Republicans object, claim Christ trying to score “political points”
WASHINGTON, DC—In a move unprecedented in the 2,000-year history of Christianity, Jesus Christ has formally sought to separate from one of his followers: President George W. Bush.
“I know he accepted me as his personal savior, but I can’t take it anymore,” Jesus said. “I don’t think he understands how to really love me, or work in my name, and frankly I’m tired of trying to show him how.” The deity spoke through his father’s press secretary, the Burning Bush (no relation to the president).
The Messiah cited Bush’s response to the Katrina disaster as the final straw. “When he picked up that guitar, that was it. I’ve made it pretty clear: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. When the Samaritan found a man left for dead by robbers, he didn’t sing him a song.
“I even told him to just get me to New Orleans, give me a couple loaves and fishes, and I would do the rest. But he patted me on the head and told me that we shouldn’t give them fishes because they would never learn to fish on their own. I had to double-check that he wasn’t speaking in tongues.”
However, the Son of God quickly pointed out that the hurricane response was only the latest in a long line of differences with the President.
“I kept saying, over and over again, blessed are the peacemakers, George. We all know how that turned out. Then there was the time I reminded him that it would be easier for a camel to enter the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. The next day, he drastically lowered the upper tax bracket. So screw it, he’s on his own for salvation.”
Representatives for the administration have disputed the legal grounds for the Divine Separation, claiming that Bush merely has to accept Jesus Christ into his heart to be saved. “The President has abided by the rules of evangelical conversion,” said Scott McClellan, the White House spokesperson. “Christ should do the honorable thing and reciprocate.”
White House political advisor Karl Rove disputed that Christ had even been speaking to Bush about matters such as Iraq and tax cuts. “I wouldn’t go so far as to call the King of Kings a fibber,” said Rove. “But I’ve been with the President during every important decision of his administration. I guarantee you the only voice he’s heard is mine.”
Conservative commentators were even more blunt. “Look, with all due respect, can we afford after 9/11 to listen to a guy who says we should turn the other cheek?” asked Bill O’Reilly on his show, The O’Reilly Factor. “Why doesn't Christ just paint a big bullseye on America?”
“I have heard from two administration sources that Mary Magdalene was actually a secret employee of MoveOn.org,” wrote columnist Robert Novak in The Weekly Standard. “I’m not suggesting that Jesus is evil, but his words and actions appear to be influenced by those who would harm America.”
Despite the outcry over the separation, the Lord does hope there will be a peaceful settlement. “I’m very open,” said Jesus. “I’ve told him that he’s free to see other saviors, and that he can keep all of his material possessions. I just want out of this relationship.”