American Foreign Policy for Dummies

Dealing with the world is complicated. Trying to understand how blowing the shit out of a village promotes liberty can cause throbbing cognitive dissonance that would make even Thomas Friedman pull out his mustache hair. Without the proper training, it’s hard to tell proliferation from pre-emption, factions from friendlies, allies from antagonists. So use this handy guide to keep it straight as you read your Times “Week in Review.”

General Rules of Thumb

Nuclear proliferation is bad. Bad bad bad bad. It is never, ever, ever allowed, especially in countries that don’t worship Jesus. Unless...

1) Those countries that don’t believe that Jesus was the Messiah also really don’t like Muslims.
2) Those countries do like Muslims (and in fact, one of their scientists gave nuclear secrets to Muslims), but their dictator general guy is making a half-assed attempt to help us blow up al-Queda.

If a country is about to get a nuclear weapon, they MUST be attacked pre-emptively, except when...

1) They don’t like Muslims, either.
2) They’re probably going to nuke some other country like India and leave us alone.
3) They don’t have anything useful to trade.

How can you tell a country DOES NOT have an active nuclear weapons program?

1) They keep saying they do have an active nuclear weapons program.
2) In fact, they keep dissing you about it, saying, “Yo, dog, we got enriched uranium in the hizouse!”
3) They leave a Cleveland Steamer on the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.

How can you tell when a country DOES have an active nuclear weapons program?

1) They deny it like a motherfucker.
2) A bunch of prancing European “inspectors” throw up their strudel-stained hands and say they can’t find anything.
3) Some guy whose cousin’s friend’s second cousin knows a scientist who says that they not only have an active weapons program, but have it concealed in a Slurpee machine.

The United States takes human rights violations around the world very seriously. When people are being oppressed and having their basic freedoms blocked, we will move with incredible haste to intervene anywhere, anytime...except:

1) In Africa
2) In Asia
3) In Latin America*
4) When approval numbers are already high.
5) When we don’t have any more reservists to keep in reserve because they’re reserved to keep us from drafting guys.

*Note: Latin American interventions are needed immediately for any of the following reasons: Communist government takes over, nationalist government takes over, our guy gets voted off the island, our guy gets driven into the sea, business interests get compromised, the security of second-rate med students get compromised.


The Five Stages of Building a Democracy After Toppling a Totalitarian Regime
(with helpful examples)

1. Denial and Isolation: Military hostilities have ended! Up yours, France! The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don’t need no international peacekeepers....
2. Anger: Why are these assholes still shooting at us? Fuel up the jets!
3. Bargaining: If you’d hurry up and form a government, these insurgents will get so upset, they’ll lay down their weapons.
4. Depression: How are we going to form a native security force when they keep blowing up the recruits?
5. Acceptance: Well, you’ve got your ministers and your constitution, so that means everything’s all settled. We’ll see you in 10-15 years when we depose the next homicidal strongman.


Rules of engagement

When distinguishing good foreign and military policies from bad ones, they key isn’t what you do, but how you do it. The following will help you separate the heroes from Hezbollah:

Box cutters: Can’t be brought on airplanes.
Daisy cutters: May be dropped from airplanes.

Suicide bombings: Barbaric.
Cruise missiles: Surgical.

Civilian casualties (white): The work of monsters.
Civilian casualties (brown or darker): The price of freedom.

Holding a female soldier captive in a hospital:
Geneva Convention violation.
Hooking up a car battery to a ghost detainee’s nutsack:
Standard interrogation procedure.

Reporting on collateral damage: Like shooting a soldier in the head.
Giving journalists big erections by letting them ride in tanks: Telling it like it is.


F.A.Q.

Q: Can we support a country that supports terrorism, or at least looks the other way at terrorism?
A: Only if gas is over $2.00 a gallon.

Q: If Iraq didn’t have nuclear weapons, and North Korea did, why did we attack Iraq?
A: Because Saddam is an evil, genocidal dictator, and the U.S. doesn’t support evil, genocidal dictators. We support freedom, baby, yeah!

Q: But Kim Il-Jong is an evil dictator, so why—?
A: But is he an evil, genocidal dictator?

Q: Actually, he’s killed quite a few of his own—
A: I think I’ve answered that question quite clearly. Now does anyone have a real question about current American foreign policy?

Q: The war on terror is a global, transnational conflict, requiring an unprecedented amount of intelligence, military mobility, and international cooperation. Furthermore, radical Islam is a threat to all democratic countries that support freedom and civil liberties. Keeping this in mind, why was our government so ambivalent about getting cooperation from other countries, especially key allies who could have provided much needed assistance during the long and difficult rebuilding process?

A: Why do you hate freedom?