10) Peace sells, but we’re not sure who’s buying, and that goes against our free market principles.
9) Plus, anything given out by Europeans is not worth accepting, except for Western civilization.
8) No real American would accept a Nobel Prize during a time of war. Wait, who did? Kissinger? Son of a bitch.
7) Okay, no real American-born American, like Reagan. Speaking of which, it’s a crime that Ronald Reagan didn’t receive this award for Star Wars, which should have been called Star Peace, what with all the Freedom Lasers shooting down Commie missiles.
6) Besides, accepting the award is exactly what our enemies want…wait, what? The Taliban condemned the award. Hamas too? Wow, this is awkward…uh, socialism!
5) All right, answer this: How in the world are we going to make the world a better place if we start listening to what the world wishes we would do?
4) Besides, if the Nobel committee wanted to give something meaningful to America, how about some IKEA coupons?
3) Plus, we’re trying to look forward, and blindly supporting the American president with unwavering patriotism is so November 3, 2008.
2) Finally, the last thing this country needs is to be tainted with the stench of peace.
1) Honestly, ran out of things to rant about and had three hours of airtime to fill.