For most of the past 3 billion years, I was a large and unspeakably evil asteroid in orbit between Mars and Jupiter. The foul and hellish blackness of my twisted spirit compelled me to torment and destroy all life, but, despite my powerful gravitational field, I was unable to find any victims in the lifeless vacuum of the asteroid belt. I was lost!
Until I found the Jeff Gannon New Beginnings Career School, that is! They set me up with human-like arms, legs, and a torso, and their crack team of cosmetic experts cunningly papered my black and rocky surface with chicken skin, so that, to all appearances, I was simply a middle-aged man who radiated a palpable aura of malignant cruelty and had a head the size of LA county. Now, as a featured anchor on a popular cable news network, I can satisfy my ancient urge to work awful malice by lying my ass off in order to help ensure that hundreds of millions of people will end their days destitute and alone. I couldn’t be happier, and it’s all thanks to Jeff Gannon!
There's much, much more hilarity to be had, in print and via Photoshop. Read the whole thing.