Thursday, April 03, 2008

Smar-T: The Global Clue Positioning System

In a luxurious car, a female investment banker and a male investment banker talk.

MALE BANKER
Wow, I can’t believe you’re really going to quit investment banking.

FEMALE BANKER
The money and security are great, but I want to pursue my dream of going to grad school to study poetry.

A small device on the female banker’s desk lights up and rings.

MALE BANKER
What’s that?

FEMALE BANKER (reaching for the device)
It’s Smar-T, my new GCPS.

MALE BANKER
GCPS?

FEMALE BANKER
Global Clue Positioning System. (She turns on the Smar-T)

SMAR-T (in calm female voice)
Warning! Poverty approaching. Foreclosure, reposession, and student loan default imminent. Final destination: despairing obscurity.

FEMALE BANKER
You know, I could just write my poetry in between mergers. Thanks, Smar-T!

VOICE OVER
Smar-T is the revolutionary new device that gives you direction when you reach the crossroads of life. It delivers the clues you need when you need them most.

Inside a bar, two men, Frank and Benny, talk over beers.

FRANK
So I took your advice, even though Smar-T said not to. I told her I couldn’t deal with sneaking around any more and that she should tell her husband.

BENNY
Hey, you gonna trust your buddy Benny or some stupid piece of plastic? (They clink bottles.) So what does the husband do?

FRANK
He’s a Green Beret.

Frank’s Smar-T beeps.

SMART-T
Caution! Take immediate evasive action.

The door of the bar bursts open. A large man, dressed in full camo gear, scans the tavern.

CAMO MAN
Which one of you is Frank?

Frank extends his arm over Benny’s head and points to his friend. Camo Man grabs Benny and pulls him off the stool. Off camera, Benny starts to shriek.

FRANK
Thanks, Smar-T. I’ll never turn you off again.

VOICE OVER
Smar-T combines the collective wisdom of the greatest thinkers in human history, including: the Torah, the New Testament, the I-Ching, Poor Richard’s Almanac, Wikipedia, Woody Allen, Bill Cosby, Vulcans from every Star Trek intellectual property, everything your mother ever told you, Winston Churchill, and Oprah. Use it for advice on parenting....

A mother and father talk.

MOTHER
How can we be open about sex with the kids without encouraging them to have sex?

SMAR-T
Suggestion: Intersperse discussion with graphic details of sexually transmitted diseases.

FATHER
I like it. Thanks, Smar-T.

SMAR-T
Downloading gonorrhea slides now.

VOICE OVER
finances...

A broker talks on the phone.

BROKER
Yes, I said take all of it out of Bear Stearns and put into JP Morgan. Trust me, a little birdie told me so.

SMAR-T
Insider information complete. Contacting nearest Porsche dealer now.

BROKER
Smar-T, you da man! Or da woman.

VOICE OVER
and relationships...

In a pitch black bedroom, a bed squeaks as a man and woman breathe heavily.

MAN (urgent)
Oh baby, oh baby...

WOMAN
Not yet, not yet.

The Smar-T lights up in the darkness.

SMAR-T
Climax unaligned. Think about baseball.

MAN
A hundred years since the last Cubs World Series...A hundred years since the last Cubs World Series.

The woman cries out and the man follows. They turn the light on and lie breathless under the covers.

MAN and WOMAN (in unison)
We love you, Smar-T!

VOICE OVER
Why trust your decisions to the irrational, emotional, erratic impulses of the human brain? Let Smar-T show you the way to better decision making today.

At the Trinity United Church of Christ, Reverend Jeremiah Wright preaches.

WRIGHT
I say, no, no, no, not God Bless America...

On his pulpit, his Smar-T vibrates. He pauses to listen to the message.

SMAR-T (whispering)
YouTube cliff approaching. White backlash ahead. African American presidential hopes fading.

The congregation leans in, silent, waiting for the Reverend’s next words.

WRIGHT (clears throat)
So, I say no, no, no, not God Bless America. God double-bless America! This is the greatest country on Earth! USA! USA! USA!

The congregation chants along with him. In one pew, Barack Obama turns around, holding up a Smar-T.

OBAMA
And it makes a great gift!

VOICE OVER
Get smart and get Smar-T today!


Original concept by Saying Yes Enterprises.

12 comments:

blue girl said...

Excellent, Brando! And kudos to Jennifer for the original concept.

Jennifer said...

I WANT IT!!! :)

Very funny, Brando. Now you must do the commercial and post it on YouTube. BP and I will help you film while we're on our Midwestern Reign of Terror Art tour.

Mendacious D said...

Awesome.

Can we get one in the White House?

PS I do voiceovers.

billy pilgrim said...

Who, me? I thought that idea was TOTALLY Johnny Rotten.

Me, I'm just sitting here in my culturally-indistinct, corporate-produced suburban drywall mini-manse enjoying several hundred channels of mega-merger video entertainment, focus group tested and refined to eliminate all uncomfortable thoughts.

No futile rear-guard anti-societal actions for me. Two and a half men is on.

Thanks, Smar-T!

billy pilgrim said...

Smar-T: warning. Attacking Iraq will result in extinction of several hundred thousand people, entwining America inextricably in a sectarian civil war, squandering trillions of borrowed dollars...

GWB: Lump, do ya know how ta turn this damn thing off? Sheeit, sounds like my ferkin dad....

Smar-T: Warning. Deregulation of home mortgage and finance industry has led to insolvency. Massive financial failures loomi....

GWB: Han me that lamp. Naw, the heavy one.

crash smash bangbang bang thump squeeeeeeeclick

GWB: heh. I likes breakin stuff. Now Ima horny.

Laura: (using intercom) Could you send up another bottle of Xanax? And some hand lotion?

GWB: Boy Howdy! Jest lahk when Karl was heah!

Laura: Will you for the love of all that's holy just STOP it with the fake cowboy patois already? Fuck.

Kathleen said...

hilarious!!

fish said...

Think of baseball, think of baseball.

Aw shit that made it worse.

Kathleen said...

it's better than "think of wrestling...that made it worse"
hmmmm, this is a whole untapped (ZING) line of inquiry....

"think of decorating...that made it worse"

"think of cake...that made it worse"

"think of Franco...that made it worse"


I can't decide which is more worrying.

Jennifer said...

Oops, sorry BP. You're right, it was Johnny.

Brando said...

Think of Chocolate Skittles...that made it worse.

QED.

Churlita said...

Wow. I wish that had been around when I was in my twenties and dating scary losers....Or now when I'm still doing the exact same thing.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Go Hillary!