After spending a little more than two years giving the Golden State a golden shower, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s political career looks like the tail end of his Hollywood one—an expensive flop that can’t go straight to video fast enough. But how does Arnold the Actor stack up against Arnold the Governor? We go to the tape to decide.
Hasta la vista, baby!
El deficit es muy grande! Que lastima!
WINNER: ACTOR. It’s the catchphrase that launched 1000 hacks.
Greasiest Body Part
WINNER: GOVERNOR. At least with greasy palms, there’s the potential to get something in return.
WINNER: PUSH. Six pack looks better, but doesn’t have the unintentional comedy of Will Farrell’s gut slapped on Arnold’s body.
Methods of Execution
Guns, swords, Tom Arnold jokes
Leaving the phone off the hook when the courthouse calls
WINNER: ACTOR. At the very least, Governor Schwarzenegger could be there to throw the switch and make a pithy comment. “Remember when I promised to grant you clemency, Tookie? I lied.”
Hunted by them
Haunted by them
WINNER: ACTOR. Back then, he only had to worry about one alien disappearing into the landscape.
Men should carry their fetuses to term
Still in development
WINNER: GOVERNOR. Staying out of the crosshairs of the Mother of All Issues is impressive. Junior should have been left on the doorstep.
Let me in!
Fuck you, assholes
WINNER: ACTOR. The union-regulated coffee breaks gave him plenty of time to juice up those muscles.
Most Ostentatious Display of Wealth
Jet he received as payment for Terminator 2
WINNER: GOVERNOR. You can’t put a price on nailing a Kennedy (unless you’re blackmailing one).
WINNER: GOVERNOR. Empty coffers don’t cause collateral damage to the frontal lobe.
Taking the job
WINNER: GOVERNOR. No one wins eating a $14 burger while sitting next to Ernest Borgnine's sweat-stained t-shirt.
WINNER: ACTOR. Feinstein may be a little red, but she’s no Sonja.
Status of Jim Belushi Relationship
WINNER: PUSH. The Governor would win if he extradicted the According to Jim star to Telemundo.
“Am I Quaid, or am I Hauser?”
Am I a maverick Republican, or am I a GOP tool?
WINNER: ACTOR. As either Quaid or Hauser, he got to sleep with Sharon Stone.
The T800 needs wrinkle cream
Conan the Destroyed
WINNER: ACTOR. Although by the time Terminator 4 comes out, he may also need a little Viagra to complete the Rise of the Machines.
FINAL WINNER: ACTOR
There's no contest here, we'd rather watch the Ah-nuld on the silver screen than on C-SPAN. Which proves a key point: if you’ve already worked with chimps, congratulations, you’re ready to be governor of California—or at the very least, mayor of Carmel. If you’ve worked with Jesse Ventura, you’re better off making The Running Man 2 than running for office.
A CJSD Original Rip-Off Production.