Monday, November 21, 2005

What kind of conservative blogger are you?

Recently, conservative bloggers from around the Internet have banded together to form Open SoresSource Media (OSM), the largest collection of Bush lovers since Lilith Fair. They recently had a launch party in New York City:

OSM founders Charles Johnson (standing) of Little Green Footballs and Roger L. Simon welcome two new bloggers.

OSM plans to be a big virtual tent, like a circus with less lions and more clowns. But not just any clowns, clowns from across the political spectrum:

From academics, professionals and decorated experts, to ordinary citizens sitting around the house opining in their pajamas, our community of bloggers are among the most widely read and influential citizen journalists out there, and our roster will be expanding daily.

Before you grab your keyboard and tinfoil hat, it’s a good idea to find out if you’re the right kind of citizen journalist OSM is looking for. After all, you could be a poser from Daily Kos or a very bored Al Gore. So take this quiz to find out what kind of conservative blogger you are. Remember, there are no wrong answers, only “right” ones!

1. You are:
a) A minority.
b) White.
c) A minority that wishes you were white and hates other minorities more than most white people.

2. How would you describe your relationship with Jesus?
a) Strong but private. I will discuss my religion openly but respect the beliefs of others.
b) Almost as close as my relationship with my accountant.
c) Like my T-shirt says, “Jesus is my homeboy.”

3. How do you earn a living?
a) Salary
b) Trust fund
c) Allowance

4. How would you describe your blogging philosophy?
a) Try to understand both sides of an issue so you can make a stronger argument.
b) Accentuate the latest GOP talking points with words like "indeed."
c) Deflect criticism by discussing Michael Moore’s waistline.

5. You drive by a terrible car accident and see Ted Kennedy lying face down in a pool of water. What do you do?
a) Stop, drag him out and give him CPR. After all, we're all human.
b) Don’t stop but do call for help from the On-Star system in your Hummer.
c) Stop, pull down his pants, and write “Remember Chappaquiddick” on each butt cheek.

Imagine you and the State of Israel are on a date. You:
a) Buy dinner and ask Israel to be a little nicer to the Palestinian girl no one likes.
b) Buy dinner and then ask for a blowjob from Israel in return.
c) Beg to give Israel a blowjob under the dinner table.

7. When you see a picture of Bill Clinton, you:
a) Shake your head at how he let his personal vices taint the White House.
b) Wail and gnash your teeth thinking about how he gave your hard-earned money to ungrateful minorities.
c) Recite all the people he and Hillary had MURDERED and demand to know WHY THE MEDIA ISN’T TALKING ABOUT THIS?

8. You’re out Christmas shopping and a clerk wishes you “Happy Holidays.” How do you respond?
a) Smile and say, “Merry Christmas.”
b) Frown and growl, “Merry Christmas.”
c) Radio in the coordinates of the store to Bill O’Reilly so he can call in an air strike.

9. George Bush is:
a) A good man who has unfortunately made some missteps.
b) A good man who could have avoided those missteps if those pesky Democratic Congressmen would stop exercising their Constitutional authority.
c) Jesus’s homeboy.

10. Capitalism:
a) Is the economic system of all free people.
b) Is your Viagra.
c) Is mandated by the New Testament. Seriously.

11. Church and state should be:
a) Allowed to co-exist peacefully, each respecting the rights of the other.
b) Finishing each other’s sentences like a married couple.
c) Stuck together like dogs in heat.

12. Arabs should:
a) Be more cooperative with Americans so that peace will flourish in the Middle East.
b) Not take collateral damage so personally.
c) Be glowing in the dark from the fallout.

13. Torture is:
a) Something that makes America look bad.
b) No worse than your fraternity hazing.
c) Arousing.

14. How would you describe your views on abortion?
a) It’s wrong, but is a personal decision and should be legal.
b) It’s wrong and should be illegal, despite its theoretical potential to lower black crime rates.
c) It’s wrong and should be illegal, but hopefully that won’t happen because it’s the source of your side’s political power.

15. Homosexual marriage:
a) Is an issue best left to the states and not worthy of a Constitutional amendment.
b) Is a great way to distract voters from real issues.
c) Makes you think of hot, sweaty, throbbing gay sex...which is WRONG because it’s sooo naughty and makes it REALLY HARD for you to have sex with your wife. That's why we need a Constitutional amendment.

16. The War on Terror is:
a) A tough, hard slog.
b) Necessary to keep gas under $3.00 a gallon.
c) Necessary to bring about the Tribulation.

17. Iraq’s actual WMD program:
a) Was not advanced, but also not the main motivation for the invasion.
b) Was the best thing that ever happened to your Halliburton options.
c) Was moved to Syria on some kind of Russian-made stealth camel.

18. Gun control legislation:
a) Would violate the Second Amendment.
b) Would just encourage minorities to commit more crimes.
c) Would make it harder to form private militias for the purpose of shooting Mexicans crossing the border.

19. Terri Shaivo:
a) Was used as political pawn by the right-to-die crowd.
b) Never would have been in trouble if her portfolio had contained more tobacco stocks.
c) Was struck down by God to make a point about the sanctity of life.

20. The deficit:
a) Needs to be addressed.
b) Could be fixed by eliminating welfare, social security, and all the other programs that help people not starve to death.
c) Is not nearly as important as preventing beefy, muscled, girthy homos from sodomizing each other. Repeatedly, and in large groups. While you are forced to watch.


Give yourself the following score for each answer:


20-25 Vichy French
Why don’t you take your rational, intelligent, bi-partisan demeanor and go fuck yourself?

26-40 Compassionate Conservative
What is this, an election year? You need less Luke and more Leviticus.

41-55 Capital Con
You like your bottom line black and your friends white. Not only do you believe you should teach a man how to fish so he can eat for life, but that you should make a tidy profit on the pole and tackle. Please join us in the OSM BLOGJAM.

56+ True Believer
You won't get left behind. You’ve got the Holy Trinity of the Ten Commandments, tax cuts, and terrorist torture on your side. Compromise is for the weak, and weakness is a sin, so praise the Lord, pass the ammunition, and plug that feeding tube back in. When can you start writing for us?

And don't worry, vivid fantasies of hot gay sex are only sinful if you’re on top.

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