Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Bush Warns Iraqis: "Don’t Make Me Pull This Reconstruction Over"
WASHINGTON - In the harshest tone yet used by the President, George W. Bush today sent a stern message to the Iraqi people.
"I’ve had just about enough," said the President at a hastily assembled press conference. "Now you either knock it off, or I swear to my God, I’ll pull this reconstruction over and come back there.
"And believe me, if I do, you’ll learn the real meaning of insurgency."
First Lady Laura Bush, standing beside the President, whispered something inaudible into his ear. "No, Laura, we’ve already given them numerous time outs, and all they did was use them to build Improvised Explosive Devices."
The President began the journey with Iraq toward reconstruction in 2003. After some initial quiet, the Iraqis grew fidgety, then restless, then openly rebellious. Consulting with some prominent behavioral experts, the President tolerated this at first, believing that the backtalk, looting, and gathering of weapons would cease if he just ignored it.
Instead, the misbehaving escalated. Once the Shiites and Sunnis began hitting each other, the President lashed out, spanking both with machine gun belts.
Shiites and Sunnis protested the punishment, claiming the other had started it. Sunnis accused Shiites of hogging all the democracy, while Shiites said Sunnis kept hitting them with shrapnel.
"I don’t care who started it, I’m going to finish it," President Bush growled. "I have to listen to this crap every day. I get calls at work, bad reports, security forces showing up at my door at all hours of the night. I’m sick of it, and it’s going to stop! One more peep, and I’m taking away your allowance."
Reached for comment, Shiites scoffed at the President’s threat under their breath. "He can’t take away our allowance, he needs us to take out the trash. Otherwise he’d have to get off his stupid duff and do it himself.
"But don’t tell him we said that," the Shiites added.
Sunnis were even more defiant. "The old man isn’t gonna do shit," they replied. "What’s he gonna do, put Saddam back in charge? Ooh, we’re so scared." The Sunnis then high-fived each other.
While many place blame for the problem with the sassy Sunnis and Shiites, others believe the real blame lies with the Administration and their handling of the situation. Dr. Joseph "Skip" Riggins at the Institute for American Expansion believes that the Bush Administration enabled the Iraqi factions to become out of control.
"It’s a clear case of mollycoddling," said Dr. Riggins. "The Administration mollycoddled them during the invasion. They mollycoddled them during the building of the security forces. They mollycoddled them during the formation of a provisional government. Do you know what that makes them?"
"Mollycoddlers?" answered his colleague, Dr. Larry Hockett.
"Mollycoddlers," repeated Dr. Riggins.
Perhaps in response to such critics, President Bush reaffirmed his commitment to whipping the Iraqis into shape. "I don’t care if it takes all night. I don’t care if it takes all year. They will behave. And so help me, if they don’t, I’ll make them both join the Iraqi security forces. That’ll fix the problem."