13) Learned to pee standing up in order to stump at the urinal.
12) Showed artist’s rendition of Air Force One covered in sponsor decals and a giant number 3.
11) Promised that future 3 a.m. calls to the White House would be answered by bi-curious Monica Lewinsky (charges apply).
10) Promised that future presidential pastors would have to pass the Wayne Brady test.
9) Shotgunned a beer and burped out major policy proposals.
8) Announced that subsequent State of the Union addresses would be performed by Pacino and DeNiro.
7) Vowed to declare the Pittsburgh Pirates a federal disaster area.
6) Revealed running mate would be the King of Queens.
5) Offered to replace national anthem with John Mellencamp’s “This Is Our Country.”
4) Devised a plan to keep the railroad from running through Rock Ridge.
3) Gave away limited edition zubaz pants bearing the presidential seal in the seat.
2) Swore to not only catch Osama bin Laden, but have him impaled by Kiefer Sutherland just seconds before the bomb goes off.
1) Kept a straight face when hearing white guys whine about how they don't have any power.