Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Jehovah's Witness Protection Program

In a suburban neighborhood far away from New York City, three men walk along the street: SAMMY GOOMBANI, JONAH HART, and ELIJAH STUCKEY. The three wear matching blue slacks, short-sleeve button-up white shirts, and red ties. Jonah is leading them.

SAMMY (pulling at tie)
Jesus Christ, do I have to wear this fuckin’ thing? It’s a fuckin’ clip on, for the love ’a God.

ELIJAH (slightly whining)
Jonah, must we listen to this all afternoon. My ears—

JONAH (cutting him off)
...will be fine, Elijah. Remember, my brother at the FBI said if we would help hide Mr. Goombani until the trial, they would make a sizable donation to our church.

I mean, don’t you people know what fuckin’ silk is?

ELIJAH (whining)

Just focus on handing out Watchtowers and spreading God’s word. Maybe we can touch Mr. Goombani with it.

Hey, either one of you fruitcakes touches me with anything, you’ll be seeing Jesus real fuckin’ quick.

They stop in front of a house.

Try and save a soul, Elijah.

Elijah walks up to the “door” and knocks. He holds out some literature and handouts, ready to convert a fresh soul. A YOUNG WOMAN comes to the door. She is talking on a cell phone, completely wrapped up in her conversation. Elijah waits for her to acknowledge him.

YOUNG WOMAN (looking over Elijah while talking into phone)
So I was like, “yeah you are,” and she was all, “nuh uh,” and I’m like, “yuh huh, big time.”

She pauses for a moment and smiles at Elijah. He smiles back and holds up the literature. She takes it from him.

Good afternoon, ma’am. I was wondering if I could have a moment of your...

YOUNG WOMAN (still into phone)
I know, what a bitch!

She turns and closes the door without looking at the literature.

SAMMY (laughing)
Aw, poor Eli, no one wants to read his Looney Toons freako religious crap.

ELIJAH (angry)
Just stop, okay?

Mr. Goombani, maybe you don’t respect what we’re doing, but we have a very important job here. (To Elijah) Son, I know you tried. That’s the important thing in the eyes of God.

Good thing you people don’t work on commission.

JONAH (ignoring him)
Let’s try the next house. I’ll handle this one.

They walk to the next house. Jonah approaches the house and knocks. A MOUSY WOMAN answers the door, wearing glasses.

Oh, hello there, can I help you?

Good afternoon, ma’am. I was wondering if you have a few minutes to talk about the good news of Jesus Christ.

Oh, really? You know, I go to church, but I don’t feel like I get anything out of it.

Ma’am, I am sorry to hear that. I’d like to share some things with you.

While Jonah is handing out literature, Sammy is making “kissie” faces, winking, and making other gestures at Elijah. Elijah keeps telling him under his breath to stop.

First, you can have our latest edition of The Watchtower...

Thank you very...

Sammy pulls Elijah into a hug.

Come on, Eli, give us a kiss. (He puckers up)


My word, such language! I suggest you learn to practice what you preach!

She slams the door. Sammy laughs. Jonah marches toward Sammy, grabs him by the throat and starts to choke him. Sammy falls to his knees.

I’ve turned the other cheek, shown the patience of Job, and tried to do unto you as I would have done to me. But enough is enough, you blasphemous, profane, Philistine.

He thrusts a packet of literature into Sammy’s hands.

JONAH (cont.)
You’re going to go up to that house and get the person inside to take some literature...

SAMMY (gasping)
Are you kidding?

Or I will let those mobsters know where you are...and what you’ve been doing.

Sammy looks panicked, running his hands over the tie. Jonah yanks Sammy to his feet and hands him a Bible and pamphlets.

ELIJAH (smiling)
This will never work.

Sammy slowly walks up to the next “house” and knocks. An ANNOYED MAN answers the door.

SAMMY (awkward)
Hello, uh, sir, I was wondering if I could talk to you—

ANNOYED MAN (cutting him off)
Let me guess, Jehovah’s Witness? Let me make this clear for you. (Loud and slowly) I—AM—AN—ATHEIST! I don’t care what you nutjobs have to say. How can I take you seriously when you’re wearing a tie like this?

Annoyed Man flips Sammy’s tie in his face. Sammy grabs the man’s wrist and twists hard. Sammy starts to beat him with the Bible. Elijah moves forward to stop him, but Jonah puts a hand up.

SAMMY (grunting)
Don’t believe in God, huh?

ANNOYED MAN (panicked)
Please don’t hurt me? Take my money! Just don’t kill me!

SAMMY (with fervor in his voice)
Scared to die and see how fucking empty your life is?
Well, I’m the Angel of Death, pal, and it’s judgment time!

ANNOYED MAN (balling)
Please, no! Give me a chance. I don’t really believe in atheism! I just say that because my friends think religion is silly.

Sammy stops beating him.

Do you wanna be saved? Do you!?

The man shakes his head yes.

Then you better get with the program. Now, you’re gonna read this literature. When you’re done, you better call us or I’ll be back to deliver God’s vengeance. Capice?

Sammy leaves the literature for the man. As he walks away, huffing and puffing, a light shines on his face and he begins to smile.

ELIJAH (disgusted)
That was, that was...



SAMMY (glowing)
I don’t know what...happened. I feel! I mean, I’ve pistol-whipped lots of guys. But doing it with the Bible, and trying to get that guy to accept Jesus, it fuckin’ holy.

You must be kidding me!

Oh, simmer down, Elijah. It worked with the Indians. Convert or else...I like it. Come on, Sammy, we got another block to clear. Here, let me get you the unabridged King James version.

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