Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we celebrating the Fourth of July?

10) Getting “Don’t tread on me” tattooed on penis.

9) Wearing our best American flag muumuu.

8) Visiting the burn ward after sparklers ignited the chicken grease on our fingers.

7) Using up the expired dip in our fridges because we’ve got health care, bitches!

6) Playing “America the Beautiful” while piloting a drone attack against a villag…er, terrorist stronghold.

5) Listening to our uncle who went to the local state school on the G.I. Bill, worked at Lockheed Martin, and uses his Social Security to buy E85 for his FlexFuel Chrysler complain about government handouts.

4) Remembering the heroic sacrifices and bravery of the colonists by shoving 50 hot dogs in our pie hole while a crowd cheers.

3) Taking a patriotic step toward next year’s pivotal Supreme Court case: First Amendment v. Pants.

2) Heading to the nearest red state where the fireworks-stand-to-Planned-Parenthood ratio is higher than the maximum altitude of a Mongolian Sky Fucker bottle rocket.

1) Downing 13 beers and belching the Declaration of Independence.

11 comments:

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Heh. Summerfest.

Of course, that's the answer to ANY question you might ask me during this time, including "Where did your pants go?", "How old are you?" and "Is this your car?"

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

7) Using up the expired dip in our fridges because we’ve got health care, bitches!

You wouldn't believe the stuff my dad "rescued" from the freezer where we have no power to bring to my sister's place.

Would you believe an expiration date in 2008? Oh you would. O.K., how about 2007?

At least Ötzi the Iceman wasn't in there...
~

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Watching a marathon of communist Andy Griffith shows.

blue girl said...

Would you believe an expiration date in 2008? Oh you would. O.K., how about 2007?

Heck, yeah! When we moved I found cans of green beans in the back of the cupboard MUCH older than that!

Substance McGravitas said...

10) Getting “Don’t tread on me” tattooed on penis.

Speaking for myself I would choose the testicles for this important message, but then I've never been kicked in the cock.

fish said...

Getting “Don’t tread on me” tattooed on penis.

What would I put on the remaining 75%?

Brando said...

OMG, the Andy Griffith link was gold. I can't tell if it is sincere or excellent satire.

I think the snake visual of Don't tread on me makes cock placement ideal for that tattoo.

And to answer fish's question: the Second Amendment.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

but then I've never been kicked in the cock.

"Being kicked in the weiner is no picnic either, Butthead."--Beavis

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

OMG, the Andy Griffith link was gold. I can't tell if it is sincere or excellent satire.

Living in a post "Poe" world, old chum!

fish said...

And to answer fish's question: the Second Amendment.

Dr mrs fish keeps pestering me to get a concealed carry permit. She thinks the open holster is a bit much.

blue girl said...

I feel like I've walked into the boys locker room!

Oh! Excuse me! Sorry... *trips, falls over someone's towel* ... Ooops, sorry. Ok, bye!