The Osbournes Animal Planet

Steve Irwin, aka The Crocodile Hunter, stands at a zoo.

STEVE
G’Day, and welcome to a special edition of The Crocodile Hunter. As all of you know, I love animals. I love the way they feel, the way they smell, the way they brush up against you when you sleep...Er, but I also love rock and roll! And today, we have one of the greatest rock and rollers ever, the Prince of Darkness ’imself, Ozzy Osbourne and his family!

The Osbournes enter: Ozzy, Sharon, Jack, and Kelly. Ozzy shakes as he stumbles toward Steve. Jack and Kelly fight.

KELLY
Fuck off!

JACK
No, you fuck off!

KELLY
Mom! Tell Jack that I said he has to fuck off first!

OZZY
Buh...buh...buh...Both of you can fuck off. Shut your meatholes, or I’m going to feed you to the bloody hippos.

SHARON
Ozzy, hippos don’t eat people.

STEVE
Very good, Sharon. ’ippos are plant eaters, or ’erbivores.

OZZY
Right, well, I’ll feed you two to the uh, to the uh, to the uh, whatever eats the fuckin’ hippos.

STEVE
Don’t worry kids, today we’re going to look at some animals that seem dreadfully frightening, but are really ’armless.

OZZY
Why’d you cut off their arms?

STEVE
No, Ozzy, there ’armless. You know, can’t hurt you.

OZZY
Because they don’t have any arms?

SHARON
No, he means they’re not dangerous, you fizzled old twat.

OZZY
Well why the fuck didn’t he say so?

Steve brings in a rhinoceros and pets the rhino’s head.

STEVE
First, we have one of the truly magnificent creatures of nature, the rhinoceros. No other animal is so powerful, so attractive, so sexy. Look at its jublies!

Steve grabs the testicles of the animal to show the audience.

OZZY (whispering to Sharon)
Gotta watch these Aussies. They've all been in prison.

STEVE
Now, here’s question for all of you. What’s a rhinoceros horn made of?

SHARON
Bone!

STEVE
Good guess, Sharon, but incorrect.

KELLY
Bone!

STEVE
Your mother already guessed that, Kelly.

KELLY
But I wanted to guess it first!

STEVE
Jack?

Jack has his back turned to the camera and is making loud sniffing noises. He falls over.

STEVE
Crikey! Is he okay?

SHARON (looking over)
Mmmm, no convulsions. He's just resting his eyes.

STEVE
Um, okay then. Ozzy? Hazard a guess about what the rhino’s horn is made of?

OZZY
Uh, uh, uh, cement?

STEVE
All good guesses, but the correct answer is hair!

Ozzy touches Steve’s hair, then the rhino horn, then Steve’s hair again, then the rhino horn, then his own hair.

OZZY
But how...but how...but...Sharon!

SHARON
Steve's kidding dear, it's bone.

STEVE
No, it's...

SHARON
Trust me, Steve, it's bone.

STEVE
Ah, right.

KELLY
I said bone!

SHARON
No, dear, you said hair.

KELLY
Oh, right. (pause) Fuck.

Steve leads the rhino away and returns with something concealed behind his back.

STEVE
Now, for our next animal, what looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and lays eggs like a duck, but isn’t a duck?

KELLY
A rubber duck?

Steve pulls out a platypus from behind his back. Ozzy leaps behind Sharon in horror.

OZZY
Sharon! Sharon, it's come back for me!

STEVE
Relax, Ozzy. This is a duck-billed platypus. This little guy is a mammal that lays eggs. He’s harmless. Here, see for yourself.

Ozzy takes the platypus and looks it in the face. He turns it around and looks at its behind. Then its face. Steve sneaks up behind him and speaks as if he's the platypus

STEVE (whispering)
Ozzy, you will worship me!

Ozzy screams and drops the platypus, raising his foot to crush it. Steve cries out in horror.

STEVE
Double Crikey!

Sharon casually picks up the platypus just as Ozzy's foot comes down. Ozzy looks at the ground.

OZZY
Sharon! Get the gun, it's turned invisible.

Sharon hands the animal to Steve, who is calming down.

SHARON
That’s probably a little too much stimulation for him, Steve. Do you have an animal that doesn’t do much?

STEVE (breathing heavily)
Oi, that was close. Thought the little guy was a goner. Okay, this next one is from a group of animals that usually scare people to death, but he’s really cute as a button. Say hello to the Jamaican Fruit Bat.

Steve holds up a cute little bat.

STEVE
This little guy's name is Marley, and he's...

OZZY
Fruit?

Ozzy snatches Marley from Steve and bites its head off.

OZZY
Yuck! (spits out the head) It doesn’t taste like bloody fruit!

Steve grabs the head and the torso from Ozzy.

STEVE
Marley, oh my God, you...you...killed ’im!

OZZY
Tastes more like chicken.

Steve cradles the bat and rocks back and forth with it. He is unable to continue, so Sharon turns to the camera.

SHARON
Thanks for watching the Alligator Guy.

STEVE (to Ozzy)
Murderer!

SHARON
Please join us again when my husband will not be eating any animals. (To Kelly) Be a dear and fetch your father’s rabies kit.