10) Getting “Don’t tread on me” tattooed on penis.
9) Wearing our best American flag muumuu.
8) Visiting the burn ward after sparklers ignited the chicken grease on our fingers.
7) Using up the expired dip in our fridges because we’ve got health care, bitches!
6) Playing “America the Beautiful” while piloting a drone attack against a villag…er, terrorist stronghold.
5) Listening to our uncle who went to the local state school on the G.I. Bill, worked at Lockheed Martin, and uses his Social Security to buy E85 for his FlexFuel Chrysler complain about government handouts.
4) Remembering the heroic sacrifices and bravery of the colonists by shoving 50 hot dogs in our pie hole while a crowd cheers.
3) Taking a patriotic step toward next year’s pivotal Supreme Court case: First Amendment v. Pants.
2) Heading to the nearest red state where the fireworks-stand-to-Planned-Parenthood ratio is higher than the maximum altitude of a Mongolian Sky Fucker bottle rocket.
1) Downing 13 beers and belching the Declaration of Independence.