Special high capacity 12-gauge edition!
12) Whoah, back off! You’re way to close to home! Don’t make me shoot you!
11) Oh, it’s just you. Sorry about that. There’s a lot of crazies with guns out there, so you can’t be too careful about who you might have to shoot. Good thing these babies have safeties or I’d have had another “accidental” shooting on my hands. Plus your trigger finger gets really slippery when it’s covered in blood.
10) Look, if we outlaw guns, only criminals will have them. It doesn't make any sense to ban something when you can’t effectively enforce that ban.
9) Except drugs, of course. And national borders. And speeding. And sodomy. And stealing office supplies.
8) It’s also why we should develop more law-abiding gun owners by giving kids firearms. The sooner they start, the sooner they can start acting responsibly.
7) Of course, this doesn't at all apply to drinking. Or driving. Or voting. Or military service. Or buying lottery tickets. Those things are too dangerous for kids, unlike firearms.
6) Besides, look at countries that have a lot of gun ownership and don’t have gun violence. Like Canada. They should be our models.
5) Except for health care. Or social welfare. Or pronunciation. Or milk containers.
4) Finally, it doesn't matter. The Second Amendment guarantees the right to bear arms. The Supreme Court has upheld that. And the Constitution and the Supreme Court are never wrong.
3) Except about slavery. And women's equality. And drinking. And maybe income taxes, ‘cause income taxes suck. AmIrite?
2) Plus, guns don’t kill people. People kill people. Especially people with guns. Wait, that came out wrong.
1) Hmm, looks like we’ve backed ourselves into a corner a bit here about solving gun violence. I guess we’ll just a have to shoot our way out.