Primates Reject Theory of Evolving Into Evolution-Denying Humans

A series of high profile fights over teaching evolution has caused one group to revise their thinking on the issue: primates.

Speaking through a sign-language interpreter, Koko, the group’s spokes-ape, said, “After much deliberation and deferential sniffing of hindquarters, we believe the current model of human evolution must be revised, because some humans are less developed than we are.”

Citing the recent board of education dispute in Kansas City, Missouri—where a heated debate has been taking place over whether evolution may be taught in the classroom—Koko said, “As a ‘monkey,’ I am deemed unable to own property, vote, or drive a car outside of the circus ring. Yet even I can see that all the evidence points to speciation through a common ancestor. Do these humans not read Nature?

“It’s as if they are walking in the jungle,” Koko continued, “and they see a banana peel. Then a mile later, they find the banana, sans peel. And they say, ‘These two things have no relation, they must have been created separately by The Great Ape,’” Koko explained, baring her teeth and spitting. “I ask you: who is the real monkey?”

Unlike the humans attacking evolution, the primates do not deny the validity of the theory. They still believe that Homo sapiens evolved from a shared ancestor. However, a new radical theory suggests that the line also had an earlier split, developing into a cruder form of human, Homo fanaticus.

“We’re still searching for the fossil missing link,” said chimpanzee researcher Dr. Sassy Pants, leading a dig at a termite mound. “But a fairly convincing amount of circumstantial evidence suggests these humans evolved from a primitive line of chimps that went extinct due to hyper-masturbation.”

The theory holds that this species—Pan troglodytes wankus—became so focused on self-stimulation that basic behaviors, such as eating and grooming, were ignored. “They literally stimulated themselves out of existence,” explains Sassy Pants.

Consequently, as this line developed into Homo fanaticus, the early humans saw sexual gratification as a means of extinction, and created complex rules and regulations prohibiting sexual activity. “What better way to combat excessive masturbation than by suggesting you would go blind?” asks Sassy Pants. “It was crudely ingenious, and the species not only survived, but flourished, especially in North America.”

Regardless of the debate on evolution, Koko says she has found common ground with those humans who deny her as a close relative. “Many look at my opposable thumbs, my social grooming habits, or my trichromatic, stereoscopic eyes, and say, ‘There ain't no way I come from this here monkey.’ Well, I couldn’t agree more.”