Thursday, November 03, 2005

Dear Brando: Loyal employee questions whether to put ass on the line for boss

I am in a real pickle. I was recently indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice. I know what I did was wrong and that I broke the law. However, I did it because I was protecting my boss. He’s been really great to me and lets me take on a lot of responsibilities I’m not technically supposed to have. When I told him what was happening, he said he could talk to his boss and probably get me out of jail if I get convicted. Should I come clean and save myself, or keep his name out of it and hope he can set me free?
Scootin’ Toward the Slammer

Dear Scootin’:
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from The Shawshank Redemption, it’s that prison isn’t like it is in the movies. It’s a tough place where you could be forced to tar roofs in the summer or do the guards’ tax returns or give up your butt cherry to other prisoners in the laundry. That goes double if you’re a thin, educated white guy with a kid’s nickname.

With that in mind, there’s a good chance you will get traded around the cell block for a pack of smokes or an extra serving of meat loaf. My advice: cut a deal and sing like a canary. Better to let your boss save his own ass than put yours in front of a conga line in the prison shower. Good luck!

Can you settle a dispute for me and a buddy? He says that Hurricane Katrina showed that the President hates black people. I say that he doesn’t and that the hurricane was an act of God. Which is it?
A Question From Two Quarters

Dear Two Quarters:
You’re both wrong. The President hates poor people, and God hates the President. That’s why He keeps messing with him and telling him to do a lot of stupid stuff.

I have a major relationship issue. A few weeks ago, I started courting this woman. We had been friends for a long time, and she thought I was really cool and smart, and I thought maybe we should take our relationship to the next level. When my friends found out that we were going to be together, they went nuts. They started saying all this bad stuff about her, telling me over and over again that she was bad news. At first I thought they were just being mean, but the more I heard, the more I thought they might be right. When I asked my lady about it, she got so mad that she called the courtship off. Did I do the right thing?
G Dub in DC

Dear G Dub:
My first reaction to this was no, you didn’t do the right thing. I was going to tell you that you were a spineless, wishy-washy cad more concerned with what your so-called friends thought than a woman who was clearly into you. I thought that you should have your black heart split in two and served to you on a plate so you could get a small taste of what your friends did to her.

But when I re-read your letter, I noticed something else. Hesitation. Reluctance. Affection that was clearly one-sided. I realized that the answer is clear. You should never have courted this woman in the first place. In fact, you probably don’t feel comfortable courting women at all. G Dub, you may not consciously know this now, but it’s obvious that you would feel much more comfortable courting guys.

So apologize to the lady, tell her the truth, and move on to asking a man to assume that special position in your life.

CONFIDENTIAL TO KH: Get out of that relationship before your husband’s Thetan eats your baby.

Dear Brando is written by Dr. I. Ellsworth "Cooter" Brando, Esq. Click here to send a question via e-mail, or leave one in the comments below. And be sure to buy his new book, It Hurts When I Pee: What to Do When You’re Left With More Than a Broken Heart.


Grendel said...

Dear Brando,

I'm concerned about tomorrow's Iowa City election. On the one hand, I like the idea of public power. It's said to be cheaper and more responsive to users. On the other hand, I feel bad for the employees of Mid-America energy, were they to lose their jobs. I see a lot of "Vote No" signs and a lot of "Vote Yes" signs. What should I do?

CC in IC

Brando said...

Dear CC in IC,

The thing to remember is that America is serving as an example of democracy to other countries around the world. That means we as citizens of America have to show these backward peoples how a real democracy works.

Therefore, if you don't already have a preformed opinion on this issue, or are not taking a bribe, it's best to stay home and not vote. We don't want to confuse our understudies in democracy by doing things like investigating the issues in order to form an opinion and make a voting decision. Happy loafing!