Thursday, June 25, 2009

We Have Ways of Making You Talk, Eh?

Somewhere in Canada....

In a dark prison, a military man, COLONEL LaTRIENNE, leads a hooded, shackled prisoner down a hall.

Welcome back to Canada, you terrorist scum.

Nice to be back. I'm not much of a hot weather guy, so I'm really glad to be back in a temperate climate.

Silence! Listen, you may think you've got it easy by coming back here from Guantanamo, but you're about to learn that we Canadians are not all "please" and "thank you."

LaTrienne stops before a door and unlocks it. He pushes the prisoner into an interrogation room. Two soldiers, LEE and LIFESON, sit at a table, playing cards.

Ha, go fish!


The men drop the cards and awkwardly come to their feet and salute. LaTrienne pulls the hood off the prisoner.

Privates Lee and Lifeson, this is Farid al-Haziz.

My friends call me Fred.

Hey, Fred.

LaTRIENNE (reaching over to twist Fred's left nipple)


Men, this prisoner is a suspected terrorist, and we need to interrogate him. I want you to find out what he knows about any terrorist plans to attack Canada.

Attack Canada?

Fred, Lee, Lifeson all laugh together.

What, do they hate us for our Tim Hortons?

They laugh again, but LaTrienne twists Fred's other nipple, which silences the men.

LaTRIENNE (shoving Fred toward the privates)
Find out what he knows. Use any means necessary.

LaTrienne leaves.

Twenty minutes later, LaTrienne comes back to the door. He hears sobbing, and a voice say, "No, I don't want to talk anymore." LaTrienne smiles as he walks in. But the smile turns into a snarl when he sees Fred hugging a sobbing Lifeson.

It's okay, man, my dad was a real bastard too. Just let it out.

LaTrienne pulls them apart.

Sacrebleu! What is this, Oprah? Now get some information out of him!

LaTrienne turns to leave, but not before turning around and twisting Fred's nipples. He laughs as Fred cries out, and then leaves.

Man, what is that guy's problem?

He's from Quebec.

Thirty minutes elapse. LaTrienne returns to the room and enters. Lee and Lifeson stand by Fred at a water-filled barrel. Fred's head is under the water.

Ah ha! Now we are getting somewhere!

Fred pulls his head up, holding an apple with his teeth.

Man, Fred wins again. How can you hold your breath under water for so long?

FRED (spitting the apple out)
I had a lot of practice during my previous detention.

LaTrienne marches into the room. Fred instinctively covers his nipples.

I am going to say this one time: I have to leave for two hours. When I return, I want to know everything this man knows. If you do not extract that information...

Lee and Lifeson lean in.

Go on.

LaTrienne twists his nipple.

Owwww. Man, Fred, you're not kidding, that really hurts.

LaTRIENNE (holding up two fingers)
Two hours. Find out everything.

LaTrienne turns around and leaves. Lee and Lifeson huddle together.

How are we going to make him talk? I don't want to, you know, hurt him.

I've got an idea. They say you can catch more flies with honey...

I thought that was bears?

Just let me handle this. (He turns to Fred.) Fred, I've got a proposal for you.

The hands on the clock begin to spin. Lee, Lifeson, and Fred play "Tom Sawyer" on Rock Band, with Fred on drums. Fred flails at the end of the song and fails.

Ha, beat you. Okay, start talking.

The hands spin again. Fred kneels on the floor with a beer bong in his mouth while Lifeson pours LaBatt's into the funnel. Fred starts to chug but can't get it all down, getting beer all over his face. The three share a hearty laugh as Fred starts talking again.

The hands spin another time. The three sit at a table playing Trivial Pursuit: Canadian Edition.

Oh, I should know this. Is it Honeymoon Suite?

No, the correct answer is Glass Tiger. You owe us some more intel.

The clock hands advance and stop. LaTrienne walks back into the room. Lee and Lifeson stand over Fred, who looks exhausted and defeated.

So, were you successful?

Were we!

Excellent. Tell me everything you know.

Okay, Fred here is a Pisces. He's not supposed to eat pork but he loves back bacon, he has every single SCTV episode on tape, and under extreme pressure, he'll admit to owning every Bryan Adams record. And check this out: he's from Ottawa and it turns out we once dated the same girl during the same week.

What are the odds, eh?

LaTRIENNE (running his hand down his face in frustration)
That's what you learned? Nothing about his plans to attack Canada?

Lifeson giggles but sees LaTrienne's face and stifles it.

Yeah, he says he's not a terrorist. Oh, but he hates hockey. That's kind of weird, eh?

LaTRIENNE (thinking)
Really? Wait here.

LaTrienne leaves the room for a moment.

LIFESON (high-fiving Lee and Fred)
Nice job.

Hey, Fred, sorry we had to get a little rough on you there.

No problem, guys.

LaTrienne returns with two hockey sticks and a puck. He gives the sticks to Lee and Lifeson.

Privates, you have done a great job today. I think you can relax with a little floor hockey. You two versus Fred.

He tosses Fred the puck. As soon as Fred touches it, Lee and Lifeson are on him, checking and swatting with the sticks. Fred tries to escape but they pursue him off screen.

Ow, no, not with the stick!

LaTRIENNE (pulling a whistle from his pocket)
Just let me know when you're ready to talk, Fred.

Fred cries out in pain. As LaTrienne smiles, the puck flies in and hits LaTrienne in the face, knocking him to the floor.

LaTRIEENE (weakly)
I should have joined the Foreign Legion.


Mendacious D said...

Being forced to drink Labatt is a special torture, reserved only for our most dangerous prisoners.

The rest are normally forced to go moose curling.

Adorable Girlfriend said...


I know not of what you speak.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I used to only learn about Canada from TV

The innert00bz are great!


Kathleen said...

this skit sponsored by Molson.

Jennifer said...

No Celine shaking him all night long??

Brando said...

Ha, I wish I had thought of that, Jennifer.