Thursday, June 28, 2012

Supreme Court Decision on Health Care Triggers Epidemic of Spontaneous Head Explosions Among Conservatives

CDC says the “batshit crazy” and those participating in anonymous, unprotected “tea parties” most at risk

FREEDOMVILLE – Across the United States, computer screens, smartphones, televisions, and tinfoil hats are awash with blood as the Supreme Court upheld President Obama’s health care mandate as constitutional.

Conservative blogger Michelle Malkin, one of the fiercest opponents to “Obamacare,” was also one of its highest profile victims. After months of crowing that the Supreme Court would “overturn the greatest threat to liberty since Will & Grace,” Ms. Malkin was eagerly live-blogging the decision. “Get ready for a slice of humble pie, traitors,” she typed. Moments later, she wrote, “Wait, what? UGGGGHHH!!!!” Many of her followers became suspicious because that line was much more literate than her usual postings, and they alerted authorities.

Police arrived to find a grisly scene. Ms. Malkin’s body was found at her blood-spattered computer, head gone, her hands still on the “Shift” and “1” keys. Police found no evidence of foul play but were baffled at what happened.

Similar scenes appeared at Fox News, the Wall Street Journal, conservative think tanks, country clubs, prep schools, and basements housing most conservative blog offices. Police again noticed no evidence of break in, violence, or insertion of air pumps into ear canals, which had explained an earlier rash of cranial fractures at the conservative Web site Townhall.

However, things came more clearly into focus when police were called to the offices of The National Review. After fielding numerous calls about popping sounds and a horrid stench, authorities walked into a nightmare crime scene. Nearly every staffer lay headless, their computers or phones open to the decision, some in the middle of tweets. Only one person remained alive, writer Jonah Goldberg, who had not yet read about the decision as he in the midst of his morning ritual of masturbating to hentai. After climaxing, Mr. Goldberg walked into the middle of the offices and saw the carnage, collapsing into a fetal heap. An examination of the seat of his pants also revealed him to be the source of the smell.

One veteran police officer noted a striking similarity to an incident that occurred at The National Review after the Brown v. Board of Education ruling. He alerted the Center for Disease Control.

Dr. Richard Scanner, a forensic psychologist assigned by the CDC to examine the evidence, noted that the explosions were the result of a perfect storm of hubris, ignorance, and cognitive dissonance. “What happened is that you had a large number of people who were 100 percent confident this law would be overturned, creating high levels of arrogance, and that arrogance reached explosive levels after being amplified in the right-wing echo chamber. But then the actually ruling came, sending a shockwave through that same echo chamber, and pewwww, it’s like the front row at a Gallagher show.”

Some high-profile conservatives were able to avoid this spontaneous decapitation. Taking a precaution recommended by former head of homeland security Tom Ridge, Fox News host Sean Hannity preemptively wrapped his head in duck tape, which kept his head together, but also led to suffocation. Washington Post columnist and noted golem Charles Krauthammer avoided explosion due to his head being made of stone, although he reported some minor fracturing and a “bit of a migraine.” And former vice-presidential candidate and spokeswoman for the conservative spank-bank industry Sarah Palin appeared to be functioning normally, sending her incomprehensible tweets as normal. Dr. Scanner postulated that Ms. Palin may have been spared due to her brain being “mostly inert gas.”

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney did not escape so easily, however. Responding to the decision at a press conference, Mr. Romney was only able to say, “1-00-1-00-1,” before there was a loud clicking in his head and his face changed to a Blue Screen of Death. His IT staff are reportedly working on a patch.

There is no word yet whether the health care law will cover spontaneous decapitation.


zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Wow, did you have four different versions cued up, like that congresscritter?

Also, somebody check John Roberts; he's obviously no longer operating to spec.

Really funny. Dick Scanner: a dick joke AND a movie reference!

Brando said...

I did not have it pre-written, actually. Just the feeling of the muse. Or maybe that was jock itch.

As for Dick Scanner, that's the kind of high quality comedy CJSD, Ltd., guarantees or your money back.

Brando said...

It also made me wonder how many times I've use "Richard" as the first name for a fictional person in a news story.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

the muse pooped on your head.

Brando said...

A muse once bit my sister....

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I am especially LAFFING at the butthurt conservatives who are threatening to move to Canada to escape the Socialist Health Care Tyranny.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

t also made me wonder how many times I've use "Richard" as the first name for a fictional person in a news story.

By my count, at least once in every story.

I look forward to the Dick Singularity where every character is named Richard.

Neil Helmer said...

on behalf of my fellow Canadians, I would just like to post notice that we are not accepting any disgruntled Republicans at this time, for their own safety and ours. The strangely unoppressive and highly taxed environment here would surely set off a more volatile second round of explosions.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Also, somebody check John Roberts; he's obviously no longer operating to spec.

He's playing the long con. Don't misunderestimate that evil bastard.

Brando said...

Neil, it was the strangest reaction I've heard to this. Like them saying they would marry someone of the same sex if gay marriage was made legal nationwide, just to prove a point.

Substance McGravitas said...

Unoppressive? It's raining AGAIN.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

He's playing the long con.

I understand your paranoia, but there has been no evidence that he possesses the intelligence.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Try this, zrm.

The Commerce Clause was used to justify the New Deal and the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Police arrived to find a grisly scene. Ms. Malkin’s body was found at her blood-spattered computer, head gone, her hands still on the “Shift” and “1” keys.

Shya, that just means she's out getting a snack.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Since I refuse to destroy another thread by arguing with thunderpants,

of interest to Brando:
yes, you could use the term thunderpants. But I won't.

Click Here said...

Thank you very much for that great article.