10) Guzzling a bottle of Beam before the bikini wax.
9) Performing self-liposuction using a steak knife and a Dust Buster.
8) Taping down the sides of our Speedo to avoid another "peek-a-boo" incident.
7) Using leftover can of tan Sherman Williams paint as bronzer.
6) Welcoming our skin moles back from hibernation.
5) Paying someone who is in shape to be our beach double.
4) Microwaving face in order to get first sunburn out of the way.
3) Spending a month eating only broccoli that's salted with our bitter, overweight tears.
2) Sharpening our lawn mower blades before shaving our backs.
1) Standing naked in front of a mirror until desire to go to the beach passes.