Classroom Bias for Dummies

A Reference for the Left of Us!

All across America, innocent, pure, intellectually hungry college students are being warped by radical liberal professors. Selfless conservative heroes of academic freedom such as David Horowitz and Andrew Jones have attempted to alert America to this Red Cap-and-Gown Menace, but have been thwarted by the Axis of Evidence: the alliance of academia, media, and morality that demand proof when making accusations.

But now you can quiet any and every effete humanities professor and eco-terrorizing science researcher. This handy guide will help you identify if your professor is a fine fellow, or a fellow traveler.

Each of the paired statements below will compare liberal classroom bias to fair and balanced instruction.


Characteristics of your professor

Smells like Phish—Biased
Smells like old money—Not Biased

Looks like Stevie Nicks—Biased
Looks like Steve Forbes—Not Biased

Drives a Volvo—Biased
Drives a Hummer—Not Biased

Favors peasant dresses—Biased
Favors dresses made by peasants—Not Biased

Wears Birkenstocks—Biased
Owns Nike stocks—Not Biased

Teaching style

Citation format: Author, title, place of publication, publisher, year of publication—Biased
Citation format: Book, chapter, verse—Not Biased

Allows students to speak freely—Biased
Allows students to speak about freely about how freedom isn't free—Not Biased

Requires students to raise hands to ask questions—Biased
Requires students to raise hands to hail the professor—Not Biased

American History

“Deep Throat” seriously damaged Nixon’s popularity—Biased
A deep throat didn’t damage Clinton’s popularity enough—Not Biased

The U.S lost Vietnam because it supported corrupt regimes in South Vietnam and failed to win the support of the Vietnamese people—Biased
The U.S lost Vietnam because pussies like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, and listening to your goddamned Beatles albums!—Not Biased

The interning of the Japanese was one of the greatest travesties to American civil liberties—Biased
The interning of the Japanese was like a big, fun trip to camp (that just happened to be mandatory)!—Not Biased

Joseph McCarthy’s wild accusations and lack of evidence eventually led to his disgrace—Biased
It’s a disgrace that Tailgunner Joe doesn’t have his own national holiday—Not Biased

World History

There are two sides to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict—Biased
A Palestinian state will interfere with The Rapture—Not Biased

Homosexuality was commonly accepted among Greek warriors—Biased
Talking about the lengthy javelins of Greek warriors gives me wood—Not Biased

Africa and Latin America have been decimated by imperialism—Biased
Why are we wasting time on Africa and Latin America? Let’s get back to those Greek warriors and their big javelins—Not Biased

Political Science

The system of checks and balances prevents the Executive Branch from assuming too much power—Biased
The system of checks and balances keeps the President from doing God’s will—Not Biased

The Bill of Rights protects our freedoms—Biased
The Bill of Rights gets in the way of freedom—Not biased

There is a wall separating Church and State—Biased
The State should build walls for new Churches—Not Biased

Law

Habeas corpus—Biased
Torturous maximus—Not Biased

Citizens have a right to privacy—Biased
The government has a right to know what citizens are doing in private—Not Biased

Economics

Outsourcing leads to layoffs—Biased
Outsourcing leads to stock options—Not Biased

Tax cuts can produce huge deficits—Biased
Tax cuts can produce huge surpluses...in my portfolio—Not Biased

Literary studies

Literature can teach us much about the how we interact with our fellow men and women—Biased
Literature can teach us much about how college kids are boinking like heathens—Not Biased

Great novelists: Steinbeck, Faulkner, Morisson, Woolf, Ellison—Biased
Great novelists: Rand, Clancy, Gingrich, O’Reilly, and more Rand—Not Biased

Women’s Studies

Required reading: Friedan, Steinem, Woolf, Faludi, de Beauvoir—Biased
Required reading: Schaffley, Coulter, O’Beirne, Dr. Laura, Paul’s First Letter to the Corinthians —Not Biased

Studying women’s contributions to history and culture—Biased
Studying women’s contributions to housekeeping and dinner—Not Biased

Religious Studies

Studying the Bible in the context of other religious texts—Biased
Studying the Bible—Not Biased

African-American Studies

Studying African Americans—Biased
Profiling African Americans—Not Biased

Queer Theory

The study of gay, lesbian, and transgender history and culture—Biased
Another name for Darwinism—Not Biased

Science

We have observed changes throughout the fossil record that suggest evolution—Biased
We have observed everything we need to know in the Book of Genesis—Not Biased

Stem cells could be the key to destroying diseases and infirmities—Biased
Stem cells could be the key to destroying Roe v. Wade—Not Biased

Your paper supporting the President’s science policies gets a bad grade because it lacks originality and was not properly researched—Biased
Your paper supporting the President’s science policies was forwarded to the NASA human resources department—Not Biased


Remember, the great American higher education system was founded on the principle of presenting both sides of an argument. You owe it to your students to give them the truth, and not to let your personal beliefs influence your instruction.