12) The Others are abandoned cast of Real World: Hawaii
11) Sawyer and Michael pilot raft to Miami, where they team up to fight crime
10) French woman endangers everyone’s lives with her Armpits of Death
9) Big, growling monster is actually Hurley’s stomach
8) Hatch reveals secret source of island’s abundant cosmetics
7) Survivors attacked by feral Tom Hanks during intellectual property shitstorm
6) Sayid gets blamed for everything and transported to undisclosed location
5) Charlie saves everyone by destroying the One True Ring
4) Locke must fight to death with arch-enemy, Hobbes’s Leviathan
3) Everyone is rescued after secret video of Jack and Kate surfaces on the Internet
2) It was just another stupid Bob Newhart dream
1) After a bunch of flashbacks and running through the jungle, we still ain’t gonna know squat until next season
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