10) As you enter the workforce, don’t even think of gunning for our jobs. We’ll fucking cut you.
9) The qualities that make you the best and brightest minds of your generation will also make you the most delicious and attractive brains during a zombie apocalypse.
8) Don’t think of it as a student loan. Think of it as a career mortgage. Or, for those of you in the humanities, a bar tab.
7) In these uncertain times, many of you may have to move back home with your parents. Take a word of advice that your dorm roommates should have already given: you don’t masturbate as quietly as you think you do.
6) Hard work, a positive attitude, and a commitment to honesty are no match for really juicy blackmail.
5) Thank you for joining us for this VirtualGraduation for the University of Phoenix. If you don’t receive your diplomas at the end of this Webcast, please check your spam folders.
4) When that old roommate that you haven’t talked to since graduation is on the news because the company he founded, based on that idea you guys had at three in the morning that you both agreed would never work, just got bought out by Google, resist the urge to kill yourself.
3) If your band didn’t suck, you would be on tour instead of here.
2) Here are the things that scream, “Don’t hire me!” in order of increasing unemployableness: real mustache, irony mustache, mullet, wife-beater, face tattoos, any clothing tight enough to reveal genital piercings, any mention of your number of Twitter followers, a poetry degree, a visible parasitic twin.
1) With your lives in front of you, it seems like there are a million possibilities. Try lowering that estimate to three, maybe five, tops.