--Ho, ho, ho.
--Kringle? Sorry, I didn’t recognize you in the trenchcoat.
--Agent—?
--Shh...I’m Mike Smith.
--Nice to see you, Mr. Smith. I take it you’ve been to Washington?
--Yes, I met with Mr. Johnson about the game plan.
--Come again?
--Mr. Johnson. About the gameplan.
--I know a lot of Johnsons in Washington....
--I'm here about Operation Stocking Stuffer!
--Oh, ho, ho, ho. Sorry, I've got a few too many irons in the fire this time of year.
--Are you still game, Kringle?
--Well, I met with my elf lawyers. Are you sure this is constitutional?
--It’s within the accepted limits of legality.
--That’s not really what I want to hear.
--Don’t worry about it. As far as we’re concerned, once the milk and cookies are on the table, we have consent.
--Mr. Smith, with all due respect, your reputation isn’t on the line here. I don’t want to have to leave a plumber’s wrench under the tree because you have leaks to plug.
--I guarantee this is shut tighter than a drum of Christmas popcorn. Do you have the lists?
--Yes. But why did you need the nice one too?
--Because sometimes nice people do naughty things without even knowing it. When we run the names through our databases, we can decide who needs lumps of coal in their stockings.
--Oh, I quit giving those out in the 70s. It’s funny, lumps of coal were considered great gifts during the Depression....
--Kringle! I swear your thicker than White House fruitcake. Not lumps of coal. Bugs. And I don’t mean insects. Jimminy Christmas, how do you run your operation?
--I don’t appreciate being talked to like that, Mr. Smith. I do have some actual lumps of coal left.
--I’m sorry. I’ve just been under a lot of strain since we went to Orange. I’m so tense, my muscles are like beef jerky.
--Well this should help.
--A teddy bear? That might make my daughter feel better, but I’m a little too old.
--Ho, ho, ho. Look into its eyes, Mr. Smith. You’ll feel better.
--What’s this....ah.
--Left eye is naughty, right eye is nice.
--Impressive work.
--Thank you. Some of my elves in R&D have done contract work for the Agency. Gave George Tenet a GameBoy that doubled as a Geiger counter.
--Mr. Kringle, you’re doing great a great service to your country.
--Speaking of service, Mr. Smith, Santa has a bit of a wishlist, too.
--Such as?
--Well, for starters, we need to do something about these department store Santas. Any drunk who can stand on half a leg gets to put on a red suit and beard and spit Wild Turkey-scented Ho, ho, hos at little kids. It’s bad for my brand identity. I want some regulations, guidelines. Make them get a license before they put on that uniform.
--You can’t be serious? We can’t tell department stores that they can only hire licensed Santas.
--Oh, but you can use a beloved children’s icon to spy on American citizens?
--Okay, we’ll see what we can do. Anything else?
--I want a display, on the White House. Sleigh, reindeer, holiday cheer. And not a cheap plastic one. Ceramic, or metal.
--Time out, Santa. There’s no way we can clear that. Do you know what’s on top of the White House roof? It’s not holiday cheer.
--Fair enough. How about the Lincoln Memorial?
--Come on, why don’t you ask me to hang stockings on the Vietnam wall? How about the Jefferson Memorial?
--Give me back the bear.
--Okay, okay, we can probably swing Lincoln. You drive bargains harder than those reindeer. Next thing you’re going to want the president to deliver the State of the Union with a red ball cap on his head.
--Funny that you mention that....
--Kringle, you’re killing me!
--Just kidding. But it would be nice if my tax audit went away.
--Done. You know, just between you and me, what list is the President on?
--That, as they say, is classified. But let's just say a lump of coal isn't out of the question.
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