10) Gathered round the craps table at the boats.
9) Helped grandpa figure out where grandma hid his flask.
8) Let sports do the talking for us.
7) Reminded Uncle Chester that he couldn't play Santa Claus because having young children in his lap would violate his parole.
6) Had a "white Christmas" thanks to cousin Jeffrey, the dealer.
5) Explained to the kids that Santa couldn’t get them an XBox 360 because Bill Gates is a cocksucker.
4) Made venison out of the reindeer that ran over grandma.
3) Warned brother that if he didn't stop watching A Christmas Story for the seventh straight time, we were going to shoot his eye out.
2) Listened to mother say how she gave us the gift of life and that the least we could do to show our gratitude was make her another goddamned Manhattan.
1) Endured another "I told you so" from Dad about Iraq.