Troops recalled from Iraq to save America from secularism; Rumsfeld promises "shock and nog"
WASHINGTON - The United States military launched a multifront counteroffensive in the War on Christmas, targeting the nation's retail battlefronts in an effort to promote Christmas spirit.
The operation began when the Army's Third Armored Infantry rolled into a Birmingham, Alabama, Wal-Mart at dawn, looking for any signs of Vague Holiday Greetings (VHG).
"We're looking for 'Happy Holidays' signs, wishes of 'Seasons Greetings' from the greeters," said Colonel Jake Marley. "Those are tell-tale signs of secular holiday activity."
After conducting a sweep of the area, the Third Armored found "Merry Christmas" signs being used as placemats in the breakroom. Three employees were rounded up and led away, their wrists bound with high-tensile bands of garland.
Speaking on Meet the Press, Vice President Dick Cheney said he expected little resistance. "Christians make up 104 percent of retail managers," the Vice President said. "Yet they must live under the tyranny of having to say 'Happy Holidays,' instead of reminding shoppers that their orgy of spending was made possible by Jesus's birth.
"Honestly, we expect our forces to be greeted as liberators."
Pockets of stiff resistance were met, however. At a Los Angeles Nordstrom department store, a routine Army Ranger patrol in the cosmetics department turned deadly.
Investigating reports of VHGs, the Ranger unit came across an Improvised Holiday Device near the perfume counter. As the Rangers dismantled it, a cosmetics clerk leapt out, yelled "Happy Holidays," and sprayed one of the soldiers with a cloud of unknown blister agent.
The soldiers opened fire, killing three and wounding several others in the adjacent lady's shoe department. The blister agent was later revealed to be Britney Spear's Fantasy.
Analysts said that it would take more than military action to prepare the retail world to accept Christmas.
"Before the retail world can be made ready for Merry Christmas, the moderates in the retail street must denounce this Holidafascism," said the mustache of New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman. Friedman agreed with the analysis of his facial hair, noting that although "Merry Christmas" could offend America's sizeable Jewish population, "history has taught the Jews that they have nothing to fear by cooperating with the Christian majority."
President Bush vowed to remain resolute during the conflict. "The milk and cookies of freedom are under the Christmas tree of liberty. They provide nourishment to Santa Claus, who in turn reminds us of our Christian heritage."
The President also said he would show the world his dedication to Christmas by leaving his tree and decorations up until at least March.