After spending a little more than two years giving the Golden State a golden shower, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s political career looks like the tail end of his Hollywood one—an expensive flop that can’t go straight to video fast enough. But how does Arnold the Actor stack up against Arnold the Governor? We go to the tape to decide.
Spanish-Based Catchphrase
ACTOR
Hasta la vista, baby!
GOVERNOR
El deficit es muy grande! Que lastima!
WINNER: ACTOR. It’s the catchphrase that launched 1000 hacks.
Greasiest Body Part
ACTOR
Lats
GOVERNOR
Palms
WINNER: GOVERNOR. At least with greasy palms, there’s the potential to get something in return.
Ab Status
ACTOR
Six pack
GOVERNOR
Baker’s dozen
WINNER: PUSH. Six pack looks better, but doesn’t have the unintentional comedy of Will Farrell’s gut slapped on Arnold’s body.
Methods of Execution
ACTOR
Guns, swords, Tom Arnold jokes
GOVERNOR
Leaving the phone off the hook when the courthouse calls
WINNER: ACTOR. At the very least, Governor Schwarzenegger could be there to throw the switch and make a pithy comment. “Remember when I promised to grant you clemency, Tookie? I lied.”
Aliens
ACTOR
Hunted by them
GOVERNOR
Haunted by them
WINNER: ACTOR. Back then, he only had to worry about one alien disappearing into the landscape.
Abortion Stance
ACTOR
Men should carry their fetuses to term
GOVERNOR
Still in development
WINNER: GOVERNOR. Staying out of the crosshairs of the Mother of All Issues is impressive. Junior should have been left on the doorstep.
Union Stance
ACTOR
Let me in!
GOVERNOR
Fuck you, assholes
WINNER: ACTOR. The union-regulated coffee breaks gave him plenty of time to juice up those muscles.
Most Ostentatious Display of Wealth
ACTOR
Jet he received as payment for Terminator 2
GOVERNOR
Maria Shriver
WINNER: GOVERNOR. You can’t put a price on nailing a Kennedy (unless you’re blackmailing one).
Worst Performance
ACTOR
Collateral Damage
GOVERNOR
California coffers
WINNER: GOVERNOR. Empty coffers don’t cause collateral damage to the frontal lobe.
Biggest Mistake
ACTOR
Planet Hollywood
GOVERNOR
Taking the job
WINNER: GOVERNOR. No one wins eating a $14 burger while sitting next to Ernest Borgnine's sweat-stained t-shirt.
Female Nemesis
ACTOR
Brigitte Nielson
GOVERNOR
Dianne Feinstein
WINNER: ACTOR. Feinstein may be a little red, but she’s no Sonja.
Status of Jim Belushi Relationship
ACTOR
Co-star
GOVERNOR
Subject
WINNER: PUSH. The Governor would win if he extradicted the According to Jim star to Telemundo.
Identity Crisis
ACTOR
“Am I Quaid, or am I Hauser?”
GOVERNOR
Am I a maverick Republican, or am I a GOP tool?
WINNER: ACTOR. As either Quaid or Hauser, he got to sleep with Sharon Stone.
Future Prognosis
ACTOR
The T800 needs wrinkle cream
GOVERNOR
Conan the Destroyed
WINNER: ACTOR. Although by the time Terminator 4 comes out, he may also need a little Viagra to complete the Rise of the Machines.
FINAL WINNER: ACTOR
There's no contest here, we'd rather watch the Ah-nuld on the silver screen than on C-SPAN. Which proves a key point: if you’ve already worked with chimps, congratulations, you’re ready to be governor of California—or at the very least, mayor of Carmel. If you’ve worked with Jesse Ventura, you’re better off making The Running Man 2 than running for office.
A CJSD Original Rip-Off Production.
No comments:
Post a Comment