Special extended that's-mighty-white-of-you edition!
12) Why do you hate white people?
11) Let me elaborate: why do you hate white guys?
10) Given that 106 white men have served on the Supreme Court, do you feel that you're receiving preferential treatment?
9) Related question: if Latinas are so wise, how come they have never served on the Supreme Court?
8) What do you hate more: white men or fetuses?
7) Are you afraid of our Caucasian-ness? Our natural non-heat?
6) If Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan were trapped in an overturned car that was on fire, do you think you would be able to find the superhuman strength to flip the car over and get them out, or would your bias against white men prevent that?
5) Same question, but with Selma Hayek and Penelope Cruz in the car.
4) If you were a tree, would you be the kind of tree that would let a white family build a house out of her?
3) If you had a cat trapped in a tree, would you let a white firefighter get the cat out of the tree? Follow up question: what color is your cat?
2) We noticed that you're wearing a white cast on your ankle. Do you find plaster racist? What about white bones?
1) Why are you so obsessed with race?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Summer Siesta
Real life (does anybody remember real life?) will be intruding for a couple of weeks, so posting will be (more) sporadic than usual until the week of July 27. In the meantime, I hope you are enjoying your summer as much as I am.
Yes, that's a beach. With sun and everything. In da UP. It's not all snowshoes and animal pelts here.
Yes, that's a beach. With sun and everything. In da UP. It's not all snowshoes and animal pelts here.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we improving our relations with Russia?
10) Playing The Scorpions "Winds of Change" during negotiations.
9) Having Obama and Putin star in Lethal Weapons, a buddy-pic about two world leaders who couldn't be more different trying to reduce nuclear arms. (Featuring Joe Pesci as Leo, the wacky translator!)
8) Offering Putin a George W. Bush whoopie cushion that says "nookular" when sat on.
7) Getting drunk on Stoli and crank calling China.
6) Asking for Russian expertise in constructing a better gulag for our detainees.
5) Agreeing to let former Soviet republics join NATO, but granting the Russian army visitation rights on odd weekends.
4) Securing Russian promise to subject dissident journalists only to food poisoning.
3) Accepting Russian apology for Yakov Smirnoff while offering official American apology for Red Dawn.
2) Getting on all fours behind Iran while Russia pushes.
1) Offering them Alaska for free if they agree to take Sarah Palin with them.
9) Having Obama and Putin star in Lethal Weapons, a buddy-pic about two world leaders who couldn't be more different trying to reduce nuclear arms. (Featuring Joe Pesci as Leo, the wacky translator!)
8) Offering Putin a George W. Bush whoopie cushion that says "nookular" when sat on.
7) Getting drunk on Stoli and crank calling China.
6) Asking for Russian expertise in constructing a better gulag for our detainees.
5) Agreeing to let former Soviet republics join NATO, but granting the Russian army visitation rights on odd weekends.
4) Securing Russian promise to subject dissident journalists only to food poisoning.
3) Accepting Russian apology for Yakov Smirnoff while offering official American apology for Red Dawn.
2) Getting on all fours behind Iran while Russia pushes.
1) Offering them Alaska for free if they agree to take Sarah Palin with them.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we celebrating U.S. troop pullouts from our cities?
Special kinda sorta free edition!
10) Arranging naked detainees to spell out "FREEDOM."
9) Firing guns jubilantly in the air, then aiming them at attacking predator drone that's mistaken us for insurgents.
8) Bidding U.S. Army bon voyage as they head toward Iranian border.
7) Grabbing random Iraqi woman to kiss in the street, before being stoned to death by outraged mob.
6) Moving ahead of Afghanistan in the U.S.-Occupied Nations Power Poll.
5) Setting off Improvised Explosive Fireworks.
4) Holding a Not Quite Independence Day Sale at Bagdad Mernard's (where we're on a jihad—to save you big money!)
3) Attending Beach Boys concert in Kirkuk.
2) Having a neighborhood barbeque and talking about how we should get back to focusing our hatred on the Zionists.
1) Celebrating very quietly inside where it's safe.
10) Arranging naked detainees to spell out "FREEDOM."
9) Firing guns jubilantly in the air, then aiming them at attacking predator drone that's mistaken us for insurgents.
8) Bidding U.S. Army bon voyage as they head toward Iranian border.
7) Grabbing random Iraqi woman to kiss in the street, before being stoned to death by outraged mob.
6) Moving ahead of Afghanistan in the U.S.-Occupied Nations Power Poll.
5) Setting off Improvised Explosive Fireworks.
4) Holding a Not Quite Independence Day Sale at Bagdad Mernard's (where we're on a jihad—to save you big money!)
3) Attending Beach Boys concert in Kirkuk.
2) Having a neighborhood barbeque and talking about how we should get back to focusing our hatred on the Zionists.
1) Celebrating very quietly inside where it's safe.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Friday Random 11
It's one more random than 10!
What a weird week. Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, and Michael all going in the same week? And mixed in, Iran has a near-revolt and a state governor just skips town for a few days to go end things with his Argentinean mistress. It's a good thing it's been sunny here, because if it was cloudy I'd say there was a 30% chance of raining frogs.
Jackson's death is one of those mixed bag situations, because even if you believe he was innocent of child molestation, he certainly had a very bizarre relationship with children. And most of his problems were of his own making. At the same time, the guy was predestined to be weird. His father is Zeus in the pantheon of Asshole Showbiz Parents, which certainly got him off on the wrong foot. He had the rare occurrence of being a huge child star and then having an adult career that dwarfed that stardom. A lot of child stars, if they avoid flaming out completely, often get a chance to sit back, come to grips with that fame, and make sense of it. Jackson's career got shot out of a cannon into a rocket that landed inside a starship taking off for another galaxy. He achieved a level of fame where even Jesus might go, "Hey, you guys are kind of freaking me out right now."
That story trumped the weirdest political scandal I've ever seen: Where in the World Is Governor Mark Sanford? Most political sex scandals, while sordid or sad, are not necessarily surprising. Let's face it, Clinton always looked like a horndog, and that's also a dominant gene in the Kennedy family. Meanwhile, with your Larry Craigs and David Vitters, it's always the guys yelling the loudest about family values who are reaching under the stall for a handy or paying someone to diaper them. However, they almost always either use their power for sex or keep their sexual escapades secret to preserve their power. Sanford walked off the job like he was a busboy quitting his night shift at Denny's instead of a 2012 presidential hopeful quitting his political career, all to see his mistress in another hemisphere. It's so strange I wouldn't believe it if it was fictional, although it reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Russell Dalrymple quits his NBC job to join Greenpeace in order to impress Elaine.
Next thing you know, conservatives who previously demonized all Muslims as the enemy or joked about bombing Iran will be saying things like, "We're all Neda now." Oh, wait....
Okay music, take me away....
1) "The E Street Shuffle," Bruce Springsteen. I don't usually associate The Boss with "funky," but the burbling keyboards and jazzy horns make this song born to groove.
2) "Judy Is a Punk," The Ramones. No other band ever did more with less.
3) "Long Distance Runaround," Red House Painters. When Mark Kozalek does a cover, he really makes the song his own. This version is about as distant from the original Yes version as you can get without rapping or making it a country song. Couldn't find a video or audio, which is a shame.
4) "Gone for Good," The Shins. I used to hate country music, because like most people, I associated all country music with the Nashville sound, the ten-gallon, platinum blonde, sprayed bangs, consider-us-for-your-next-truck commercial sound that's a flatbed version of Starship. Then I heard Uncle Tupelo, who showed hipster doofuses like me that real country music has heart and feeling and is as American as dust bowls, illegal stills, and coal mining. Because of that, I can enjoy this fine slice of twangy Shins, with a steel guitar and lonesome lyrics that will make the hardest of hearts a little achy and/or breaky.
5) "Svo Hljótt," Sigur Rós. It never ceases to amaze me how much Sigur Rós move me, even though I have no idea what they are singing about. For all I know, they're singing, "Hey fatty dickface, you smell like a baboon's butt," but because they wrap it in Icelandic and reverbed guitars, I'm sitting here gushing about how beautiful it is. And let's face it, if I knew they were singing "Hey fatty dickface, you smell like a baboon's butt," I'd probably like them even more.
6) "Magic Man," Heart. They pack so much Seventies into five-and-a-half minutes: sex, sleaze, adolescent rebellion, drug use, hot guitar solos, and cheezy synths. It's like the musical of "Stuff White People Like: 1976." Speaking of which: can you imagine a time when someone makes a musical out of a blog? It will happen, but if it does, I think the musical should be really short, and borrow a bunch of ideas from other musicals, and then let the audience shout new lyrics in between songs.
7) "Pinball Wizard," The Who. The bridge between Old Who and New Who. It has the catchy spunk of the classic 60s Who singles, but with a sound that had hit the weight room on the way to becoming the buff Who of the 70s. Also a Top 10 Iconic Guitar Riff—which should be a VH1 Classic show, by the way. Sixty minutes of D-List nerds doing a capella renditions of the riffs while talking about how they used to air guitar these songs in their underwear. Tell me Judah Friedlander wouldn't leap at the opportunity to be on that. He could make a hat with each riff phonetically imprinted on it: Dum---dum---dum----dum---dum dum dum dum dumdumdumdum. Although he'd need some bigger hats.
8) "God," John Lennon. The last entertainment celebrity to get the level of death coverage that Michael Jackson will get. Definitely at the top of my Top Five Most Tragic Musical Deaths, because Lennon was still going strong and probably would have kept going strong for decades. He was one of those people who I don't think would have ever run out of creative juice or become maudlin or nostalgic in his old age.
9) "Sunshine," Alice in Chains. The least sunshiny song to ever use "sunshine" in the title or lyrics. Such a druggy and depressing album that my CD has track marks on it.
10) "End It on This," No Doubt. Talk about an album cover predicting a band's career arc: Gwen Stefani is plastered front and center, while the rest of the band are in the background. I imagine the photographer asked them, "Hey, fellas, could you move a little further back, like toward the horizon?"
11) "21st Century Breakdown," Green Day. The new album is American Idiot II: The Pretension Strikes Back, but they still rock enough that I enjoy them as long as I don't listen too closely. Which makes it a nice addition to the summer rotation.
Ah, that's better, and a pretty darn good dose of tunes, if I do say so myself. Have a good weekend.
What a weird week. Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, and Michael all going in the same week? And mixed in, Iran has a near-revolt and a state governor just skips town for a few days to go end things with his Argentinean mistress. It's a good thing it's been sunny here, because if it was cloudy I'd say there was a 30% chance of raining frogs.
Jackson's death is one of those mixed bag situations, because even if you believe he was innocent of child molestation, he certainly had a very bizarre relationship with children. And most of his problems were of his own making. At the same time, the guy was predestined to be weird. His father is Zeus in the pantheon of Asshole Showbiz Parents, which certainly got him off on the wrong foot. He had the rare occurrence of being a huge child star and then having an adult career that dwarfed that stardom. A lot of child stars, if they avoid flaming out completely, often get a chance to sit back, come to grips with that fame, and make sense of it. Jackson's career got shot out of a cannon into a rocket that landed inside a starship taking off for another galaxy. He achieved a level of fame where even Jesus might go, "Hey, you guys are kind of freaking me out right now."
That story trumped the weirdest political scandal I've ever seen: Where in the World Is Governor Mark Sanford? Most political sex scandals, while sordid or sad, are not necessarily surprising. Let's face it, Clinton always looked like a horndog, and that's also a dominant gene in the Kennedy family. Meanwhile, with your Larry Craigs and David Vitters, it's always the guys yelling the loudest about family values who are reaching under the stall for a handy or paying someone to diaper them. However, they almost always either use their power for sex or keep their sexual escapades secret to preserve their power. Sanford walked off the job like he was a busboy quitting his night shift at Denny's instead of a 2012 presidential hopeful quitting his political career, all to see his mistress in another hemisphere. It's so strange I wouldn't believe it if it was fictional, although it reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Russell Dalrymple quits his NBC job to join Greenpeace in order to impress Elaine.
Next thing you know, conservatives who previously demonized all Muslims as the enemy or joked about bombing Iran will be saying things like, "We're all Neda now." Oh, wait....
Okay music, take me away....
1) "The E Street Shuffle," Bruce Springsteen. I don't usually associate The Boss with "funky," but the burbling keyboards and jazzy horns make this song born to groove.
2) "Judy Is a Punk," The Ramones. No other band ever did more with less.
3) "Long Distance Runaround," Red House Painters. When Mark Kozalek does a cover, he really makes the song his own. This version is about as distant from the original Yes version as you can get without rapping or making it a country song. Couldn't find a video or audio, which is a shame.
4) "Gone for Good," The Shins. I used to hate country music, because like most people, I associated all country music with the Nashville sound, the ten-gallon, platinum blonde, sprayed bangs, consider-us-for-your-next-truck commercial sound that's a flatbed version of Starship. Then I heard Uncle Tupelo, who showed hipster doofuses like me that real country music has heart and feeling and is as American as dust bowls, illegal stills, and coal mining. Because of that, I can enjoy this fine slice of twangy Shins, with a steel guitar and lonesome lyrics that will make the hardest of hearts a little achy and/or breaky.
5) "Svo Hljótt," Sigur Rós. It never ceases to amaze me how much Sigur Rós move me, even though I have no idea what they are singing about. For all I know, they're singing, "Hey fatty dickface, you smell like a baboon's butt," but because they wrap it in Icelandic and reverbed guitars, I'm sitting here gushing about how beautiful it is. And let's face it, if I knew they were singing "Hey fatty dickface, you smell like a baboon's butt," I'd probably like them even more.
6) "Magic Man," Heart. They pack so much Seventies into five-and-a-half minutes: sex, sleaze, adolescent rebellion, drug use, hot guitar solos, and cheezy synths. It's like the musical of "Stuff White People Like: 1976." Speaking of which: can you imagine a time when someone makes a musical out of a blog? It will happen, but if it does, I think the musical should be really short, and borrow a bunch of ideas from other musicals, and then let the audience shout new lyrics in between songs.
7) "Pinball Wizard," The Who. The bridge between Old Who and New Who. It has the catchy spunk of the classic 60s Who singles, but with a sound that had hit the weight room on the way to becoming the buff Who of the 70s. Also a Top 10 Iconic Guitar Riff—which should be a VH1 Classic show, by the way. Sixty minutes of D-List nerds doing a capella renditions of the riffs while talking about how they used to air guitar these songs in their underwear. Tell me Judah Friedlander wouldn't leap at the opportunity to be on that. He could make a hat with each riff phonetically imprinted on it: Dum---dum---dum----dum---dum dum dum dum dumdumdumdum. Although he'd need some bigger hats.
8) "God," John Lennon. The last entertainment celebrity to get the level of death coverage that Michael Jackson will get. Definitely at the top of my Top Five Most Tragic Musical Deaths, because Lennon was still going strong and probably would have kept going strong for decades. He was one of those people who I don't think would have ever run out of creative juice or become maudlin or nostalgic in his old age.
9) "Sunshine," Alice in Chains. The least sunshiny song to ever use "sunshine" in the title or lyrics. Such a druggy and depressing album that my CD has track marks on it.
10) "End It on This," No Doubt. Talk about an album cover predicting a band's career arc: Gwen Stefani is plastered front and center, while the rest of the band are in the background. I imagine the photographer asked them, "Hey, fellas, could you move a little further back, like toward the horizon?"
11) "21st Century Breakdown," Green Day. The new album is American Idiot II: The Pretension Strikes Back, but they still rock enough that I enjoy them as long as I don't listen too closely. Which makes it a nice addition to the summer rotation.
Ah, that's better, and a pretty darn good dose of tunes, if I do say so myself. Have a good weekend.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
We Have Ways of Making You Talk, Eh?
Somewhere in Canada....
In a dark prison, a military man, COLONEL LaTRIENNE, leads a hooded, shackled prisoner down a hall.
LaTRIENNE
Welcome back to Canada, you terrorist scum.
PRISONER
Nice to be back. I'm not much of a hot weather guy, so I'm really glad to be back in a temperate climate.
LaTRIENNE
Silence! Listen, you may think you've got it easy by coming back here from Guantanamo, but you're about to learn that we Canadians are not all "please" and "thank you."
LaTrienne stops before a door and unlocks it. He pushes the prisoner into an interrogation room. Two soldiers, LEE and LIFESON, sit at a table, playing cards.
LIFESON
Ha, go fish!
LaTRIENNE
Attention!
The men drop the cards and awkwardly come to their feet and salute. LaTrienne pulls the hood off the prisoner.
LaTRIENNE
Privates Lee and Lifeson, this is Farid al-Haziz.
PRISONER
My friends call me Fred.
LEE and LIFESON
Hey, Fred.
LaTRIENNE (reaching over to twist Fred's left nipple)
Silence.
FRED
Ow!
LaTRIENNE
Men, this prisoner is a suspected terrorist, and we need to interrogate him. I want you to find out what he knows about any terrorist plans to attack Canada.
FRED
Attack Canada?
Fred, Lee, Lifeson all laugh together.
LEE
What, do they hate us for our Tim Hortons?
They laugh again, but LaTrienne twists Fred's other nipple, which silences the men.
LaTRIENNE (shoving Fred toward the privates)
Find out what he knows. Use any means necessary.
LaTrienne leaves.
Twenty minutes later, LaTrienne comes back to the door. He hears sobbing, and a voice say, "No, I don't want to talk anymore." LaTrienne smiles as he walks in. But the smile turns into a snarl when he sees Fred hugging a sobbing Lifeson.
FRED
It's okay, man, my dad was a real bastard too. Just let it out.
LaTrienne pulls them apart.
LaTRIENNE
Sacrebleu! What is this, Oprah? Now get some information out of him!
LaTrienne turns to leave, but not before turning around and twisting Fred's nipples. He laughs as Fred cries out, and then leaves.
FRED
Man, what is that guy's problem?
LEE
He's from Quebec.
Thirty minutes elapse. LaTrienne returns to the room and enters. Lee and Lifeson stand by Fred at a water-filled barrel. Fred's head is under the water.
LaTRIENNE
Ah ha! Now we are getting somewhere!
Fred pulls his head up, holding an apple with his teeth.
LIFESON
Man, Fred wins again. How can you hold your breath under water for so long?
FRED (spitting the apple out)
I had a lot of practice during my previous detention.
LaTrienne marches into the room. Fred instinctively covers his nipples.
LaTRIENNE
I am going to say this one time: I have to leave for two hours. When I return, I want to know everything this man knows. If you do not extract that information...
Lee and Lifeson lean in.
LIFESON
Go on.
LaTrienne twists his nipple.
LIFESON
Owwww. Man, Fred, you're not kidding, that really hurts.
LaTRIENNE (holding up two fingers)
Two hours. Find out everything.
LaTrienne turns around and leaves. Lee and Lifeson huddle together.
LIFESON
How are we going to make him talk? I don't want to, you know, hurt him.
LEE
I've got an idea. They say you can catch more flies with honey...
LIFESON
I thought that was bears?
LEE
Just let me handle this. (He turns to Fred.) Fred, I've got a proposal for you.
The hands on the clock begin to spin. Lee, Lifeson, and Fred play "Tom Sawyer" on Rock Band, with Fred on drums. Fred flails at the end of the song and fails.
LEE
Ha, beat you. Okay, start talking.
The hands spin again. Fred kneels on the floor with a beer bong in his mouth while Lifeson pours LaBatt's into the funnel. Fred starts to chug but can't get it all down, getting beer all over his face. The three share a hearty laugh as Fred starts talking again.
The hands spin another time. The three sit at a table playing Trivial Pursuit: Canadian Edition.
FRED
Oh, I should know this. Is it Honeymoon Suite?
LEE
No, the correct answer is Glass Tiger. You owe us some more intel.
The clock hands advance and stop. LaTrienne walks back into the room. Lee and Lifeson stand over Fred, who looks exhausted and defeated.
LaTRIENNE
So, were you successful?
LEE
Were we!
LaTRIENNE
Excellent. Tell me everything you know.
LEE
Okay, Fred here is a Pisces. He's not supposed to eat pork but he loves back bacon, he has every single SCTV episode on tape, and under extreme pressure, he'll admit to owning every Bryan Adams record. And check this out: he's from Ottawa and it turns out we once dated the same girl during the same week.
LIFESON
What are the odds, eh?
LaTRIENNE (running his hand down his face in frustration)
That's what you learned? Nothing about his plans to attack Canada?
Lifeson giggles but sees LaTrienne's face and stifles it.
LEE
Yeah, he says he's not a terrorist. Oh, but he hates hockey. That's kind of weird, eh?
LaTRIENNE (thinking)
Really? Wait here.
LaTrienne leaves the room for a moment.
LIFESON (high-fiving Lee and Fred)
Nice job.
LEE
Hey, Fred, sorry we had to get a little rough on you there.
FRED
No problem, guys.
LaTrienne returns with two hockey sticks and a puck. He gives the sticks to Lee and Lifeson.
LaTRIENNE
Privates, you have done a great job today. I think you can relax with a little floor hockey. You two versus Fred.
He tosses Fred the puck. As soon as Fred touches it, Lee and Lifeson are on him, checking and swatting with the sticks. Fred tries to escape but they pursue him off screen.
FRED
Ow, no, not with the stick!
LaTRIENNE (pulling a whistle from his pocket)
Just let me know when you're ready to talk, Fred.
Fred cries out in pain. As LaTrienne smiles, the puck flies in and hits LaTrienne in the face, knocking him to the floor.
LaTRIEENE (weakly)
I should have joined the Foreign Legion.
In a dark prison, a military man, COLONEL LaTRIENNE, leads a hooded, shackled prisoner down a hall.
LaTRIENNE
Welcome back to Canada, you terrorist scum.
PRISONER
Nice to be back. I'm not much of a hot weather guy, so I'm really glad to be back in a temperate climate.
LaTRIENNE
Silence! Listen, you may think you've got it easy by coming back here from Guantanamo, but you're about to learn that we Canadians are not all "please" and "thank you."
LaTrienne stops before a door and unlocks it. He pushes the prisoner into an interrogation room. Two soldiers, LEE and LIFESON, sit at a table, playing cards.
LIFESON
Ha, go fish!
LaTRIENNE
Attention!
The men drop the cards and awkwardly come to their feet and salute. LaTrienne pulls the hood off the prisoner.
LaTRIENNE
Privates Lee and Lifeson, this is Farid al-Haziz.
PRISONER
My friends call me Fred.
LEE and LIFESON
Hey, Fred.
LaTRIENNE (reaching over to twist Fred's left nipple)
Silence.
FRED
Ow!
LaTRIENNE
Men, this prisoner is a suspected terrorist, and we need to interrogate him. I want you to find out what he knows about any terrorist plans to attack Canada.
FRED
Attack Canada?
Fred, Lee, Lifeson all laugh together.
LEE
What, do they hate us for our Tim Hortons?
They laugh again, but LaTrienne twists Fred's other nipple, which silences the men.
LaTRIENNE (shoving Fred toward the privates)
Find out what he knows. Use any means necessary.
LaTrienne leaves.
Twenty minutes later, LaTrienne comes back to the door. He hears sobbing, and a voice say, "No, I don't want to talk anymore." LaTrienne smiles as he walks in. But the smile turns into a snarl when he sees Fred hugging a sobbing Lifeson.
FRED
It's okay, man, my dad was a real bastard too. Just let it out.
LaTrienne pulls them apart.
LaTRIENNE
Sacrebleu! What is this, Oprah? Now get some information out of him!
LaTrienne turns to leave, but not before turning around and twisting Fred's nipples. He laughs as Fred cries out, and then leaves.
FRED
Man, what is that guy's problem?
LEE
He's from Quebec.
Thirty minutes elapse. LaTrienne returns to the room and enters. Lee and Lifeson stand by Fred at a water-filled barrel. Fred's head is under the water.
LaTRIENNE
Ah ha! Now we are getting somewhere!
Fred pulls his head up, holding an apple with his teeth.
LIFESON
Man, Fred wins again. How can you hold your breath under water for so long?
FRED (spitting the apple out)
I had a lot of practice during my previous detention.
LaTrienne marches into the room. Fred instinctively covers his nipples.
LaTRIENNE
I am going to say this one time: I have to leave for two hours. When I return, I want to know everything this man knows. If you do not extract that information...
Lee and Lifeson lean in.
LIFESON
Go on.
LaTrienne twists his nipple.
LIFESON
Owwww. Man, Fred, you're not kidding, that really hurts.
LaTRIENNE (holding up two fingers)
Two hours. Find out everything.
LaTrienne turns around and leaves. Lee and Lifeson huddle together.
LIFESON
How are we going to make him talk? I don't want to, you know, hurt him.
LEE
I've got an idea. They say you can catch more flies with honey...
LIFESON
I thought that was bears?
LEE
Just let me handle this. (He turns to Fred.) Fred, I've got a proposal for you.
The hands on the clock begin to spin. Lee, Lifeson, and Fred play "Tom Sawyer" on Rock Band, with Fred on drums. Fred flails at the end of the song and fails.
LEE
Ha, beat you. Okay, start talking.
The hands spin again. Fred kneels on the floor with a beer bong in his mouth while Lifeson pours LaBatt's into the funnel. Fred starts to chug but can't get it all down, getting beer all over his face. The three share a hearty laugh as Fred starts talking again.
The hands spin another time. The three sit at a table playing Trivial Pursuit: Canadian Edition.
FRED
Oh, I should know this. Is it Honeymoon Suite?
LEE
No, the correct answer is Glass Tiger. You owe us some more intel.
The clock hands advance and stop. LaTrienne walks back into the room. Lee and Lifeson stand over Fred, who looks exhausted and defeated.
LaTRIENNE
So, were you successful?
LEE
Were we!
LaTRIENNE
Excellent. Tell me everything you know.
LEE
Okay, Fred here is a Pisces. He's not supposed to eat pork but he loves back bacon, he has every single SCTV episode on tape, and under extreme pressure, he'll admit to owning every Bryan Adams record. And check this out: he's from Ottawa and it turns out we once dated the same girl during the same week.
LIFESON
What are the odds, eh?
LaTRIENNE (running his hand down his face in frustration)
That's what you learned? Nothing about his plans to attack Canada?
Lifeson giggles but sees LaTrienne's face and stifles it.
LEE
Yeah, he says he's not a terrorist. Oh, but he hates hockey. That's kind of weird, eh?
LaTRIENNE (thinking)
Really? Wait here.
LaTrienne leaves the room for a moment.
LIFESON (high-fiving Lee and Fred)
Nice job.
LEE
Hey, Fred, sorry we had to get a little rough on you there.
FRED
No problem, guys.
LaTrienne returns with two hockey sticks and a puck. He gives the sticks to Lee and Lifeson.
LaTRIENNE
Privates, you have done a great job today. I think you can relax with a little floor hockey. You two versus Fred.
He tosses Fred the puck. As soon as Fred touches it, Lee and Lifeson are on him, checking and swatting with the sticks. Fred tries to escape but they pursue him off screen.
FRED
Ow, no, not with the stick!
LaTRIENNE (pulling a whistle from his pocket)
Just let me know when you're ready to talk, Fred.
Fred cries out in pain. As LaTrienne smiles, the puck flies in and hits LaTrienne in the face, knocking him to the floor.
LaTRIEENE (weakly)
I should have joined the Foreign Legion.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we going to balance the state budget?
10) Require retiring government workers to earn their pensions by surviving The Running Man challenge (California only).
9) Allow WIC to be only good for Cheez-Whiz, Funyuns, and baby formula.
8) Replace road maintenance crews with a couple of Roombas.
7) Reduce education expenses by replacing all text books with The Bible (Kansas only).
6) Charge $10 per throw for new Rod Blagojevich dunking tank (Illinois only).
5) Enact new "boner tax" (monitor required).
4) Shut down all government functions during July for new "State of Nature" month.
3) Double the ammunition tax during "State of Nature" month.
2) Offer lottery winners new lump meth payment in lieu of cash.
1) Let governor take unpaid leave of absence so we can get stimulus money while he's gone.
9) Allow WIC to be only good for Cheez-Whiz, Funyuns, and baby formula.
8) Replace road maintenance crews with a couple of Roombas.
7) Reduce education expenses by replacing all text books with The Bible (Kansas only).
6) Charge $10 per throw for new Rod Blagojevich dunking tank (Illinois only).
5) Enact new "boner tax" (monitor required).
4) Shut down all government functions during July for new "State of Nature" month.
3) Double the ammunition tax during "State of Nature" month.
2) Offer lottery winners new lump meth payment in lieu of cash.
1) Let governor take unpaid leave of absence so we can get stimulus money while he's gone.
Happy Libday
It's hard to believe it's been a year already.
A lot of times when you wish really hard for something and get it, you're a little disappointed. Either the reality isn't is good as the wish or the wish doesn't happen the way you hoped. Libby has been everything I hoped for and then some.
Even though The Lovely Becky and I went through a lot to get to this point, we wouldn't change any of it, because we couldn't be happier with how things turned out.
A lot of times when you wish really hard for something and get it, you're a little disappointed. Either the reality isn't is good as the wish or the wish doesn't happen the way you hoped. Libby has been everything I hoped for and then some.
Even though The Lovely Becky and I went through a lot to get to this point, we wouldn't change any of it, because we couldn't be happier with how things turned out.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Friday Random 11
It's one more random than 10!
Having just celebrated my fifteenth wedding anniversary with The Lovely Becky (now updating her blog again), I've been thinking a lot about the good times we've had. One of Kathleen's posts triggered a memory of the best party we ever attended. It was a couple of years after we were married, when we lived in Brooklyn and worked in Manhattan. One of our friends, P, had a really great apartment for parties, complete with a Moroccan Room, which had beads hanging in the doorway, cushions on the floor, and fez on the table in the middle of the room. P and I worked together, and one day we and some other co-workers were talking about having a party at her place. We wanted to make it a theme, and somehow we eventually settled on Bring Your Own Gimp.
We didn't expect (nor desire) people to show up in leather submissive outfits or for the party to turn into a Moroccan orgy. However, we did want to add some "atmosphere" (read: humorous weirdness) to the party by decorating with some sex toys. Specifically, we wanted to have a blow-up doll because we thought it would be funny, and with our close proximity to Times Square, it would be an easy accessory to obtain.
Or so we thought. We popped into a few adult bookstores, thinking we could drop $20 for a cheap blow-up doll. However, it appeared that the blow-up doll connoisseur had more sophisticated tastes, as the ones we found were more than $100 because they had things like vibrating motors. We tried to explain, as politely as possible, that we just wanted one for decoration, not one to marry. Finally, we found one for $40. We picked up a couple of other props, including a double-sided dildo. One of the guys, B, wanted to get a couple of ball gags, with the red ball like the ones they used in Pulp Fiction, an accessory the bookstore didn't have.
We walked around and found an S&M shop that was in the process of opening. Up to this point, we were in standard adult bookstore territory: cheap videos, mags, and the kind of adult toys you gave as gag gifts. This place was the Rolls Royce dealer for domination. Studded leather paddles, leather masks, whips, chains...displayed with safe-word seriousness. I think the clerk was amused by our deer-eyed amazement, and he helpfully showed us what the shop had in ball gags. We purchased two and returned to our regularly scheduled programming.
The other idea behind the Bring Your Own Gimp party was to dress up a little different and/or naughtier than usual. The Lovely Becky, who had long, copper-red hair at this time, wore a short black wig and a black jacket with a tasteful-yet-definitely-a-brassier bra underneath it. She looked like she could have been a sales associate at the Rolls Royce Sex Shop: professional and classy, but someone who could describe the features and benefits of a good leather paddle. She certainly did not look like the TLB everyone knew. I didn't have much in the way of naught clothes, but spiked up my hair a little and clipped an earring to my ear.
When we got to the party, the blow-up doll was hanging from the ceiling, its open mouth making a slow 360 of the room. Many of the people had not dressed up, which was disappointing, but the props were a big hit. There were a number of pictures taken with the dildo, and some more adventurous partiers even tried on the ball gags.
One of the folks at the party was Tree, a very tall marketing manager from my office. At one point, he was talking to the costumed TLB. He had seen us come in together and smooching (as young married couples do at Bring Your Own Gimp parties). However, he was sort of probing in his conversation with her, like he was verbally sweeping a minefield. Eventually, TLB mentioned something about being my wife.
"Oh my God, you're Brando's wife!" he said with surprise and relief. He had seen our wedding picture on my desk, with TLB sporting a virginal white dress and long red hair, as opposed to short black hair and come-hither jacket and bra. "I thought you were just some floozy he was with."
The party remained much more tasteful than the sex doll twirling from the ceiling, with no public hookups or key party shenanigans taking place. I had a ball gag in my mouth at one point, but that was as crazy as it got for me. After drinking into the wee hours, I left for home with The Lovely Floozy. When we talked to P the next day, she said the doll had sprung a leak and its deflated corpse had been put out to the trash.
The double-sided dildo, however, had gone missing. And not in a "ha, ha, someone took the double-sided dildo" way. It went missing in the, "Um, I think someone wanted the double-sided dildo" way. So the moral of the story is, if you're going to have sex toys at your party, make sure you lock up your didos when you're done.
1) "Yesterdays," Guns N' Roses. What I liked about these kinds of songs on Use Your Illusion was how GnR managed to channel their inner Elton John without losing their identity. Not easy to do when your last record was recorded on the Night Train.
2) "Love Buzz," Nirvana. That's what you get when you hyperventilate inside a gimp mask.
3) "Place to Be," Nick Drake. The U.P. was that place this last week. TLB and I took Libby out for a hike, soaking up the sun and the lush greens of the trees and deep blues of Lake Superior. This song sums up that feeling: sun on my face, gentle breeze blowing, and great feeling of peace and calm. Too bad I have to get out from under 12 stories of snow to get to that moment.
4) "NYC," Interpol. I miss NYC but I don't miss living there. The three years I spend there felt like living in a foreign country: exciting, exhilarating, life-changing, but never like home. If TLB and I have the money, though, we'd seriously consider retiring there. After living in the U.P., a New York winter will seem like a piece of cake, and we could find stuff to do every day. We could hop down to our local coffee place to eat bagels and read our Kindles, then hit a museum or just walk around. That's much more appealing to me than Del Boca Vista.
5) "Runaway Train," Soul Asylum. A good song that couldn't hold up under overplaying. I really liked it the first time I heard it, and then MTV and "alternative" radio tore it apart like a couple of hungry dogs.
6) "A Method, "TV on the Radio. I don't usually use "a cappella" and "awesome" in the same sentence, but I really dig this track. Just layers of vocals and some marching band drums to transfer it out of Manhattan Transfer territory. The live version is not as good, but has the added value of an amusing guy in the background going nuts on a tom tom.
7) "September Gurls," Big Star. Anyone who loves rock music should own Big Star's #1 Record/Radio City CD. Two albums of the most perfect collection of guitar-driven pop ever recorded combined on one disc. Essential (for reals, not fake All Music Guide essential).
8) "YYZ (Live)," Rush. My favorite rock instrumental of all time and, surprisingly, one of the most accessible Rush songs because Geddy doesn't sing and the song's really groovy. No, seriously, it got a funky groove to it. Stop laughing.
9) "Boys, You Won't," The Wrens. I really wish an entire Age of Middle Earth didn't pass between their album releases, even if I've gotten six years of enjoyment out of The Meadowlands.
10) "Rich Woman," Robert Plant and Alison Krauss. Really, the best stuff Plant has done since In Through the Out Door. His solo stuff was okay, and if I hear The Honeydrippers after I die, I'll know I'm in hell. However, Raising Sand shows his voice in fine form and is age-appropriate without sounding aged. I hope Mick Jagger was taking notes.
11) "Please Let Me Love You," Alan Merrill. There's a wonderful serenade quality to the song and the sound, like Merrill recorded it outside of a girl's window. A charming end to a list that began with tales of sex toy shopping.
Have a good weekend.
Having just celebrated my fifteenth wedding anniversary with The Lovely Becky (now updating her blog again), I've been thinking a lot about the good times we've had. One of Kathleen's posts triggered a memory of the best party we ever attended. It was a couple of years after we were married, when we lived in Brooklyn and worked in Manhattan. One of our friends, P, had a really great apartment for parties, complete with a Moroccan Room, which had beads hanging in the doorway, cushions on the floor, and fez on the table in the middle of the room. P and I worked together, and one day we and some other co-workers were talking about having a party at her place. We wanted to make it a theme, and somehow we eventually settled on Bring Your Own Gimp.
We didn't expect (nor desire) people to show up in leather submissive outfits or for the party to turn into a Moroccan orgy. However, we did want to add some "atmosphere" (read: humorous weirdness) to the party by decorating with some sex toys. Specifically, we wanted to have a blow-up doll because we thought it would be funny, and with our close proximity to Times Square, it would be an easy accessory to obtain.
Or so we thought. We popped into a few adult bookstores, thinking we could drop $20 for a cheap blow-up doll. However, it appeared that the blow-up doll connoisseur had more sophisticated tastes, as the ones we found were more than $100 because they had things like vibrating motors. We tried to explain, as politely as possible, that we just wanted one for decoration, not one to marry. Finally, we found one for $40. We picked up a couple of other props, including a double-sided dildo. One of the guys, B, wanted to get a couple of ball gags, with the red ball like the ones they used in Pulp Fiction, an accessory the bookstore didn't have.
We walked around and found an S&M shop that was in the process of opening. Up to this point, we were in standard adult bookstore territory: cheap videos, mags, and the kind of adult toys you gave as gag gifts. This place was the Rolls Royce dealer for domination. Studded leather paddles, leather masks, whips, chains...displayed with safe-word seriousness. I think the clerk was amused by our deer-eyed amazement, and he helpfully showed us what the shop had in ball gags. We purchased two and returned to our regularly scheduled programming.
The other idea behind the Bring Your Own Gimp party was to dress up a little different and/or naughtier than usual. The Lovely Becky, who had long, copper-red hair at this time, wore a short black wig and a black jacket with a tasteful-yet-definitely-a-brassier bra underneath it. She looked like she could have been a sales associate at the Rolls Royce Sex Shop: professional and classy, but someone who could describe the features and benefits of a good leather paddle. She certainly did not look like the TLB everyone knew. I didn't have much in the way of naught clothes, but spiked up my hair a little and clipped an earring to my ear.
When we got to the party, the blow-up doll was hanging from the ceiling, its open mouth making a slow 360 of the room. Many of the people had not dressed up, which was disappointing, but the props were a big hit. There were a number of pictures taken with the dildo, and some more adventurous partiers even tried on the ball gags.
One of the folks at the party was Tree, a very tall marketing manager from my office. At one point, he was talking to the costumed TLB. He had seen us come in together and smooching (as young married couples do at Bring Your Own Gimp parties). However, he was sort of probing in his conversation with her, like he was verbally sweeping a minefield. Eventually, TLB mentioned something about being my wife.
"Oh my God, you're Brando's wife!" he said with surprise and relief. He had seen our wedding picture on my desk, with TLB sporting a virginal white dress and long red hair, as opposed to short black hair and come-hither jacket and bra. "I thought you were just some floozy he was with."
The party remained much more tasteful than the sex doll twirling from the ceiling, with no public hookups or key party shenanigans taking place. I had a ball gag in my mouth at one point, but that was as crazy as it got for me. After drinking into the wee hours, I left for home with The Lovely Floozy. When we talked to P the next day, she said the doll had sprung a leak and its deflated corpse had been put out to the trash.
The double-sided dildo, however, had gone missing. And not in a "ha, ha, someone took the double-sided dildo" way. It went missing in the, "Um, I think someone wanted the double-sided dildo" way. So the moral of the story is, if you're going to have sex toys at your party, make sure you lock up your didos when you're done.
1) "Yesterdays," Guns N' Roses. What I liked about these kinds of songs on Use Your Illusion was how GnR managed to channel their inner Elton John without losing their identity. Not easy to do when your last record was recorded on the Night Train.
2) "Love Buzz," Nirvana. That's what you get when you hyperventilate inside a gimp mask.
3) "Place to Be," Nick Drake. The U.P. was that place this last week. TLB and I took Libby out for a hike, soaking up the sun and the lush greens of the trees and deep blues of Lake Superior. This song sums up that feeling: sun on my face, gentle breeze blowing, and great feeling of peace and calm. Too bad I have to get out from under 12 stories of snow to get to that moment.
4) "NYC," Interpol. I miss NYC but I don't miss living there. The three years I spend there felt like living in a foreign country: exciting, exhilarating, life-changing, but never like home. If TLB and I have the money, though, we'd seriously consider retiring there. After living in the U.P., a New York winter will seem like a piece of cake, and we could find stuff to do every day. We could hop down to our local coffee place to eat bagels and read our Kindles, then hit a museum or just walk around. That's much more appealing to me than Del Boca Vista.
5) "Runaway Train," Soul Asylum. A good song that couldn't hold up under overplaying. I really liked it the first time I heard it, and then MTV and "alternative" radio tore it apart like a couple of hungry dogs.
6) "A Method, "TV on the Radio. I don't usually use "a cappella" and "awesome" in the same sentence, but I really dig this track. Just layers of vocals and some marching band drums to transfer it out of Manhattan Transfer territory. The live version is not as good, but has the added value of an amusing guy in the background going nuts on a tom tom.
7) "September Gurls," Big Star. Anyone who loves rock music should own Big Star's #1 Record/Radio City CD. Two albums of the most perfect collection of guitar-driven pop ever recorded combined on one disc. Essential (for reals, not fake All Music Guide essential).
8) "YYZ (Live)," Rush. My favorite rock instrumental of all time and, surprisingly, one of the most accessible Rush songs because Geddy doesn't sing and the song's really groovy. No, seriously, it got a funky groove to it. Stop laughing.
9) "Boys, You Won't," The Wrens. I really wish an entire Age of Middle Earth didn't pass between their album releases, even if I've gotten six years of enjoyment out of The Meadowlands.
10) "Rich Woman," Robert Plant and Alison Krauss. Really, the best stuff Plant has done since In Through the Out Door. His solo stuff was okay, and if I hear The Honeydrippers after I die, I'll know I'm in hell. However, Raising Sand shows his voice in fine form and is age-appropriate without sounding aged. I hope Mick Jagger was taking notes.
11) "Please Let Me Love You," Alan Merrill. There's a wonderful serenade quality to the song and the sound, like Merrill recorded it outside of a girl's window. A charming end to a list that began with tales of sex toy shopping.
Have a good weekend.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
The Birds and the Bees Gone Wild
In the living room of a typical suburban home, a teenage boy and girl make out on the couch. The boy's hand starts to drift southward.
ABBY
Peter?
Peter pulls his hand back quickly.
PETER
I'm sorry, I got a little carried away, I didn't mean to....
ABBY
No, just get the light.
PETER
Oh...right!
He reaches up and turns it off. The living room goes dark for a few moments as we hear the sounds of amorous kissing.
The door opens and Peter's parents, PAULA and HARRY step in, flicking on the light. Peter and Abby are horizontal on the couch, with Abby's blouse unbuttoned. They sit bolt upright as the parents look on.
PETER
Mom! Dad!
PAULA
I can't believe what I'm seeing, in my own house, on my own couch.
Harry walks toward Peter, reaches out to him, and pulls him into a big hug.
HARRY
That a boy, Pete!
PAULA (tearing up)
It's so beautiful! Oh, Petey, we're so proud.
PETER
Abby, these are my parents.
HARRY (shaking hands)
I'm Harry Longwood.
PAULA (gives Abby a hug)
And I'm Paula Pounding-Longwood. So, has our little Peter been getting you aroused?
ABBY
Nice to meet...I'm sorry, what?
PAULA
Aroused. (to Peter) Don't tell me you forgot everything I taught you about the erogenous zones, Petey? And what did I tell you about the importance of nipple stimulation, young man?
HARRY
Son, did you put a little pressure on her mons pubis while gently stroking her....
PETER
Dad, Jesus! (to Abby) You'll have to forgive my parents, they're...adult entertainers.
ABBY
You're in porn?
HARRY (sighs)
Porn sounds so dirty...
PAULA (playfully slaps his chest)
Oh, don't be so sensitive. I swear, the only thing more sensitive than my husband's testicles is his pride. We were in porn...
HARRY
Exotic pictures
PAULA
...but we hung up our g-strings and lube a while ago. I write marriage self-help books now.
ABBY (relieved)
Oh, really? You know, my parents are having some problems...
PAULA (goes to the bookshelf)
Say no more! Here, give them a copy of my latest book. (She hands it to Abby.)
ABBY (reading the title)
Happy Analversary: 69 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Pumping Along. Um, thanks. And what do you do now, Mr. Longwood?
HARRY
I own my own business.
PETER (quickly)
He's in latex!
PAULA
Petey, you make it sound so industrial. Peter's father makes his own dildos.
ABBY
Dildos?
HARRY
I prefer the term "marital aids." But yes, I model and manufacture them. "If you want it good, get a Longwood."
PAULA (to Abby)
Here, dear, let me get you one. Your parents will need it for chapters 15-26.
Two people enter the front door. One is a woman dressed in a leather uniform. She carries a whip and holds a chain attached to the collar of a man wearing a leather mask with a zipper that's closed over his mouth. Abby lets out a surprised gasp.
PETER (sighing)
Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg.
Mr. Greenberg waves and says a muffled "hello." Mrs. Greenberg walks over and hugs Peter, dragging Mr. Greenberg with her.
MRS. GREENBERG
Peter, I didn't know you were home from school. My goodness, look at you.
PETER
Yes, and look at you. Abby, these are the Greenbergs, friends of my parents.
PAULA
We interrupted Petey and Abby when we came home, if you know what I mean.
MRS GREENBERG
Oooohhhh. (She elbows Peter knowingly.) Well, we'll let you get back to whatever you kids were doing. (to Peter's parents) We'll be down in the dungeon.
Mrs. Greenberg leads her husband away, and he muffles a goodbye as he departs.
ABBY
I need to use your bathroom.
PETER
Upstairs, second door on the right.
Abby departs up the stairs.
PAULA
We should leave you alone.
PETER
Mom, Dad, why is it every time I bring a girl over, you guys have to pressure me about having sex with her?
HARRY
What do you mean?
PETER
Every girlfriend I've ever had, you guys start talking about G-spots before you even know her name.
HARRY
Oh, you're exaggerating.
PETER
Am I? Remember Melinda? Mom asked her if she'd ever had a vaginal orgasm with me before she and I even kissed.
PAULA
I was just making conversation.
PETER
We were at her church picnic!
PAULA
Well excuse me for wanting my son to know how to get a woman off!
PETER
You guys put all this pressure on me to have sex, talking about stimulation this and arousal that, and it makes me crazy. God, it's no wonder I'm still a virgin.
Harry and Paula gasp.
PAULA
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
PETER
Hear what? That I AM A VIRGIN! Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!
HARRY
Peter, do not talk to your mother like that. (Pauses.) Son, I'm sorry if we pressured you. We just wanted you to be happy and experience the kind of love your mother and I have. I guess things are just different today than when we met on the set of Cockadile Dundee. We'll leave you and....
PETER (rolls eyes)
Abby.
HARRY
Right, Abby. We'll leave you and Abby alone to do whatever you want...or don't want.
PAULA
We love you, Petey, and Abby seems like a wonderful girl. I hope we didn't mess things up for you.
Paula hugs Peter before she and Harry leave to go downstairs. Abby returns as they depart.
ABBY
Was somebody shouting "I am a virgin"?
PETER
Yeah, that was me. Listen, Abby, I'm sorry about all of this. My parents, the Greenbergs, the book, the...dildos. I'm not some kind of freak, and we can take things nice and slow if you want.
ABBY (approaching him)
Peter, that's really sweet, and I appreciate how you're looking out for me. But we've been going out for a while now and...I think we can speed things up a bit.
PETER
Really?
ABBY
In fact, I was just reading Chapter 3 of your mom's book while I was upstairs. She's got some good suggestions. And what was that your father said about the mons pubis?
They start kissing, and Peter reaches over to shut off the light. There's some rustling before they hear two cracks of a whip.
MRS GREENBERG (from downstairs)
You've been a very, very naughty boy.
Peter flips the light back on.
ABBY
How about we go back to my place?
PETER
Sounds good.
ABBY
Peter?
Peter pulls his hand back quickly.
PETER
I'm sorry, I got a little carried away, I didn't mean to....
ABBY
No, just get the light.
PETER
Oh...right!
He reaches up and turns it off. The living room goes dark for a few moments as we hear the sounds of amorous kissing.
The door opens and Peter's parents, PAULA and HARRY step in, flicking on the light. Peter and Abby are horizontal on the couch, with Abby's blouse unbuttoned. They sit bolt upright as the parents look on.
PETER
Mom! Dad!
PAULA
I can't believe what I'm seeing, in my own house, on my own couch.
Harry walks toward Peter, reaches out to him, and pulls him into a big hug.
HARRY
That a boy, Pete!
PAULA (tearing up)
It's so beautiful! Oh, Petey, we're so proud.
PETER
Abby, these are my parents.
HARRY (shaking hands)
I'm Harry Longwood.
PAULA (gives Abby a hug)
And I'm Paula Pounding-Longwood. So, has our little Peter been getting you aroused?
ABBY
Nice to meet...I'm sorry, what?
PAULA
Aroused. (to Peter) Don't tell me you forgot everything I taught you about the erogenous zones, Petey? And what did I tell you about the importance of nipple stimulation, young man?
HARRY
Son, did you put a little pressure on her mons pubis while gently stroking her....
PETER
Dad, Jesus! (to Abby) You'll have to forgive my parents, they're...adult entertainers.
ABBY
You're in porn?
HARRY (sighs)
Porn sounds so dirty...
PAULA (playfully slaps his chest)
Oh, don't be so sensitive. I swear, the only thing more sensitive than my husband's testicles is his pride. We were in porn...
HARRY
Exotic pictures
PAULA
...but we hung up our g-strings and lube a while ago. I write marriage self-help books now.
ABBY (relieved)
Oh, really? You know, my parents are having some problems...
PAULA (goes to the bookshelf)
Say no more! Here, give them a copy of my latest book. (She hands it to Abby.)
ABBY (reading the title)
Happy Analversary: 69 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Pumping Along. Um, thanks. And what do you do now, Mr. Longwood?
HARRY
I own my own business.
PETER (quickly)
He's in latex!
PAULA
Petey, you make it sound so industrial. Peter's father makes his own dildos.
ABBY
Dildos?
HARRY
I prefer the term "marital aids." But yes, I model and manufacture them. "If you want it good, get a Longwood."
PAULA (to Abby)
Here, dear, let me get you one. Your parents will need it for chapters 15-26.
Two people enter the front door. One is a woman dressed in a leather uniform. She carries a whip and holds a chain attached to the collar of a man wearing a leather mask with a zipper that's closed over his mouth. Abby lets out a surprised gasp.
PETER (sighing)
Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg.
Mr. Greenberg waves and says a muffled "hello." Mrs. Greenberg walks over and hugs Peter, dragging Mr. Greenberg with her.
MRS. GREENBERG
Peter, I didn't know you were home from school. My goodness, look at you.
PETER
Yes, and look at you. Abby, these are the Greenbergs, friends of my parents.
PAULA
We interrupted Petey and Abby when we came home, if you know what I mean.
MRS GREENBERG
Oooohhhh. (She elbows Peter knowingly.) Well, we'll let you get back to whatever you kids were doing. (to Peter's parents) We'll be down in the dungeon.
Mrs. Greenberg leads her husband away, and he muffles a goodbye as he departs.
ABBY
I need to use your bathroom.
PETER
Upstairs, second door on the right.
Abby departs up the stairs.
PAULA
We should leave you alone.
PETER
Mom, Dad, why is it every time I bring a girl over, you guys have to pressure me about having sex with her?
HARRY
What do you mean?
PETER
Every girlfriend I've ever had, you guys start talking about G-spots before you even know her name.
HARRY
Oh, you're exaggerating.
PETER
Am I? Remember Melinda? Mom asked her if she'd ever had a vaginal orgasm with me before she and I even kissed.
PAULA
I was just making conversation.
PETER
We were at her church picnic!
PAULA
Well excuse me for wanting my son to know how to get a woman off!
PETER
You guys put all this pressure on me to have sex, talking about stimulation this and arousal that, and it makes me crazy. God, it's no wonder I'm still a virgin.
Harry and Paula gasp.
PAULA
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
PETER
Hear what? That I AM A VIRGIN! Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!
HARRY
Peter, do not talk to your mother like that. (Pauses.) Son, I'm sorry if we pressured you. We just wanted you to be happy and experience the kind of love your mother and I have. I guess things are just different today than when we met on the set of Cockadile Dundee. We'll leave you and....
PETER (rolls eyes)
Abby.
HARRY
Right, Abby. We'll leave you and Abby alone to do whatever you want...or don't want.
PAULA
We love you, Petey, and Abby seems like a wonderful girl. I hope we didn't mess things up for you.
Paula hugs Peter before she and Harry leave to go downstairs. Abby returns as they depart.
ABBY
Was somebody shouting "I am a virgin"?
PETER
Yeah, that was me. Listen, Abby, I'm sorry about all of this. My parents, the Greenbergs, the book, the...dildos. I'm not some kind of freak, and we can take things nice and slow if you want.
ABBY (approaching him)
Peter, that's really sweet, and I appreciate how you're looking out for me. But we've been going out for a while now and...I think we can speed things up a bit.
PETER
Really?
ABBY
In fact, I was just reading Chapter 3 of your mom's book while I was upstairs. She's got some good suggestions. And what was that your father said about the mons pubis?
They start kissing, and Peter reaches over to shut off the light. There's some rustling before they hear two cracks of a whip.
MRS GREENBERG (from downstairs)
You've been a very, very naughty boy.
Peter flips the light back on.
ABBY
How about we go back to my place?
PETER
Sounds good.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Top Ten Tuesdays: Why are we rioting in the streets?
Special extra crowd control edition!
12) Wanted to celebrate a Laker win by treating Los Angeles the way Kobe treats 19-year-old hotel employees.
11) Part of guerilla marketing campaign for new Pepsi Riot energy drink. (Pepsico warns you to riot responsibly.)
10) Release of New Jonas Brothers CD sent "OMG!" levels to uncontrollable highs.
9) Zombie outbreak finally happened.
8) Ate new Volcano Beef Burrito from Taco Bell and couldn't find public restroom in time.
7) Furious that Viagra makes 65-year-old men as horny as 18-year-olds, but still leaves them looking like 65-year-old men.
6) As out-of-work bricklayers, have plenty of time and lots of spare bricks.
5) Heard Obama set up a kissing booth and wanted to be first in line.
4) Playing new multiplayer Nintendo game, Wii Riot. (First aid not included.)
3) FREE DONUTS!!! OUT OF MY WAY OR I WILL CUT YOU!!!
2) Angry that Iranian Supreme Court awarded presidency to George W. Bush.
1) Honestly, we're just here to get a free TV.
12) Wanted to celebrate a Laker win by treating Los Angeles the way Kobe treats 19-year-old hotel employees.
11) Part of guerilla marketing campaign for new Pepsi Riot energy drink. (Pepsico warns you to riot responsibly.)
10) Release of New Jonas Brothers CD sent "OMG!" levels to uncontrollable highs.
9) Zombie outbreak finally happened.
8) Ate new Volcano Beef Burrito from Taco Bell and couldn't find public restroom in time.
7) Furious that Viagra makes 65-year-old men as horny as 18-year-olds, but still leaves them looking like 65-year-old men.
6) As out-of-work bricklayers, have plenty of time and lots of spare bricks.
5) Heard Obama set up a kissing booth and wanted to be first in line.
4) Playing new multiplayer Nintendo game, Wii Riot. (First aid not included.)
3) FREE DONUTS!!! OUT OF MY WAY OR I WILL CUT YOU!!!
2) Angry that Iranian Supreme Court awarded presidency to George W. Bush.
1) Honestly, we're just here to get a free TV.
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