down like a Spaniard after a pitcher of sangria. Today near Barcelona, five soldiers were killed by improvised explosive piñatas.

Footage shows a Nazi flag over Buckingham Palace

His conquest of Great Britain complete, Adolf Hitler today said he is determined to strike the United States...

Back in Washington, Bush clears some brush. The GOP Leader from before finds him.

GOP LEADER
Mr. President, the war in Spain is going terribly. Hitler controls nearly all of Europe. We have to pull out our troops and regroup.

BUSH
But if we pull out of Spain, he’ll control all of Europe, won’t he, smart guy?

GOP LEADER
But Hitler says he’s about to attack us.

BUSH
Pshaw! You can’t believe everything that guy says.

There’s a sound of planes overhead. They look up and see German planes dropping paratroopers into Washington, DC.

GOP LEADER
Dear God!

BUSH
That’s not good...Hey, don’t worry, I know exactly what to do. I saw this movie called Red Dawn where the same thing happened. We just need a high school football team...

There’s a flash and a VW Bug appears. Karl Rove is behind the wheel. More flashes appear behind him, as German soldiers in time-traveling Bugs pursue him. Rove stops and throws open the door.

ROVE
Get in!

Bush climbs in.

ROVE
Jesus, could you have screwed the pooch more? I would have been better off sending Bonzo back in time.

BUSH
Sorry. Are we going home? Are the Democrats still in power?

ROVE
You better pray they are, asshole. Thanks to you, the United States turned into Hitlerville USA. I’ve been all over time trying to clean up your mess. Hang on!

The car flashes and arrives back in the present, behind the White House. Rove stops and looks around.

ROVE
No goosestepping...no schnitzel stands...and look, there’s Steven Spielberg going into the White House without restraints. Phew, we’re back. Okay, you go ahead and go in, I’ve going to jump ahead and make sure everything’s okay. And don’t tell anyone about this.

Bush gets out and walks to the front. He sees his father.

BUSH
Dad!

H.W. BUSH
It’s about time. (Slaps him in the back of the head.) What did I tell you, be on time!

BUSH
You have no idea how hard that was...

They walk into the White House, into the Oval Office. Bush sits behind the desk.

H.W. BUSH
What the hell are you doing? The President sits there.

BUSH
I know, duh!

From another door, Al Gore walks in. He stares at Bush behind the desk.

H.W. BUSH (to Gore)
I am so very, very sorry, President Gore.

BUSH
Wha?! But...but I’m President!

H.W. BUSH
No you’re not? You lost the election of 2000, George. Don’t you remember?

BUSH
No, I won it. I’m president! Al, don’t you remember?

GORE
Okay, that’s it. Out the window or through the door, you two jokers are leaving.

He escorts them out of the Oval Office and makes sure they leave the White House. In the driveway, Dick Cheney, wearing a chauffer’s outfit, waxes the presidential limo, which is a hybrid.

GORE
Now, Dick, I expect a second coat of wax on there.

DICK
Just finishing the second coat now, Mr. President

GORE
Dick, don’t lie to me. Get that second coat on, and use the organic wax.

DICK (mumbling)
Why don’t you and your organic wax go fuck yourselves.

GORE
Good day, gentlemen.

He closes the door.

H.W. BUSH
Do you want to tell me what that was all about?

Before Bush can speak, there’s a flash of light. Rove appears, this time on a tricked-out Segway.

BUSH
Turd Blossom! Dad, he can explain everything.

ROVE
No time, George. You need to come with me. It’s about your grandchildren.

BUSH
Oh no...please tell me Jenna got married first.

ROVE
She did...to 50 Cent.

BUSH
Wha?!

ROVE
Come on!

He pulls Bush onto the Segway.

BUSH
But how are we going to drive this on the highway?

ROVE
Oh, where we’re going, there are no highways.

The Segway wheels rotate and the fly through the air before disappearing as “Back in Time” by Huey Lewis plays.