*Bonus deleted inside jokes.
12) Chopped up fornicating teenagers.
11) Wore same costume from last Halloween, National Guardsman on Extended Deployment.
10) Horrified by brutal remake of The Fog.
9) Locked inside House of Born-Again Parents Who Forbid Trick-or-Treating.
8) Channeled power of Satan to deliver second Ace on the turn and vanquish pocket Kings.*
7) Spiked the Halloween punch with spikes.
6) Frightened uteruses nationwide with our new judicial nominee.
5) Cleaned tricky egg yolks off the front door after giving out fruit treats.
4) Pursued by terrifying, relentless special prosecutor.
3) Stuck pins in our Kirkus Reviews Voodoo Doll.*
2) Found out the hard way that gal in kitty costume was actually a tomcat.
1) Used Ouija Board to compose this week’s GOP talking points.