Friday, January 13, 2006

Are You a Supreme Shoe-in or a Conservative Castaway?

Find out with this Republican Nominee Confirmation Quiz!

You’ve been nominated to fill a vacancy in the greatest court in the world. But now comes the real trial: facing those mean liberal Senators and all their pesky questions that make your spouse and Baby Jesus cry. Will your confirmation seem more pro forma or pro boner? Take the quiz and tally your score.

1. How would you describe your feelings about affirmative action?
a) Minorities should have the same rights as everyone.
b) Minorities should have the same rights as other minorities.
c) Minorities should cream and buff your golf shoes with a fine chamois, chop chop!

2. Should gay marriage be legal?
a) That question is best left up to the states.
b) That question is best left up to the straights.
c) Gay couples give me the shakes.

3. How would you rule if the constitutionality of abortion came before the court?
a) I believe the principle of stare decisis indicates it should remain legal.
b) I am going to answer the question by saying "stare decisis" over and over again until you pass out.
c) I would rule against it based on the stare decisis of the Book of Judges.

4. When should the government be allowed to exercise eminent domain?
a) When such seizures benefit the entire community.
b) When such seizures don't affect my community.
c) When such seizures involve a woman’s womb.

5. What powers should the President have in conducting the War on Terror?
a) Only those explicitly laid out in the Constitution.
b) Only those explicitly implied, hinted at, inferred, or written in invisible ink on the Constitution.
c) Only the power to ignore the Constitution.

6. What are your feelings on the separation of Church and State?
a) People should be free to practice their religion, but not impose their religion on others.
b) People should be free to wish others a "Merry Christmas" without encountering the secular Spanish Inquisition.
c) The State should revive the Spanish Inquisition and give it a healthy tax break.

7. What types of speech should NOT be protected under the First Amendment?
a) Speech that directly endangers the lives of others.
b) Speech that directly causes me to blush.
c) Speech that directly endangers the political life of my Lord and Savior, George W. Bush.

8. How do you view laws that place qualifications on the Second Amendment right to bear arms?
a) As long as overall gun ownership is not banned, I will rule that restrictions such as waiting periods or local bans on specific firearms are legal.
b) I will only support such restrictions when they pry my gavel out of my cold, dead hand.
c) I’ll view them through the scope of a high powered rifle.

9. What are your views on capital punishment?
a) It should be abolished as it is not only cruel, but proven to be an ineffective deterrent.
b) It is an unfortunate but necessary means to punish those who can’t afford good lawyers.
c) Nothing makes my gavel rise like the thought of a good stoning.

10. Should we curtail civil liberties to combat terrorism?
a) Absolutely not—we’re fighting terror to protect our civil liberties.
b) Absolutely not for people of my race, economic strata, and political affiliation.
c) Your asking of this question tells me you should be detained for questioning.

Scoring and rankings

Golden Gavel—judicious, moderate, considerate... how did you even get nominated? Unfortunately, while Democrats will fall over themselves to confirm you, Republicans will likely piss all over your back and make sure the only bench you're waiting for is at the Greyhound station.

Jurist Prudish—even though you’ve got a bug up your bench and your judicial briefs in a wad, you seem more nance than Nazi. Congratulations on keeping your real opinions under wraps until after you’re confirmed.

Radioactivist Judge—adjourn to the nearest fallout shelter, because the nuclear option is about to hit. Your bench has too much (John) Birch and your rulings reveal too much Revelations. But cheer up! If you’re willing to to relocate, there's an opening in a legal system you'd be perfect for.


Elise said...

The only problem with the results is that I think both the middle AND high-scoring options would get confirmed at this point. Until the Dems can find their collective spine, even complete wackos (viz., to wit: Alito) will sail through the confirmation process.

But thanks for the giggle, anyway.

Brando said...

elise, a person has to dream that a completely batshit crazy conservative won't play a major role in shaping American law for, I don't know, three or four decades (depending on one's addiction level to say, McMuffins).

But yeah, I know he's getting in. At least I'll have a lot to make fun of.